Thursday, December 13, 2012

I Knew You Were Trouble

The intro to Taylor Swifts new video struck me... here's what she said I think when its all over it just comes back in flashes. Its like a kaleidoscope of memories. It just all comes back but he never does. I think part of me the second I saw him I knew this would happen Its not really anything he said or anything he did its the feeling that came along with it, and the crazy thing is I don't know if I am ever going to feel that way again but I don't know if I should. I knew his world moved to fast and burned too bright. But, I just thought, how could the devil be pulling you toward someone that looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you. Maybe he knew that when he saw me. I guess I just lost my balance I think that the worst part of it all wasn't loosing him. it was loosing me. I don't know if you know who you are until you lose who you are. excuse typos I was typing while it was playing so I was trying to type fast :)

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Makes Me Think

The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary. My confession: I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejewelled trees, Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are, Christmas trees. It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, “Merry Christmas” to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu. If people want a crib, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away. I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from, that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat. Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to. In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking. Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her: “How could God let something like this happen?” (regarding Hurricane Katrina). Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said: “I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?” In light of recent events... terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbour as yourself. And we said OK. Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave, because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said okay. Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves. Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.' Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace. Are you laughing yet? Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it. Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us. Pass it on if you think it has merit. If not, then just discard it.... no one will know you did. But if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in. My Best Regards, Honestly and respectfully, Ben Stein

Friday, November 16, 2012

My trip to the psychic got me pregnant.

I haven't blogged in awhile... I kinda escaped into the world of graphics and Mommy support. I am not feeling well. Not well enough to fool with my graphics so I decided to blog and checked the Blog Dare for today's assignment to give me some inspiration and the topic is.... 
I went {or wanted to go} to a fortune teller..

So I thought I would share my story of meeting a psychic. How I met the psychic is a bit foggy in my head. I was separated from my husband in 2001-2002 living with my sister Cherish. If I remember correctly her and her friend Angie would regularly go to a tanning salon in Douglasville. Apparently this psychic owned it I think. Well another time I went out with my boss to a little cafe and she (the psychic) was in the corner so we decided to get our fortunes told for fun. I guess not so much a fortune as a future.... Funny that she remembered my sister and I. She told me I didn't have immediate plans of marriage reconciliation or even getting married to someone else again in my near future but I did have a baby in my future. Oh boy did I laugh that one off. But she was right it wasn't long before I found out I was pregnant with Skylar my now 10 year old and it would take me 5 years to get married :)
Do I believe in psychics? I am not going to judge but I will place money on that psychic LOL

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Don't you remember

Isn't it funny how a song can take you back to a time, a place, a moment. My life has moved on, I've moved on and changed. I have changed so much and my feelings are different but simple words can revisit very specific thoughts and feelings of a certain time.

Don't You Remember by Adele

When will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye,
Not a single word was said,
No final kiss to seal any scene,
I had no idea of the state we were in,

I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness,
And a wandering eye, and heaviness in my head,

But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

When was the last time you thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memory?
I often think about where I went wrong,
The more I do, the less I know,


Saturday, September 29, 2012


There are "friends" who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother. PROVERBS 18:24

Skylar and I went to Secret Keeper Girl last night. We got a mother daughter devotional I hope to do everyday with her. This passage was about friendship. Its something I am struggling with. Its not my friends its the choices Skylar is making in decisions and people she's is choosing to be around. She is at a very impressionable age and it worries me. I struggled so much during my tweens. With having to have major operations, my head shaved, not knowing where I belonged, being influenced in her decisions. So she needs guidance & prayer.

Share faith, Offer Prayer, Gather Hope
Friendship isn't a big thing. Its a million little things.

Thursday, September 20, 2012


"The minute you think of giving up, think of the reason you've held on for so long."

