For those of you who have read my blog or know me I am sorry if this entry is particularly repetitive. But things that may seem like deja vu are symbolic to the make up that is me and big building blocks in that is that is my faith.
Even though I lost my oldest son I still at the time had a little baby (Skylar who is now 8½), living in a different town. I was dating a man who had addictions and problems. Perhaps the only people that can handle my baggage are those who have baggage themselves? He was raised Catholic but like Adam I think he was Atheist. Having my brief few weeks back at Trinity made me realize how good going to church was for my soul. It was like an energizer battery... it gave me energy and strength to go on. I wanted to continue this with my daughter. I was in an impossible relationship for nearly 5 years before it ended. Before it had ended Skylar who was a sippy cup addict would drink chocolate milk at all hours through those Nuby Sippy Cups and it caused cavities even though she would brush brush brush... her molars were damaged. So at 3½ she had to have a lot of baby teeth pulled and filled. She had to go under general anesthesia. With my 20+ surgeries I was scared for her. I cried I was a mess. I remembered Gianna and I prayed and asked friends and people online how do I give it to God? Then I heard "Jesus Take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood. I got some answers and just prayed please get me out of this impossible relationship that puts myself and Skylar at risk. Let her get through this simple procedure without any complications. I cannot loose ANOTHER child. She was pretty much the only earthly thing I had left to keep me going. Eventually I chose to end that relationship and move to Alabama.
I married a Soldier who deployed just months after our wedding. I once again was scared I couldn't handle it. I was scared I would fall apart and wouldn't be able to hold the weight on my shoulders. I was in a new city, no friends, a new step child (or two), a new life all together. I took it in force and I didn't back down. I had stumbles on my journey but I didn't get off the slippery rocks I kept trucking across all with Skylar in tow. She handled it beautifully as well.
4 years later I find myself troubled again. I find myself asking questions and doctors not having the answers. I am not given the answers to the questions. I want help... I beg and a plead. I was driving Skylar to Vacation Bible School (Yes I am back to attending church whenever possible. I couldn't make it without Willowbrook Baptist Church.) "Revelation Song" by Kari Jobe came on. This is a song last year that I would have daily prayer and meditation too. If I did my prayer, praise music, and meditation my day just seemed more complete and fulfilling. Anywhere hearing my song on the radio I realized I hadn't trusted and put my faith in God once again. I failed on my promise to not go down that road and to let him take the wheel. I didn't give my worries to him I let them burden me. I let them tie me down. Its been months I have been struggling especially lately. Its been building but lately its been extra difficult. That day going to VBS I broke down in tears driving and almost had to pull over realized I failed on my faith again because to have worry isn't to trust in HIM. I am so broken without faith. I've been trying to pull it together now but every time I think I take a step forward I take two steps backward and the journey seems to be more difficult. Between medical problems, problems in my relationships, emotional stress... its been a hard rucksack to carry. My burdens are heavy but my faith is still plenty when I choose to see it. I am working on that...
I used to have a sign growing up on my bedroom door... Be Patient God isn't finished with me yet.. I need a new one!