Sunday, May 31, 2015

Happy 15th Birthday to my little man

15 years seem to have slipped through my fingers like water passes through. A lot of years I am going to have to answer to for my decisions. I am going to have to ask you to forgive a lot of choices that I made and know that my love is sincere and true. First lets go back to 15 years ago (I still remember it like it was yesterday) at 3:30 AM a familiar face was with your old mom then your Aunt Jennifer and your dad the day and time you were born. A few nights before that day we were living about an hour in the town where you were supposed to be born. The town your dad grew up in. We were living in the town I grew up in and we were going to make the hours drive if I went into labor to have you at Kennestone. Your cousin Matthew who was born a week before you was in that very hospital as well in the NICU still fighting. I started to have pretty bad pain one night so I went to the local hospital in Riverdale to get checked and I fought off the doctors trying to give me medications. I didn't want my tiny angel to be stuffed full of drugs. By morning the labor pains had fallen off and the doctors had given me something to help me sleep promising me if I went into labor I would need all the sleep to be able to labor through it. Well the next few days I had an appointment scheduled with my regular doctor and he did an ultrasound to check on you and I could barely stand the pain so we decided to go ahead in the hospital. I labored and they tried Pitocin and the contractions were right on top of each other so they had to turn that off. I slept for about 6 more hours until I woke up and felt like I was being cut in half. Your dad begged me to get the epidural and so I gave in and then slept for another 6 hours not feeling anything. I was woken up by a midwife or a nurse and she went to check me and noticed my water had broke and you were ready to come into this world. They woke your dad and Aunt Jennifer up and your dad had a bad seizure. They kept asking him to go to the ER but he wasn't going to leave us. He pushed Jennifer over to hold my hand and I wanted her to make sure your dad wasn't going to hurt himself. You were ready for this world...6 pushes and about 30 minutes later your daddy's dream to have a little boy came true. You weighed about 7 lbs but looked like you had fat rolls so the nurses all called you Big Mack. You felt heavier than the 7 lbs they said you were. We had already decided your name would be Mackenzie Taylor... it was your dad's idea and not sure where he got Mackenzie from except a dream. A dream where he thought you would be born at the end of May or beginning of June. You were not due till my adopted moms birthday June 11th. I guess he liked Mackenzie because at that time it was a real unisex name so if you were a girl it would have been the same name Mackenzie Taylor Rose... Taylor after your god father your dads best friend Berry Truelove. Taylor was his middle name. Berry was truly the best friend your dad had ever had and I hope he is there for you now. I slept most of the first days of your life and thankful that you were just here, healthy and mine. I was in awe of you. I remember your grandfather Robert coming to visit you vaguely and probably your Aunt Cherish would come check on you when she was watching over Matthew. I think after your grandfather Robert came to visit you we decided to give you a second middle name to name you after him as well. He meant a lot to your dad and I. You were so loved. After we were released from the hospital it was home for the hour drive to feed the animals then a long drive to your great grandparents house (Grand Daddy and Mawmaw I believe they were called) for their anniversary. I believe it was their 50th. That day you always met your great great grandmother and boy did she fall in love with you. I remember her fondly. On this 15th birthday of yours you are very much thought of and very much still loved in my home with your brothers and sister. Your sister looks like you I am told often. I realize how much time has passed and how short time is left. As always on your birthday I want you to call you and just say Happy Birthday. Perhaps one day you can give me a call too!

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Feeling the pain. Running from the pain

I have been through a lot. More than you the reader could know or that I let spill out. I say I am an open book but there is a need to keep some pain private...

I guess no one's book is truly open.

Funny thing is this week I have a lot of confrontation with the pain...

I am sure you've heard that Grey's Anatomy is the hot topic for the last few weeks. I have barely missed an episode in 11 seasons... I think in total less than 5. The show can get me wound up but I don't think anything has ever hit me as hard as the last episode... Don't worry no spoilers here...

but a quote does stand out....

Owen to Amelia..
All the stuff you're managing your not supposed to be managing it.
Your Supposed to be feeling it grief loss pain it is normal.

instead of moving through the pain you're running from it.
instead of dealing with being hurt and alone and afraid that this horrible empty feeling is all there is, I run from it.

We are supposed to feel... love, hate, hurt, grieve, and break and be destroyed and rebuild ourselves to be destroyed again.
That is human.
That's being alive
That's the point...

and I watched the Lifetime movie about the Cleveland Abduction so I decided to also read one of the survivors books.. I will get to the other books soon. There are a lot of parallels in my life with Michelle Knight. I don't want to pretend I had even endured the same kind of pain she endured before she was kidnapped or that of while she was held by Ariel Castro. But there is a lot of parallel... many more quotes stood out to me...

Here is one...In order to get past something terrible you have to walk through the pain not around it. It might be messy, it might make you sob but if you let yourself cry long enough you reach the bottom of your tears. I haven't reached the bottom yet, but I know someday I will. ~ Michelle Knight.

Years ago I used to run... I ran a lot. If I felt like things were caving in, or I was beginning to slip, or a person was getting ready to leave like the others I ran. When I decided I wasn't going to put Skylar up for adoption. When Adam had told me not to... I made a promise to her that she would always be able to depend on ONLY me... That I would take care of her... that I wouldn't run... I haven't ran since... I still have the fight or flight thing and the instinct is there to run... run fast as hell for the hills... save yourself from the pain but I fight it and stuff it down. I try to fix the problem that is making me run and if I can't fix it I let God deal with it. When you fight.... even when you slip, fall, or get destroyed it just makes you stronger and faithful... If you run your problems just grow and will end up destroying you anyways. At least feeling pain is being alive... covering the pain is the easy way out.