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Dear PTSD (Love this article)

*Editor's note: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) affects untold numbers of American servicemembers  and veterans. What is easy to overlook is the toll taken on their family members. BI Military & Defense is starting a series of letters written by Battling BARE members, a group of women married to PTSD sufferers hoping to give light to life with someone suffering from PTSD. We believe these letters offer a stark and unique insight into a growing American epidemic.
This first letter is from the Heather Goble a Navy spouse of nine years.
Dear PTSD,
Before you came into my life, I had heard rumors. Back then, no one really spoke about you unless it was in hushed whispers. No one knew for sure what you looked like- but I heard you did unspeakable things... that you crept into bed with husbands and seduced them away from their unsuspecting wives. I also heard that you drank. A lot. I heard sometimes you could be two places at once- physically in one place but mentally elsewhere. It was also said that you were a liar, home wrecker, careless and violent... that sometimes you would take your mounting anger out on walls or whatever or whomever happened to get in your way. You left shattered picture frames and broken memories in your wake. There have been songs written about you... yet they don't even begin to do justice to just how evil you are. In fact, there has been talk of you being a murderer. I can't say that I'm surprised. I wouldn't put it past you. I believed those rumors and I certainly never invited you into my life.
But you came anyway.
And you were relentless.
It was four and a half years ago when you crept into our lives- an unwelcome guest. I'm not sure if you were in his med (medical) bag on the plane or if you quietly crept in through an open window one night making him awake in a state of panic... but once you came, no matter how much I begged and pleaded, you just kept finding ways back into our life. Persistent. I still can't believe the cops were never called when you would be banging down the door just to prove you were still there, still providing him the thrilling "alive" feeling I couldn't... At first you were just a nuisance... doing stupid things like ruining our sleep and tracking your sandy footprints all over our home, leaving shattered glasses, like a disrespectful child never cleaning up after yourself... leaving your mark to let us know you were still there...then you started turning up and interfering with his job. Distracting. Leaving us on edge...but you proved to be a stealth, well-trained machine... incognito even. We knew you were there but no one else admitted to seeing you- some might say you were a ghost of sorts. Eventually, we thought maybe they were right- that maybe you weren't there to stay.... So we tried so many times to go on pretending we had moved on... but you are like the ex we avoided yet managed to bump into on the fourth of July at the fireworks, causing him to hide under the nearest table so you don't see him and have to wax nostalgia about all of your memories. Those trips down memory lane were always too much to handle anyway.
But we were wrong. And you were angry. Angry that we wished you away or that we ignored you - I'm still not sure which but you sure let us know it. Quite the elaborate production. You make quite a scene, don't you? You followed us everywhere we went. Proof of your existence began popping up everywhere but, like us, others knew of your bad reputation and hanging out with you started to get him into trouble at work... and then at home... You once left a hole in the wall at the top of the stairs...and I read the elicit text messages between the two of you... you sure were proving all the rumors true.
The last straw was when you began attacking me for trying to pull him away from your allure... your antidepressant induced numbness ... All I wanted was to go back to being a couple but everyone knows, PTSD, you're a dirty, dirty whore. You weren't ready to let go yet. You had greater plans... the ultimate sacrifice was number one on your list. You wanted his life. And you tried to take it. You probably would have won if I conceded defeat that day but, unlike you, using him for whatever thrill... I love him. So I saved his life. I'd heard you'd been violent before, or in instances like ours, cowardly, disguising yourself as miracle pills that would end the suffering you've caused. Some might say you are the snake to Adam and Eve. Even the experts trained to recognize you, they were so afraid of you and the implications of your existence that they concocted an elaborate cover up and sent us on our way. Maybe you are just bloody brilliant.
I've been reading in the news lately about how good you've gotten at tricking the military into believing you aren't real and I gotta say, I'm impressed. But I'm not buying it. At all.
I've been talking about you, PTSD, and I have about had it with you in my life. The few bruises, the tears, the fear, the insecurity, anxiety, infidelity, deceit and the broken heart.... I'm over it and I want my husband back. I bet you feel real big... that uneasy feeling you leave in the pit of my stomach never goes away anymore. Empty promises don't ease my pain. You have even stooped so low as to bring my children into your little shenanigans and that is just crossing the line. They aren't babies like they were when we first met. They're perceptive. They've witnessed our arguments. They've seen how terrible you are to me but I'm strong. I'm a fighter and when it comes to my children, I always show them that...but you're expertly trained and certainly know how to subdue your victim until they concede defeat.
This time is different, though. You have me so close to waving the white flag to protect my children... but I know once you put the pen in my hand to sign away the relationship I committed to, you will only find another home to ruin. It is for that reason that I will let you win this round. I walked away... No, I ran. In fact I fled. Hundreds of miles. Too tired to fight... but I'm regrouping. Preparing. Training. Filling my arsenal. More focused and driven than before. I'm sure you've heard the phrase that Hell hath no fury like that of a woman scorned. If you won't go quietly into the night and leave my family be, you need to know I'll never give up. And when you come at me again, I'll be prepared. This time I have a ton of women who have my back. We will tell everyone what you do. I won't let you have him. I want him back. And I don't care if you have to rot in hell but you will lose. I hope you're ready. PTSD, I hate you...

