Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The Most Underused Item in My House is..

My Scrapbook supplies.
I haven't actually made a scrapbook page since I was pregnant with William. I haven't made a scrapbook page since I moved here in this house. We moved in the first few days of August 2009. Why don't I scrapbook anymore? It would be annoying to try and keep William's hands away from it and or scissors. I don't have anyone (but Skylar) to scrapbook with. I feel like my scrapbooking needs help in the form of a Cricut. I just can't do all the jazzy neat techniques because everyone has had their baby bug, then got the big bug... and I am still without a Cricut. I barely have any tools. I am even a rep for Close to My Heart and haven't sold an item in YEARS AND YEARS... like almost 5 years. The only time I venture into these shelves is when I need paper, stickers, or glue dots for another project. My cutter and glue dots are no longer even located in the Scrapbook area... Because I use them more for school crafting. I made my God Son a memory box awhile back at least a year ago if not longer.
Skylar and I made this project for school. I let her use scrapbook paper, glitter, and stickers lol
Its a Christmas tree book report on a Soldier's Night Before Christmas by Christine Ford.
Each ornament tells important details of the story :)
I want to get out of my scrapbooking funk...

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Paying it Forward

I have been a big believer in Karma and Paying it Forward. Karma can be the opposite of paying it forward but it simply means what comes around goes around. Anyways today we aren't going to dwell on BAD Karma or the negative but I wanted to share about Paying it Forward. I have been influenced and inspired a lot in my life by paying it forward. Whether it was just a nice gesture or a total sacrifice I recognized both. I wish I had more time today to chat about my stories but this will be a short post...

A few ways I can help others this year....

I can help them with my talents.
I can help them by paying it forward.
I can help my children by trying to be a more productive mother.
I can help my husband by helping my children.
I can help my husband by being a better wife.
I can help everyone by being a better Christian :)

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Monday, January 30, 2012

My 365

I have been trying to upload a picture a day up to Facebook but I don't pressure myself to do it so I am not sure if I have made a post everyday and I was going to update my blog weekly with my photos. I haven't done that because I have been sick and barely getting my Blog Dare in daily so here are my favorite snap shots so far this month. Apparently I need to spend some time photo editing a lot of my photos are pointing the wrong direction and as you can see many of them are blurry LOL So this is all I could really add..
Most of these were taken with my Iphone. The Iphone 3G has like the worst megapixel lol I feel like we are back in the 90's digital and it has no flash.

Pray for Me Monday

Home Grown Families
I am not really good at pulling Bible Verses out of the air. There are a few verses I know well. Because I repeat them when I need them or share them when I want to bring calm or something to someone else. But I do know my faith by heart. Yesterday I shared the story about how my faith was tested. How I had to hang on to something. A couple of phrases come to mind... "When your down to nothing God is up to something" and "Everything comes to you in God's time." So knowing what I have been through with Mackenzie I was in a downward spiral and by giving my struggles to God I was blessed with my new "Second Life." I know God has reasons for Mackenzie not being here. Not everyone believes that we have free will, not everyone believes in Destiny or Fate, I am not sure what you call it but I couldn't say that my life after court would have been ideal for Mackenzie. Of course I am not sure his current situation is any more ideal. I know what my ex went through with his childhood. I was faced with challenges as Skylar became a little girl from a premature baby. Again I had to learn to give it to God. Of course as the world goes there are many more challenges in my life. Our family is working through some not so smooth roads and I pray that I can remember to keep giving my struggles to God. My patients, emotions, and stress levels have been all over the place lately I just have to pull it all together. Keep the faith and trusting in God.

What I want for my birthday.

Birthday Countdown Clock Generator

Wow a lot of great movies are coming out next month... hmm to early for my birthday but if I don't get to see them then perhaps I could go see Phantom Menace in 3D, The Vow, or The Big Miracle, Maybe one of the Snow White movies. Titanic in 3D is coming out closer to my birthday. I love Tulips so I would like tulips for my birthday. Maybe a Scentsy. There a lot of things that are on my Christmas List that I want but we are working real hard to pay off bills from Christmas lol. The top things on my wish list are a Cricut, a DSLR, a New Purse, New Balance, Jewelry.... I have been doing a lot of buying for PSP so maybe those type of gifts maybe just a nice planned vacation or a car trip somewhere. I am good with exploring Nashville 
I would love this Carlo Biagi bracelet- we couldn't afford one like the one pictured or maybe just begin with getting beads to design it. I would love a similar bracelet or a charm bracelet with the hanging charms

 I guess I may have to add and repost so Hubby see's it lol
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Sunday, January 29, 2012

