Friday, January 27, 2012

You Don't Know Me

You know the saying don't judge a book by its cover. My book has many chapters and I have changed my "mask" several times in my life. No one stays the same I am sorry they don't. Everyone changes everytime they have a life experience that changes the way they think, emotional scars change how you trust and open up. Emotional scars can even close you off. I also wear many coats of many colors.. Some see me as a sinner, a bitch, an idiot, a weirdo, a mom, an Army Wife, a trophy wife, a daughter, a sister, an enemy, a wife, a lover, a soul mate, a child of God... No one may use the same word to describe me. No one knows me the same way either. I have known one of my best closest friends since our daughters were barely talking. Other friend's I have known longer than I have known my husband and some I haven't even met offline. Do they know more about me than my husband? Maybe not but they probably know things about me he doesn't. They've seen me homeless, they've seen me cry, they've stuck by my side at my lowest. I know I am not only going to be judged before God but I am probably judged everyday. People can form opinions on me but you know what they haven't walked in my shoes and they probably don't even know the journies I have been on. the milage my shoes have seen, the challenges I have sunk below and risen above.  Some people even compare themselves to me. You can't do that, because no one has been where I've been. These people can try to understand or think they understand but they can only understand a thread of me that is woven into my soul. 
Whether you've known me 1 year or my whole life don't judge me because you don't know me. Its human nature to judge others yet the Bible says not to. "Please excuse the mess I am a work in progress"

There are days when I feel like I am at my wits end. I close myself off from everyone. I may use my blog as an outlet or random Facebook status messages. The thing is anything I write or say may be superficial I may be feeling it at the moment but not truly mean it. Now that doesn't mean I don't stand for what I believe in. When I am passionate about something your not going to win a debate on it. I have put all my cards on my beliefs and I get serious about it. 
If you know my story or I share a piece of me with you I am not looking for your pity party. I am not looking for your understand. I am not looking for your compassion although I think all humans need to be compassionate to others. I don't get "pity parties" Whoa is me.... F' that. No one wants to be around someone that constantly thinks their life is in ruins every minute of the day. I learned at 12 someone always has it suckier than you do. I was on my back I just had major Craniofacial surgery. My eyes were sewn shut, my face swollen like I got hit by a Mack Truck, **Graphic Picture Behind the Link** I had a quarter of an inch of hair and I was in a lot of pain. My mom brought in a baby less than a year old that just had the same surgery. Put things into perspective for me perhaps for the rest of my life. I can't say I wasn't dealt the best hand of cards. I am blessed to have had the life I have had even though parts of it sucked.. I've been abused, raped, and put through hell but each event in my life is a building block or the mortar of the foundation of who I am. Unless you have never missed a beat of my heart... You don't know me ALL of me.
The journey that is my life is the one that God has paved for me I will gladly sleep on a bed of nails, walk across broken glass, and put my hands in fire if that is what I had to do to be faithful.

I changed the name of my blog to the Misadventures of Bella's Second Life because I often feel like my old life is someone else's life or it feels like an out of body experience. This is my NEW me, This is the New Life, A new relationship, New family, New Opportunities, this is my second chance at the life I can make the best of so leaving the old life in 2007 and this is my Second Life. You don't know me and probably never will. But I can be a good friend and you can get to know me.

1 comment:

Connie Gruning said...

Beautifully written!!