Heather Goble,
-wife of HM2 FMF Justin Goble
United States Navy 2003-pending PEB

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Saturday, March 31, 2012

We need help please

I have a few questions. Can anyone tell me details about how to start a fundraiser? Anyone have any suggestions on helping these close friends of mine *see story below* Are you a vendor a consultant or do you make something? Would you be willing to host a "party" and donate some or all of the profits toward a close friend of mine suffering from cancer? Does anyone want me to make graphics for them for a small fee so I can donate money to the cause? Please Help! Mr. Frank Thompson, a long time resident of Calhoun, Ga, has been diagnosed with GlioSarcoma, a rare and aggressive form of brain cancer. He had a 4 cm tumor removed from his frontal lobe on 2-17-12. He had been out of work sice 2-13-12. We need help with gas money to get him back and forth to treament in Chattanooga where he has radiation five days a week and to pay for medications. Any donations would be appreciated. You can send them to PO Box 2035 calhoun ga 30703 untill we get a paypal account set up. We will send reciepts to anyone who needs them for tax purposes. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you (If you want to make it easy and send me donations via Paypal I can send them to the family)

Friday, March 30, 2012

love it!

This guest post from Mickey Garza I love working here. My colleagues are some of my favorite people and we hang out all the time, not just when we’re at work. I know some people think that’s dangerous because would I lose my whole social circle if I didn’t work here anymore? But you know, I choose not to worry about that because I do live here now and I’m happy enough with that! I love my boss, too, and sometimes he comes out with us after work which is nice. We spend time talking about things like business internet connection options but then we talk about the Cubs and my new boyfriend and all that stuff, too, so I really feel like she’s becoming part of my life. I think it’s incredible she puts so much time into working with us and making sure we’re happy and that’s all that you can ask from a really good boss. I never dreamed my first job out of college would be this good but I sure am thankful that it is!


1. What giveaway would you like to do on your blog? A blog set, a military apparel company hand bag, build a bear... a few things I know a lot about. How about a new car? Everyone likes to win a car. I could do a give away for my friend Kali Alba Couture but she's way to busy for that. Also maybe a photo shoot? How about everything you need for a baby for a new mom? How about something nice for a newly PCSing military wife? IDK... 

2. If you had to choose between natural artistic ability and natural athletic ability, which would it be? artsy fartsy all the way.

3. Do you ditch the coat the minute it becomes "spring" or are you a holdout for more cool temps? I usually wear my hoodies until summer

4. What would you do if you won the mega millions lotto of 1/2 billion dollars? Hire a lawyer, start a charity, pay off bills, maybe even buy another house, we need a second car, I would put some in savings for each of the five kids to go to college, help a friend of mine. Give a good portion to my husband's aunt. and Donate to my church and favorite charities

5. You are at a hotel by yourself...what do you do? blog LOL and have a Twilight marathon... I don't know I get stir crazy in a hotel room

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Are you ready? Can you make him famous?

Years ago I saw the movie blood diamond and I vowed to not own another diamond. EVEN if there is paperwork saying its safe. Today on Facebook a video went viral about Joseph Koney and it was a reminder why I don't have a big beautiful diamond. I do desire one but as long as Joesph Koney's of the world are in power I am afraid I can't have a diamond, lab created Sapphires are fine for this finger.
The video I am going to post is about Joesph Koney. We need to push to make him famous... why would we want him famous? We need to draw attention to the cause just like we do Casey Anthony or Osama Bin Laden. We brought three war criminals to justice lets bring one more... but we have to make him famous by telling celebrities and millionaires to talk about him. By telling politicians you DON'T have my vote unless you do something. Just do something! For children's sake. I've done something in the past 5-6 years since Blood Diamond came out and not bought diamonds. Now its time to really take action.
Invisible Children

We fight hunger with Farm Aid, With fight AIDS with Live Aid.. Who's fighting for children soldiers of Africa?