I am afraid

 I have PTSD. I have never been to war. I have only seen what apparently my eyes shouldn't have seen. It was just too much for my brain to cope with even after 10 years. In 2001 I was separated from my husband at the time because he was abusive. I lived with an almost stranger he was a very nice guy. I lived with Mack in a sleeping bag in his living room. No Drivers License, No Job, No Money and I just had what I left the homeless shelter on my back. I was trying to find a job wherever I could walk with Mackenzie on my hip. It was hard. I had my Guardian pressure me to let Adam see his son. I had turned off all the utilities to our shared apartment. I was down to a few diapers, $5, Mackenzie had an ear infection, and my other Guardian had passed away Fathers Day Weekend 2001. So I agreed to meet Adam and let him take Mackenzie to the pediatrician. I made an appointment. He was supposed to bring him back that Sunday (Father's Day). He never brought Mackenzie back. There is nothing the police would do because we had equal and shared custody since we were still married. There is nothing Child Protective Services or Department of Family and Children Services would do even though he was under investigation for the abuse and neglect. I needed a lawyer. I didn't have money for a lawyer. I didn't have support from my family or my Guardian. So I couldn't fight his rich family. After that I went through a series of supervised (by his mother's order) visits. I was invited into her home in her living room as an adult stood at every door, door way, and window. I wasn't allowed to hold him and I was treated like a criminal. I had no legal right to pick him up and take him out of the house. I was only allowed to see him because CPS/DFACS had let them know it was in his best interest (and Adam's my husband) to let me have visitation. That's the only time they would interfere. In 2003 Adam ended up passing away from a seizure in the middle of the night at his mother's house (supposedly) while he had Mackenzie with him. I found out a month later by subpoena that he died and they wanted to adopt Mackenzie. Again I still had no $5,000 for a lawyer... I still don't. In September 2003 I lost Mackenzie.

My world tumbled in a downward spiral thankfully by September 2003 I had an almost 1 year old daughter that had helped me stay above water from drowning. I fully believe that and faith that God knew what my plan was helped me through that year and several years after. In 2006 I broke up with an abusive man I was dating. He did drugs and drank and was emotionally abusive. In 2007 I was meeting my now husband for the first time and like a responsible mother I left my daughter who was 4 at this time, with my sister that I thought I could trust until I got the call that my ex had came and picked up Skylar and took her. He had no legal right to Skylar. He is not Skylar's father. He also stole my purse. I went to the police station to file a report on my missing ID etc we were out of jurisdiction for the "kidnapping". I didn't think they took it seriously. I went into the police station in the area where I lived. They agreed to drive me by the house... no one was there. They couldn't take me as far out as my ex's father's house. So we were sitting at the Sheriff's office for a time trying to take a next step (again does it sound like they took kidnapping seriously? Go Gordon County!) I got a call from my ex's uncle asking me if I called the cops on his nephew. I told them yes but I hadn't pressed charges yet so he agreed to bring her back. Skylar and my ex were in the woods hiding in the middle of the night. I got Skylar back and left the state and haven't looked back!

Were either of my children actually kidnapped and never seen again no? But most children are kidnapped by a loved one or someone they know. Were they taken away from me while I was powerless? YES!

I have a fear of my children being kidnapped. I am very protective. I am hyper attentive to them.  I have PTSD. I control it REALLY well occasionally though I get an anxiety attack when I can't 1) access my child. If I don't know where they are or I can't touch them or see them. I freak out. 2) like any normal mother I hurt when they hurt. I turn into mother bear. I am told I would be crazy if I didn't react with my amount of protection. Jaycee Dugards of the world re-enforce my need to put GPS tracking on my kids. So my last Anxiety attack was the last time we went to marriage counseling but I didn't react I worked through it. The time before was the issue with the church and the time before that was over a  year when the school doors were locked with CHILDREN inside. Normally the outer most doors are unlocked you can A) enter the lobby and talk to the receptionist through the window or use their little machine and MOST of the time the school office door is unlocked. The inner most doors STAY locked from the outside. Well the OUTER most doors are locked - which is probably against fire code. I went to the Cafeteria and those doors were unlocked but I was greeted by a chick I didn't know wearing street clothes and I was told I couldn't enter the building and I couldn't speak to my child. So I got back in the car kinda in shock and I told Rick who had been working for 24 hours straight so he wasn't all with it. A mile an a half to the house and I had him calling the school. Boy was I heated! Of course they just said maybe I didn't know how to open the doors myself LMAO. Untrue and covering their ass. There have been times when Skylar is doing something with a friend going to an event that I am not there that is not at their house and I am NOT okay but I am calm. Or a babysitter has them but doesn't check in I get nervous. Rick gets nervous. One time I had a close friend watching Skylar and she took Skylar to her aunts and I was a wreck but I didn't flip out on her I just said please bring her back because I didn't know where her aunt lived and I didn't know if I could drive there or not. So my worst fear is my PTSD. My only other major fear is driving in the dark and rain. I didn't get my drivers license until I was 27 and I get nervous when I drive sometimes. I am pretty strong in controlling that as well. I am afraid of being attacked but again I think that's just common sense to be aware of your surroundings and don't put yourself at risk if you don't have to. I don't let my fear control me with the except of one of the few times my PTSD hit so bad. Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real... a fear can be as simple as a big ole injured lazy lion with his big roar that can't do much but lay there and growl but from a distance it sounds  scarier than it is. I don't let the devil win either. I believe that its just another way to make things weigh me down, loose hope, loose faith. I remain strong and I do believe I am being taken care of.

