Monday, February 28, 2011
Day 14 of the 30 Days of Truth. A Letter to a Hero that let me down
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Since I was young.. much younger I always felt like a responsibility a burden. Like you took care of me because I was sick and there was no one else. You felt you had to take care of me because it was the right thing to do. Like it is your guilt... When I turned 18 and started to live life for me and not under your roof. You basically told me hey your not my responsibility anymore your Martha's child. While Martha gave me the feeling that I was your responsibility. When I came into my own I felt motherless. I could understand the anger and hurt that Martha had. Living with you from the age of 10 till 18 I looked up to you a lot. You busted your ass, sacrificed time and effort. Lots of traveling, court dates, and doctors appointments and time in the hospital. The more Sherry was in the picture she became the favorite daughter. You would give her the little gifts and I felt jealousy and I didn't feel like your daughter. I called you mom... I introduced you as mom.. you introduced me as that girl you have custody of. I was the black sheep. I felt unwanted and I didn't feel I could ever make you, Duane, or Barbara proud of me. That's all I ever wanted from you guys is acceptance. Until one day I said why? I am sorry if that day became a disappointment for you. I am sorry if you felt like Duane and Sherry could never adopt because of how I effected their view of adopted children. I can't believe you actually said that to me. I can't believe you weren't supportive of the custody case with Mackenzie... not for MY sake but for the well being of Mackenzie. You turned your back on not only me but my children. Growing up from the age of 3 you WERE my hero. You WERE the wind beneath my wings I tried to show you the best way I could... But ultimately your out of my life now and you turned off the lights and locked the door on our relationship. Your not my kids Nana... Your closer to my sister than you are with me. I miss my family but I am not willing to be stabbed again and again by your disappointment in how I turned out when I did everything I could not to get disapproval. I can't give much more of myself and I don't plan on it. Because at the end of the day a Good Christian doesn't turn their back on family. A good Christian only lives to please God. I don't need your approval just my kids and God. At the end of the day... only I have to be happy with my life. When I become a foster parent I won't treat that child like oh this is the kid that lives with me... That child needs the same love and attention as other children probably MORE to make them feel reassured they are loved. At the end of the day I still tend to call you Mom because I know no other words. At the end of the day I always thought you were a Mother to me.