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Mom never gets a sick day

Mckmama- Not Me Monday

I admit when Rick is sick I get grouchy because I know the probability of me getting it is high. Like this week. William got food poisoning and or the stomach flu. Rick came up with it next and he just laid around and "acting" out of it. I would ask him questions and I got "I don't knows" from him. The bed needed to be made but he didn't know where to find the sheets or what they looked like. Oh yes and he basically snored on the couch most of the day. First of all I know he really was sick because he is a work a holic even on a weekend he will check his work laptop frequently.  But I am an out right witch when my husband or adult step son is sick. I admit it. I can sit here and try to claim its not me that is mean to them when they are sick that I baby them just like I do my younger ones. But I am not going to lie on my blog. I am a bitch and you want to know why? I have been sick one way or another most of my life. I have had more surgeries/operations/procedures done than I can count. I have more stitches than the average person and I have had over 100 staples lining my head from ear to ear. I have a higher tolerance of pain probably. I don't bitch and moan when I am sick. Before we all caught the stomach flu we had Whooping cough except the little ones because of their vaccinations.  I was pretty ill. I still had to take care of my kids with a 102 fever.  No one takes off of work to care for me. Moms are like Soldiers we get no sick days LOL. So when Rick is home sick I treat him like I get treated.... oh sure like right now I am pretty sure I have an abscess tooth I have been neglecting getting it pulled and the stomach bug... Rick feels sorry for me that I am in so much pain I have to take Vicodin but I always get a bad reaction from it. But he goes to work because he has to work he can't stay home and take care of me. I don't get a nanny to fill in for me when I am sick. Not many moms do get a helping hand when they just feel like they can't cut it. So why should I say "poor baby" when my husband is sick. My adult step son is extra pitiful. I just can't give anyone a pity party when I've been there and survived. 

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Saturday, February 25, 2012

Ten Years Ago

I haven't been blogging much because the adults in the house had a bad case of the Whooping Cough. We got well enough to take a trip to my friend Angie's wedding in Griffin, GA. I had planned on making stops a long the way as always but we left later than usual. Ten years ago today I lived in a place called Douglasville GA. I had probably just conceived Skylar. I estimate it was probably Valentines Day since I didn't do the deed any other time. While I was in Douglasville most of the surroundings were familiar but for the first time I got a bad mojo... I felt the evil in this place. I haven't been there in 5 years but I saw areas of town that didn't give me a good feeling and brought back old memories and took me to the place I was 10 years ago. I was pretty lost, confused, and really not taking care of myself as I should. I passed the road that I never thought I would see again or remember exactly where it was... the road I was attacked on and saved by one of my many angels I encountered in Douglasville. I passed Arbor Place Mall where I met great people like Jacob and reconnected with old friends like Chris. I remember getting my sister or sister in law to drop me off at the mall so I could walk over to Firestone to see Chris and hang out with him. I remember date nights with Jacob or Brandon at the movies. There were many good times but what dark cloud looms over me is the dark place I was in 10 years ago. We had to drive through many of my old haunts like College Park, Riverdale, Jonesboro, & Lovejoy... and none of them gave me the heebie jeebies like Douglasville. A lot of bad things happened in my home town too. Loosing a child, being abused,.... lots of things but in Douglasville I just think it was such a dark time in my life and I was almost out of control. I enjoyed the little time we had to show Rick around my home towns (Clayton Co GA) where I went to school, my childhood home, the Publix store 545 where I had my first job, where I skated, where I went to church... Angie and Bill's wedding was beautiful. Congrats you have been married a week now. As she said it was 17 years in the making. We had dinner with my old friend Megan and her five year old Bradley. Its awesome seeing her and she is exactly as I remembered her. We must do that again SOON. I say a trip to the zoo, Stone Mountain, or the Aquarium (I've never been there), I am always up for the World of Coke and Varsity! How about Six Flags, White Water, and American Adventure?