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Saturday, January 28, 2012

I write..

I write because:
I write because most of the time it comes naturally to me.
I have written in one form or another since I was little.

I write because I have forgotten things I would have liked to have recorded in some way and shared perhaps only with Mackenzie. I write to record thoughts, feelings, events, pictures... etc.
I write for my children to share about their childhood unfortunately its the good and bad.
I write for Mackenzie for all of the time he missed and everything I want to share with him. I write for Mackenzie.

I have had a blog since my old life. I remember my first blog on Livejournal. Its still there 
I have used Yahoo 360, Myspace, Xanga, Open Diary and other pages.  Look here
I blogged then to vent I am sure my friends were tired of  me nagging about one ex or another.
I still vent on my blog but I try not to get as deep as I used to. I wonder if that's why my comments and views went down since I became an Army Wife. 

I have a blog to write my experiences as a wife, daughter, sister, friend, Army Wife, Army Mom, and mother to kids of all different ages. I write as my experiences dealing with Aspergers. I write with my experiences in my journey as being a spouse and step mom to someone in the Military. I write for those of who've dealt with depression or mental illness or any illness at all. I have. I have overcome challenges. I defy odds.  I write for you if you can relate to being a widow, a new mom, a military wife, a military mom, I write for you.

I write because its an outlet. Its an outlet for me to express myself without laying my crazy head on some one's shoulder. I am very well aware that I am a lot to handle. The pure number of therapists and their exasperation at me wasn't my first hint. Very little people can handle all this so at least as I lay it out in a blog its in bits and pieces and you can tune me out, X out of my blog, and never come back. But I want you to come back. I love comments and feedback for the good and the bad (just not too bad okay?) I write for me.

I write because I am an emotional person. I am a talkative person. Its therapeutic for me to write.
Its therapeutic if I can read what I wrote and remember everything about that moment. There is comfort in my blog. In my home away from home

I write for the memories. Memories fade especially as you get to be elderly or you loose childhood memories as you grow so I write for my future self. I write for Alex, James, Skylar, Rick, and William.

I write because I have met many people over the years in my Mommy Support Group online and they like to hear about things I might forget to email. A lot of us have moved on from the email groups because our kids are growing up, we have started working, gotten busy or whatever the reason. Thanks to Facebook and my blog they still have a view into my life. I write for my Online Friends and Family. I write for my Mommy Group Friends.
I wrote while my husband was deployed so encase I didn't get to talk to him on the phone or I forgot to tell him something I would write and rant about my day to day on my blog as long as it wasn't too personal. I write for my husband. After all I owe my blog for introducing us ;)

I write because we are a military family. Being a military family the best way to share what is going on in my world with my extended family spread all out is to share it on my blog. I wish my mom had internet and a computer.. maybe soon. I write for Rick's family and my family.

I write because I wouldn't remember my cat's birthday's LOL. I blogged about when we got Tinker Bell and when we got Mittens.

I write on a blog because paper is too easily destroyed, misplaced, or worse. When I wrote things down in high school and middle school I used a special type of Five Star Notebook with the spiral on top. Do I have those now? No I wish I did even though my poems are probably embarrassing it was me at 15 & 16. I have been published I don't have any of that either. I write this because things are lost and forgotten.

I write this blog to inspire. Perhaps a new military wife will read this blog and realize she has the strength to survive a hard deployment. A single mom has the fight of fight left in her. A lost Christian can find their way back. A widow will learn it doesn't heal but it does get easier. I write to a mother who has lost her husband or her child as I have and just tell her to hold on. If I can educate one person with my experiences my blog has done what I want it to. I have survived child abuse, domestic violence, sexual assault, I've been widowed, lost the rights to my child, and I can survive two deployments! Go me! I write this blog to spread laughter. I am no comedian but I am sure something my kids have done is funny or perhaps a funny story or graphic made you smile.

I write on StormyAries Creations http://stormyariescreations.blogspot.com/ to show off. To teach. To keep track of what I do and what I create. To list ideas. To try new ideas. Its my creative side.

I write because its who I am.

