Monday, July 31, 2017

Wow that is my life..

I have been a Grey's Anatomy fan since the very first episode. My best friend at the time and I used to be deeply devoted to Desperate Housewives and when Grey's first aired it aired right after Desperate Housewives. Greys quickly became my favorite show and I have rarely missed an episode. I have probably binge watched it from the beginning at least 3 times. The last time watching George die again and I said no now I am I am good. It was probably for my best interest that Netflix took it off their server so I wouldn't binge watch it again. During deployment I got one of my army wife friends to binge watch it with me and I got her hooked. I have gotten several people hooked. Sometimes I do have to remind myself it is a scripted show because I have been so connected to some of the characters. Recently I have been replaying a scene that has now become my favorite scene. It has Amelia and Owen in it. To set up the premise... Amelia's a recovering drug addict and her brother just died. She doesn't know how to deal with pain without drugs. Owen is a veteran with PTSD, who now works as a trauma surgeon. 
I use the scene as a reminder of how I must deal with pain and I also encourage other people the same way. To watch the scenes I have found a lucky person on Youtube that hasn't been flagged by the copyright God lol... Part 1    Part 2   Part 3
I was sitting in bed this morning... again reminding myself of what Owen says, 
Owen : All the stuff you're "managing". You're not supposed to be managing. You're supposed to be feeling it. Grief,  loss, pain... it is normal.
Amelia: It is NOT normal.
Owen: Yes it is. Yes it is normal. Its not normal to you because you've never done it. That feeling of grief, pain... you've shoved it all down and doing drugs instead of moving through the pain.You run from it. (Then he realizes he runs from it too by re-enlisting to serve another tour in Iraq), You instead of dealing with being hurt and alone and afraid that his horrible, empty feeling is all there is, I run from it. I run off, and I sign up for another tour of active duty. We do these things. We run off, and we we medicate. We do whatever it takes to cover it up and dull the sensation, but its not normal.
We're supposed to feel.
We are suppose to love and hate and hurt and grieve and break and be destroyed and rebuild ourselves to be destroyed again.
That is human. That is humanity. That's that's that's being alive. That's the point. Don't don't avoid it. Don't extinguish it.
Amelia: Derek Died. He died. I don't want to feel it. I... I don't think I can. I don't think I even want to, I can't. I can't- I can't do this. I can't
Owen: You have to... If you don't...
Amelia interrupts: No, I can't. Shh, I can't do this!
Owen: You ha you have to If you don't that last bag of oxy is gonna be your last. (she hands him the oxy and wails in pain) You're gonna be okay. You're gonna survive this, okay? Everybody does. Its perfectly normal. Its boring even. It is so normal.

I realize how I have been dealing with pain... no not with drugs or alcohol.. I realized how I process pain. Sometimes I might hold it in. I don't see it at the time. But maybe I might. Maybe I deal with it passively. I have never believed drugs or alcohol are the way to deal with things. I come from a background of people that depended on that and checked out. I never wanted to check out on my kids and so far I think I am in the moment with them even when I am at my worst. My husband I truly believe his military service and now his job is his escape from not wanting to deal with things. I realized wow that is my life... now to remember I have to feel all the emotions and be destroyed to rebuild myself better and stronger the next time.