Then we drove up to Kennesaw again seeing old haunts and to meet my sister, her ex, and my three nephews. Boy did I miss them and I wish things were like they used to be. I wonder if they could ever get back what once had? After lunch with my family we were off to see Jennifer in Calhoun... another trying time I had in my life. I moved up to Calhoun in April 2002... so almost 10 years ago. The night I moved up there that night there was a crazy tornado. That tornado reminds me of the one we had here last April. In Calhoun I had a lot of growing, I had a lot of trials. While hiding in Calhoun my first husband passed away and I lost Mackenzie. I dated for almost 5 years a drunk and a drug addict who couldn't seem to keep his stuff together but somehow he kept it together better than some people do. He held a job for a long time at least. We never got evicted and I never had to beg to keep my power on even with the layoff's. It was a trial and a test of my faith for sure but going back to Calhoun is a thrill for me. I love seeing Jennifer. She is a true best friend because she is the only person I can have a ratty head full of hair, I hadn't waxed my eye brows, or shaved my legs and I can be an out right bum and she doesn't judge me. She loves me and always wants me to visit. I wasn't gone a day before I got a text message saying she missed me and wondered when I was coming back. I know I am always welcome at Jennifer and Chris as well as anyone in my family. Jennifer and Chris have stuck by me even though I dropped the bomb on my neighbors like I did on the rest of the world. I was leaving Donnie and not only that I was leaving the state with someone they didn't know at all. I hope they trust me with that decision. Jennifer and Chris are like family! Its hard to believe we have been friends for over 8 years? The best thing about being friends with J&C is that Skylar has had a life long best friend in Cari and now William and their 4 year old Houston seem to be very close and always enjoy each other
Skylar 4 and Carri 5 in 2006
Jennifer and Chris with Emily 2011

Skylar, Zoe, and Carri

Anyways where I was ten years ago was lost and trying to find my way in Douglasville. Angels saved me time and time again from others and from myself. I believe an Angel led me to Calhoun even. Donnie may not have been the best choice but I don't regret it and he was the broken road that led me straight to home...

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Sunday, February 12, 2012

What Appliance Can I NOT Live Without

April 27th of 2011 We had a series (MULTIPLE) EF5 tornado's tear through our community. Houses & grocery stores were destroyed like bombs had gone off. The storms manage to damage huge power lines coming from the dam a hour away or a hour and a half away. Which made most of North Alabama without power except a small oasis of power called Athens. A couple of the bigger stores like Target and Publix got generators but many many gas stations and smaller stores didn't have generators. Many restaurants had gas stoves so they could still cook and they tried and just served $5 plates out their back door it was better than the food going to waste. Then small city of Athens, AL with a population of 21,000 was overwhelmed with people waiting in line for hours for bottled water, gas grills, charcoal, batteries, and gas. Cell phone and land line phone coverage was pretty much out. We had to live without power pretty much for about a week. We got power back a few days after Osama Bin Laden was killed. If I remember that was the day they announced it. So if you would have asked me a year ago what appliance could I not live without my answer would have been different. Now I would say I have lived without them all. The only thing I didn't have to do then was to hand wash clothes I went to Athens to wash clothes at the laundry mat. I could live without owning a washer I actually like going to the laundry mat. Thank God after all that destruction we had weeks of beautiful weather that had wonderful temps to be able to stay outside, grill out, open our windows for fresh air, and warm water by sunlight.

This was a Piggly Wiggly & Dollar General the survivors hid in the walk in Freezer

Anderson Hills 

A Funnel Cloud that was larger across than the four lane parkway (Memorial Parkway at Drake)

Another shot of some houses

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Saturday, February 11, 2012

RIP Whitney Houston

I get that some people don't care about celebrities and they think its stupid that some of us get so attached. I was devastated with Michael Jackson died. I was sad when Heath Ledger died. What a loss IMO. I also understand people don't want to hear about it (you know there is a way to hide those feeds?) I understand people are upset because celebrities get more media attention than our lost heroes that die in battle... again I think its TRAGIC but is it really necessary trashing the dead? I grew up you don't speak ill of the dead. There is no reason for you to call her names. You can't stand in judgement yet. You aren't supposed to judge her or anyone for that matter. She's standing before God same as Josh Powell and they will get their judgement. Its annoying as F to me that people pretend to be MJ fans NOW but did they listen to his music 6 weeks before he died? Probably not. Now we are going to hear years of Whitney tributes of people who pretend to be her fan. Don't hate on Whitney Houston because she probably made poor choices we all have at one time. Her's cost her daughter a mother.

