Friday, February 18, 2011

Day 4 of the 30 DOT

Disclaimer:: This is my day of truth not YOURS. Its how I feel not you If you weren't there you don't know. I am not blaming anyone for how I am today either!
Day Four -- Something I need to forgive someone else for... I didn't have a hard childhood but it has effected me for the rest of my life. My biological and adopted father's were both abusive when they drank. My biological father has psychological problems and has been out of my life completely since 2001. He burned his bridge into my life and I haven't seen him since 1989. He took a lot from my soul I can never get back. I can't speak for my mother but I wasn't a priority in her life for a very long time. I faced many operations without her by my side because she was in another state, with a different guy, doing what she needed to do. I don't know why my sisters and I were often dropped off at my "adopted" mother's house many summers. I don't know why one year she didn't come back for me. I don't know why when I flew alone from my sperm donors in California why she wasn't there to get me at the airport. I don't know if I want these answers. Some of the answers I have gotten have been things I probably didn't want to hear anyways. At the age of 10 I lived with my "adopted mother and father" I was a sick child and had to have operations every summer. She cared for me and watched over me. When I was a late teenager. I had some rough times and got into trouble like most teenagers do. I rebelled some but I wasn't in bad trouble. I felt like I became the black sheep. Slowly but surely my adopted family pushed me out and we stopped talking all together in 2007. So when I was 18 I was left feeling like I wasn't wanted by my biological mother because she was hurt. I was left feeling like my "adopted" mother didn't want me because I was 18 and no longer her burden. She turned her cheek because she didn't like some of my actions... Again I didn't do ANYTHING horrible! I have never served time in prison, I am not a drug addict, alcoholic... I didn't get pregnant as a teenager and drop out of school-- not that THAT is horrible but it would be to her. I guess both of my mothers were going through their own turmoil and the result was me without a complete relationship with my mother. Most people have their mother at the birth of their child... I didn't get that. My biological mother stayed for the vows at my first wedding but I didn't see her afterward. My grand parents didn't come to my wedding. There were fights with my sisters because I didn't have bridesmaids. I think my "adopted" mother didn't want my oldest sister in the wedding. Perhaps because she just didn't agree with her lifestyle. Perhaps it was because she is bi sexual. I don't know. Again I never asked for answers and answers I never have gotten. Not sure I want them now. Many times in my grown up life my adopted mother thought I stole heirloom jewelry from her when I didn't. Many times I had an ex boyfriend or my abusive first husband tell her HIS side of the story and she always picked his side over mine. DAMMIT I am your daughter! Your faith is supposed to be in ME or at least ASK! I asked her for help getting out of my last relationship because he was an alcoholic abusing xanax (6 at a time mixed with moon shine?) and she just said wait till the holidays are over. Well I broke up with him right before New Years Eve.. I wasn't going to spend another year with his torture (almost five years dealing with that!) I moved on and looked for other help. I had an opportunity and I took it. That night I had to live horror all over again. my ex took Skylar and hid with her in the woods. I went to several different police agencies and no one would help find her. She was KIDNAPPED. He isn't her FATHER. I lived the issues with Mackenzie all over again. Thankfully his uncle returned Skylar to my arms. Rick and I developed a relationship but I NEVER cheated on Donnie EVER. Yet she took the crazy drug addict's side over mine! She told people that I was crazy and I deserved to have Skylar taken from me... after she watched Mackenzie being ripped from my arms and acted like she was helpless to help. For awhile she was supportive in taking me to the lawyers, helping pay for her at first, taking me to visitations... Then I had to have a major operation. I was told to stay away from Mackenzie. After that her life was always too busy to take me to anymore visitations. She stopped helping me pay for the lawyer too so I lost a lawyer... yet I was too sick to get a job to pay on my own. EVEN if she knew Mackenzie would be placed in a potentially volatile situation. The day of court she didn't even show up for support. NO ONE DID! She was under the weather with a UTI she said... Of course when I lost Mackenzie she said well I knew that would happen. WHO THE HELL SAYS THAT TO THEIR CHILD? Complete devastation set in for over a year. Yet Skylar not yet a year old still needed a mother. She still needed me and I was reeling! Begging for help.

Another person I have to forgive is Adam my first husband. Through his abuse, Him not taking care of himself so he wouldn't DIE. He should have been treating his epilepsy... It almost felt like selfish suicide. Epilepsy isn't deadly if its treated! At least his was never that bad. I have to forgive Adam for keeping Mackenzie away from me and treating me like I was the abusive one. Treating me like I was a criminal which lead to the circumstances above where Mackenzie was finally taken by his mother. If he would have taken care of this and worked out issues with Mackenzie and taken care of himself I would still have my baby... yet his hate drove him so far. Adam's father always told me he would be a father to me no matter what. Yet when Adam covered his ass and spread his lies to his family they turned their back on me and as far as I am concerned they turned their back on Mackenzie too. Robert (Adam's dad) knew what kind of situation it was. He KNEW he would probably never see Mackenzie again either... yet no one was there at court. It was very painful for me. I was mourning for Adam, dealing with my issues with my "adopted" mother, My boyfriend at the time was having issues, I had a newborn, plus trying to keep up with the custody battle. It will be a long time before I can forgive Adam.

Now I am told I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Its possibly a chemical imbalance that I was born with triggered by these risk factors...
Risk factors for BPD include:

  • Abandonment in childhood or adolescence
  • Disrupted family life
  • Poor communication in the family
  • Sexual abuse

This personality disorder tends to occur more often in women and among hospitalized psychiatric patients.

I also have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome because of the events that happened with Mackenzie and Skylar. I never trust anyone with Skylar. I mean ANYONE. I have blown up at her school for not letting me in the building during operating hours. I don't like her not being accessible to me. Now I am showing the same triggers with William.

No I am not blaming anyone but myself for choices I have made since adulthood but sometimes the proof is loud. BPD is caused by childhood trauma. PTSD is caused by Traumatic events. Most of my operations are caused by environmental (drugs, alcohol, etc) properties not genetic defects... Doctors say this... NOT ME. How are these things not putting a direct effects on my relationships and decisions?

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