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Friday, January 27, 2012

You Don't Know Me

You know the saying don't judge a book by its cover. My book has many chapters and I have changed my "mask" several times in my life. No one stays the same I am sorry they don't. Everyone changes everytime they have a life experience that changes the way they think, emotional scars change how you trust and open up. Emotional scars can even close you off. I also wear many coats of many colors.. Some see me as a sinner, a bitch, an idiot, a weirdo, a mom, an Army Wife, a trophy wife, a daughter, a sister, an enemy, a wife, a lover, a soul mate, a child of God... No one may use the same word to describe me. No one knows me the same way either. I have known one of my best closest friends since our daughters were barely talking. Other friend's I have known longer than I have known my husband and some I haven't even met offline. Do they know more about me than my husband? Maybe not but they probably know things about me he doesn't. They've seen me homeless, they've seen me cry, they've stuck by my side at my lowest. I know I am not only going to be judged before God but I am probably judged everyday. People can form opinions on me but you know what they haven't walked in my shoes and they probably don't even know the journies I have been on. the milage my shoes have seen, the challenges I have sunk below and risen above.  Some people even compare themselves to me. You can't do that, because no one has been where I've been. These people can try to understand or think they understand but they can only understand a thread of me that is woven into my soul. 
Whether you've known me 1 year or my whole life don't judge me because you don't know me. Its human nature to judge others yet the Bible says not to. "Please excuse the mess I am a work in progress"

There are days when I feel like I am at my wits end. I close myself off from everyone. I may use my blog as an outlet or random Facebook status messages. The thing is anything I write or say may be superficial I may be feeling it at the moment but not truly mean it. Now that doesn't mean I don't stand for what I believe in. When I am passionate about something your not going to win a debate on it. I have put all my cards on my beliefs and I get serious about it. 
If you know my story or I share a piece of me with you I am not looking for your pity party. I am not looking for your understand. I am not looking for your compassion although I think all humans need to be compassionate to others. I don't get "pity parties" Whoa is me.... F' that. No one wants to be around someone that constantly thinks their life is in ruins every minute of the day. I learned at 12 someone always has it suckier than you do. I was on my back I just had major Craniofacial surgery. My eyes were sewn shut, my face swollen like I got hit by a Mack Truck, **Graphic Picture Behind the Link** I had a quarter of an inch of hair and I was in a lot of pain. My mom brought in a baby less than a year old that just had the same surgery. Put things into perspective for me perhaps for the rest of my life. I can't say I wasn't dealt the best hand of cards. I am blessed to have had the life I have had even though parts of it sucked.. I've been abused, raped, and put through hell but each event in my life is a building block or the mortar of the foundation of who I am. Unless you have never missed a beat of my heart... You don't know me ALL of me.
The journey that is my life is the one that God has paved for me I will gladly sleep on a bed of nails, walk across broken glass, and put my hands in fire if that is what I had to do to be faithful.

I changed the name of my blog to the Misadventures of Bella's Second Life because I often feel like my old life is someone else's life or it feels like an out of body experience. This is my NEW me, This is the New Life, A new relationship, New family, New Opportunities, this is my second chance at the life I can make the best of so leaving the old life in 2007 and this is my Second Life. You don't know me and probably never will. But I can be a good friend and you can get to know me.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

An annoying myth or wives-tale.

William's little tootsies!
I guess the oddest ones I've heard were bare baby feet cause colic. My first husband's mother used to bitch at me if Mackenzie didn't have socks on and it was my fault he had colic... Now I was a first time mother but I had enough wits about me to say there can't be a connection. Of course she also harassed us about letting cats near babies because they will suck the air out or drink milk out of their mouths. First of all don't trust ANY animal 100% around your child. So I kept the cats for the most part out of the nursery for my first child. I had more of a problem getting the dogs away from the bottle nipples than the cats. I think its ridiculous to scare new moms with this wives tale.

Other wives tales that are annoying are the don't swallow bubble gum or watermelon seeds. How small are those little devils? To try and pick them out of your watermelons. Especially the white ones?

Don't sit near the TV you will fall it or go near sighted. Don't read with the lights off. Don't make faces you will stick that way... now on that note my plastic surgeon told me if you push your nose up it will form a weird piggy pudge lol so don't push the tip of your nose up!

I like black cats I don't think they are bad luck as much as they are carrying messages or signs for the rest of us. I worked at Children's Place 6 years ago or so and the store was closed and some of the employee's were just refolding clothes and cleaning the store up. We notice a stray black cat walk in front of the front door. (It was an Outlet store)... within minutes someone in the stock room was screaming. We went back there and they were all up on the table telling us there was a snake in the stock room. It was so funny! So some of the girls were saying the cat brought bad luck but what if the cat was warning us the snake was there? Hmmm!

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