Its tacky... don't do it! Be classy and just respect others and ignore it and don't start drama.

Overcoming Fear

A few years ago I was in a group therapy setting back in Georgia in my old life. The therapist told a story about an old Lion watching over his pride. Outsiders wouldn't come close because when the old lion would roar it would sound loud and scary. In reality the lion was old and his joints were bad and he just couldn't fight like he used to... The lion had a young son in the pride though who's voice wasn't as strong as his father's but his bite and fight were stronger. The "False Evidence" is the older lion's roar.. it made him appear scary yet there wasn't much fight left in him. This quote and this story has pretty much given me some foundation for my "Second Life." 

I don't know I guess my brain is wired differently. I have anxieties just as much as the next person. I have one type of anxiety dealing with my Post Traumatic Stress that is irrational at times but with my anxieties overall I have them in check most of the time. I had a good friend that had anxieties and my step son struggles with them and I have never fathomed letting fear control me. When I was struggling with depression I had a dream that I was back at my first church Trinity and we were having a lock in and I woke up to see demon's taking my church family that I was extremely close to dragging them out of the church. When I woke up I just said to myself perhaps depression is the devil's way of casting doubt or trying to cloud your mind. From that moment I decided I wouldn't let demon's win. I know I sound like I am over the top and usually I am not but about certain things it just pushes it up to the surface. My feelings that fear shouldn't control me comes from this nightmare... this dream as if it was a direct message from God. I have been through a lot of trials in my life starting from birth, dealing with my parents issues with drugs, abuse, & neglect. Then operations through out my teen years. Domestic Violence as an adult and loosing my first husband and son. Then getting out of another unhealthy relationship. Now finally surviving deployments, being away from Mackenzie and dealing with the new challenges that are set before me. I have never lived my life with fear controlling me. I do what I have to do to get it done or I would have never have made it this far. 

I have talked in my blog about learning to give it to God I am not going to repeat all that again. But just using these tools has helped me overcome fears

I thought I would hate...

Growing up I always said I wouldn't marry into the military and being a Georgia Peach I always said I wouldn't live in Alabama in my Carpe Diem moment I did both. I can't say I don't still HATE Alabama but Huntsville I have learned to love. It woo'd me and I am here. You go an hour outside of Huntsville and you definitely see a difference. I was born in California and raised between the suburbs of Los Angeles and Atlanta until the age of 10. Then I lived in the suburbs of Atlanta until I separated for my first husband.Then I lived in the peaceful mountains of Georgia... Still a Georgia Girl through and through. I didn't leave Georgia until I met Rick.

I thought I would hate being a military wife but being something is more mind over matter. Of course I was spoiled by being stationed at a TRADOC post where the rules are a little more lax for my husband's rank. Its a smaller post (also a bad thing with the drama), great housing... I can't complain about much. It was an experience I would do over and over again. No regrets.

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A place from my past that felt like home.

My home away from home growing up was the church I grew up in Trinity and my grandfather's farm. I was like a caged bird stretching her wings on the farm. I had so much freedom especially the older I got. My grandfather's wife had some issues dealing with my sisters, cousins and I and would lock us out of the house. But we were farm children its what we probably needed. Drinking out of a hose that had laid in the summer heat we weren't worried about diseases etc. We walked barefoot on the rock's that paved the drive ways. Climbed the tree's and ran in the pasture. I bet we even waded in the lake at times. I miss those days and I wish I could give my children the same open air freedom I had. Not having to worry about playing in the yard because a sexual predator or kidnapper might be lurking nearby. Not too many "boogie" men wondering around acre's and acre's of private land. Another place I always felt like I could run to was my neighbor and best friend Alicia's house and I did when I ran away I just ran two doors down.

