Monday, August 2, 2010

I am

I Am lyrics

Relationships whether it be with a neighbor, lover, husband, friend, family member are always complicated. Either you feel defensive and put down because they use words that hurt. They may not mean it that way but ultimately its how it effects you isn't it? When you say something you have to remember its not always the content or way you say something but how it will effect the other person. It can be life or death too. You can save someone's life with a simple hello or you can send them over the edge of desperation.
I think we have all been in a relationship before where we had our walls up and we were always on the defensive trying to not get hurt and we usually end up hurt anyways. Then there are the polar opposites where we make ourselves vulnerable to a person. Sometimes we regret doing it, sometimes we get angry for being so open. Have you ever done that? Which way do you tend to lean? Is there a healthy and unhealthy way? Is there a happy medium or am I just that warped that I have to do everything extreme.
I pride myself on being bluntly honest. I will tell someone what I think of them but I have such bad insecurities when it comes to my female friendships I often hide my scars and my thoughts. But when it comes to my husband I can be quite brutal. I don't know why. I say I have a pretty tough exterior with a no bullshit tolerance. I am insecure at the same time about my blunt honesty because it does get me in trouble and hurt people. I never set out to hurt people with my thoughts and emotions. I also question the validity of my thoughts and emotions. Thats something I have to come to terms with because there are some parts of me that will never change.
I have ran a support group since my oldest was 6 months old that is almost 10 years in October. I used to tell people to be aware that there are thoughts and emotions on the otherside of their monitors because sometimes its so easy to let everything out at your own computer monitor because its an object not a person with emotion. Eventually someone is always going to read what you type.
Emotions make you very naked. It shows the bruises, scars, and raw core of yourself. Whether your comfortable or not exposing them you have to do it with someone eventually. Well I know myself personally even if I hide my scars I wish someone would touch my heart with a healing touch and take me all of me with the rawness and scars and all....
At least I know my heavenly father accepts 100% of me and my scars. He may not always like the rawness of me but he will accept me and love me for every bit of beauty I have.

1 comment:

Crystal said...

Be thankful that you have a husband that you can be yourself with, who accepts you for who you are & who you don't have to walk on eggshells around. I question the validity of my own feelings moreso now than ever. I never did that before I was married, but now my self-confidence has been drained & I second guess every decision I make. I used to work through life with precision. Now I feel I am tied, tethered & can't do anything without permission.