Thursday, March 10, 2011

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all thesongs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
I have been wanting to write this for sometime. I know three out of the five of them will be able to read this in the near future and perhaps the other two soon as well. So this Day Of Truth, This Entry into my blog, This letter, This playlist is to our kids.

Dear Alex we haven't spent a lot of time together because a few days after joining the family you became a man and joined the Army left for boot camp not even a week after I married your dad. I was put unknowingly at the helm of the family and I saw the hurt in your brothers face when you left. I don't know how much you were willing to take on that kind of responsibility or if I put it on you without you wanting it. But as the oldest you have your own responsibilities being the oldest. The brood looks up to you. You know this and I think at times you enjoy it. You like sharing things with your sister and playing with your baby brother. You and James can deny all you want but when you are here you two haven't grown that much apart. Yeah you've gotten a lot more social than James, you date, go out on the town where James doesn't yet but when you want to get into the family inner geek dom its not all lost. I am sure when your dad deployed in 2007 you understood that your brother was thrown into a new life (as well as your sister she's just better at dealing with it and expressing herself) that your brother had natural feelings of abandonment. That I needed you while you were at AIT and Korea to still be his brother, his best friend because you ARE supposed to be there for him. In my heart of hearts in my deep part of my soul I feel like that's the way families are supposed to be. Rick and I don't have that but I REALLY want that for you kids because one day you will realize the blood running through your veins means more than anything. Something happened in Korea where you didn't call back to the states for three months... then it happened again while you were deployed. I don't know what happened out there. You won't open up to me. When you do open up I see anger. I see your angry with your upbringing but sweetie you can't stay angry at the past. Its not healthy and its just you hiding from the truth. I know the past doesn't define you and if your sick son you will get help. I know if your angry you will work it out but burning the bridges of your dad and I, Aunt Pat, and Aunt Beth and Uncle George aren't the answer either. I know your a faithful man so you have to give all those hateful and angry feelings to God and work on the present Alex. The Alex who has seen more countries and probably more terrible stuff than most people. That you can put on the plate of experience. You can't work on repairing something actively by acting like its not there. We are here loving and worried about you. Alex we have talked and you know I am right you admitted to yourself that you have a problem. Stop hiding from us. Start working on your hurts, the pain that was caused to you totally unintentional. My song for you I chose is Innocent by Taylor Swift. Why did I choose this song? I know you probably don't like her singing but as to why I chose this song for you its personal and I don't think its the right thing to put out there. Its between you and I. If you could just give me a few hours of your time and let me tell you how we feel. I love you and you can't deny that. When you were in Korea I found a way to call the Chaplain there to hunt you down. When you didn't come home for R&R again I harassed the FRG.. WHY do you think I did this Alex? Why do you think no one cares about you? Just look up the lyrics to the song and if you have any questions you know my number and I don't avoid calls from you. I am always here unless your disrespectful toward me. Have faith, trust in God, Give it to God, God is God and God is always GOOD! 

Dear James
Unlike Alex and I you and I have gotten very close over the years. I think you have opened up to me more than most people. I think you know I can relate. I am hard as bricks on you but I think you very much need it. I think you know that too your just not willing to take that step. I am waiting for you and Rick to take that step. I think you have to initiate it though. I have seen some tough crap you've gone through. I have been heart broken with you. I have felt helpless that I couldn't make it better. I have seen you overcome things when you put your mind to it and in agreement with outside people it does take time... but the bird never left the nest because they wanted to.. usually mom has to be the one to push them to fly. You can try to hide the pain you have from the past and the present but I see it because I am a mom and I know you very well. I believe in you. I believe in your dreams if you don't want to be too blind to see them. Yesy your blind to your own dreams. Dreams your afraid to achieve. I believe you can do it. I believe you still have faith even though you don't want to worship anymore. I do believe you don't believe you can do anything you set your mind too. I do believe you can! Reach for the moon if you miss you will fall amongst the stars. Do you ever think about quotes like that? I don't think often enough. Find some inspiration, find your dreams and achieve them taking baby steps... You can do it! I chose for you well you know this song very well and you know that this is my song to you. Its 3 doors Down Its the Only One you Got. Why? Because I think you punish yourself for the past much like your brother you've learned to punish yourself and let it hold you back. This song is really meant for you and Alex. James you think its a good thing to run away and not face reality when its not because even if you don't try because your afraid of failure you still fail trying... I pray about you every single day to find the strength to move forward and NOT take the two steps back. I have seen you do it James! I know that you probably don't push to get your drivers license because your scared of that responsibility. Your scared to move forward scared of what is over the bridge. Just pray... look before you leap and dream! There is nothing else to it.

Dear Mackenzie
Mama Loves you and always will. I will always want you. Remember when I told you when you were little every time you see a butterfly its me thinking about you. Every May 31st I celebrate you. I celebrate the young man your becoming and wonder what its like in your world. Most days I get through okay. Some days I just have a harder time because its like time stopped at the age of three and I know your still growing and changing and surely being a good boy. I loved seeing you be a big brother to your sister and your unique personality. Sweetie soon we will be reunited and I can tell you all about your dad, you as a baby and us... I hope so soon. I chose Always by Building 429 for you because I believe in Gods promises and there is a reason for the past 7 years without you and one day we will be together again and hopefully you will let me be in your life and give you the love I have been waiting to give. As a baby Breathe by Faith Hill was my song to you. I'm Already There by Lonestar

Dear Skylar.
My only princess. Right now you don't understand how quite special that is. To me its very special. I love your brothers very much but your unique to me because it was just you and me for so long so I am much more protective or protective in another way. Its just us girls in pink in our house of Camo... rightly so.. I love our girl time together. Since William was born we don't get it as much but perhaps more during the Summer it will be easier that we can go get our nails done together and do the makeovers at Spoiled Rockin Kids. Things Daddy and William don't enjoy. I love that your the only princess I can spoil you and be there for you.. No competition! My princess I hope you grow up well and that I have taught you how to be a good person and a best friend. One day you might fall in love, get married and have a family.. and your daughter will be just like you! I am very proud of you! The songs I have chosen for you are In My Daughters Eyes by Martina Mcbride and Never Grow up by Taylor Swift. Dear my favorite daughter keep your faith and never let it go...

Dear William
aka Destroyer of Worlds (apparently moms eye sight) your so curious in this big world. Your fearless at times and other times you cling to mom and dad. I hope as you grow I can show you that you can always come back to me. I hope you always keep your sense of curiosity but remember to follow the right paths. Your so curious to see how things work and how we do things. Of course being the youngest of five your in a hurry to grow up. What I can't tell you is your mama's baby boy and you need to slow down and enjoy your adventures now without taking on bigger ones. I hope you have the best in life like we couldn't provide your brothers and sister. I chose for you God Speed by Dixie Chicks, Pure Imagination which is your favorite song from the Willy Wonka Sound track

Whether I gave birth to you I will love you just as much as you did. I promise you that. Just remember even when I make you scrape your knees its out of love. It doesn't mean I love you less. It just means you have to fall before you learn to get back up...

To All of you I dedicate I hope you Dance by Lee Ann Womack and Watching You by Rodney Atkins.

** to Facebook This was very emotional to write but I have been trying to do it for a long time not succeeding. I still don't think I succeeded and for the actual play list check my blog..

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