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Friday, February 10, 2012

My Volunteer Work

I don't mind Volunteering as a matter of fact I am always trying to scheme up ways to volunteer. There is just never enough time. Sadly I haven't been able to volunteer with my daughters activities (class or girl scouts) because I always have to have William with me. Its something I have felt guilty about for awhile.
As a teenager I volunteered in a Homeless shelter in Atlanta for recovering Drug Addicts. I would volunteer to clean up the Atlanta Motor Speedway after a race (that is DISGUSTING!), I have volunteered to clean up rivers and creeks as a teenager. As an adult I have ran a mommy group since my oldest was 6 months old and Bella's Mommy Chat is 11 years old going strong :) Why do I consider this a volunteer activity because I believe I have helped many young mothers through the loneliness and difficulty of having a new baby. When I was in the thick of my "first life" I had Department Family and Children Services examining every move I made, They had me in a job program where I had to get a job, daycare assistance, Medicaid, Food Stamps, WIC, and Temporary Assistance for Needy Families. I have had all the assistance they can give me... the good and the bad. They believed I was doing volunteer work through Bella's Mommy Chat and PAID me until I had a regular paying job. I also volunteered at Tallatoona CAP to help Low Income families get heating costs met, medicines, and food. Once I became an Army Wife I did volunteer at Army Community Service. I didn't get to do much but I wanted to do so much more. I helped out with the Waiting Spouses. Waiting Spouses are those spouses who have husband's that are geographically separated. I was also like an FRG Leader/Point of Contact for my husband's MITT team. I was the go to girl for the whole Tennessee and Alabama area :)

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Carpe diem - the time I actually seized the day.

Should I start by telling a Thelma and Louise or a Bonnie and Clyde type story.. Sharing a bunch of pictures of our journey. It really didn't happen with all the thrill and excitement that Hollywood gives us. My Louise to my Thelma they were not with me but I thought maybe they were supporting me from the comfort of their homes in Florida and New York. My "Brad Pitt" wasn't in a convertible but it was a rusty old Geo Metro oh and we had a four year old stow away. The day I said Carpe Diem knowing I was giving up a whole branch of my family tree... just chopping it right down. Leaving behind the world I created in Georgia when just months earlier I swore I would never leave as long as Mackenzie was stuck there. In 24 short hours I decided to wrap the scarf around my neck grab my 4 year old by the hand and just jumped into the abyss without looking. Believe it or not the 4 hour car ride to Huntsville wasn't filled with awkward silences. I was in lust or love with my prince charming we seemed to mesh like Peanut Butter and Jelly. We had just met in person less than 48 hours earlier but we KNEW each other in such a deeper meaning and way we drove into our future without looking in the rear view mirror

Boy you sure look good there standin' in the doorway in the sunset light

Maybe I read you wrong thinkin' you could be my Mr. Right

I was puttin' my heart and soul on the line

Said you needed some time, just a little more time to make up your mind

Well it's been long enough

Time is up

Bye bye love I'll catch you later

Got a left foot down on my accelerator and the rear view mirror torn off

I ain't never lookin' back and that's a fact

I've tried all I can imagine

I've begged and pleaded in true lover's fashion

I've got pride I'm takin' it for a ride

Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye

Don't think all those tears are gonna hold me here like they've done before

You'll find what's left of us in a cloud of dust on highway 4

Baby what did you expect me to do

Just sit around and wait on you

Well I'm through watchin' you just skate around the truth

And I know it sounds trite

I've seen the light

Bye bye love I'll catch you later

Got a left foot down on my accelerator and the rear view mirror torn off

'Cause I ain't never lookin' back, and that's a fact

I've tried all I can imagine

I've begged and pleaded in true lover's fashion

I've got pride I'm takin' it for a ride

Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye

I'd lost the game I guess

I did my best to win the part

Now I'm leavin' here with what's left of my heart

Bye bye, I'll catch you later

Got a left foot down on my accelerator and the rear view mirror torn off

'Cause I ain't never lookin' back you can count on that

I've tried all I can imagine

I've begged and pleaded in true lover's fashion

I've got pride I'm takin' it for a ride

Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye

Bye bye

Oh baby


Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye


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