Monday, August 30, 2010

Mamarazzi Monday : James is a Jeep Owner

Mamarazzi Monday

James bought his first vehicle. He doesn't know how to drive yet. He doesn't have a drivers license but this is a good way to learn. The Beast as it is called (from his previous family) needs lots of work about 2 Grand worth of work but the inital investment was closer to blue book Value. So James will get to learn about vehicle care (surely not from his father!) How to drive a car and how responsibility as an adult begins! Here is the first step to James' independance!

Love Dare Day 7 -- Meditation

No I haven't done my list yet but I will today if I get a chance. I had a busy day planned. But I didn't sleep well last night and I just don't feel good. I don't feel like going out. I hate being at home but I have not been able to just work at home in awhile so I guess this is my body's way of telling me to slow down and get William back on his schedule. I won't be bored though because I have all the consignment stuff to tag and get ready and I have no idea how! Pray for me! I will be doing my blogging, my list for my love dare and I may attempt Day 8 at the same time. Stay tuned!

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Love Dare Day 7 --2010

Dare 7

For today's dare, get 2 sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. Place both sheets in a secret place for another day. There is a different purpose for each. At some point during the remainder of the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having that characteristic.

There are 2 rooms in the private corners of your heart. One of these is the Appreciation Room. In this room the walls are covered with words and phrases that describe the good attributes of your mate. They include things like "honest", "intelligent", or "diligent worker." When you think about these things your appreciation for your spouse increases. Most of the things in the Appreciation room were most likely written in the beginning stages of your relationship, when you spent a good amount of time dwelling in this room. You could summarize all of the things you liked and respected about your loved one. But you may find you do not visit this room as often as you once did.

In another corner of your heart lies the Depreciation room, and unfortunately you visit there as well. On the walls are written things that bother or irritate you about your spouse. Emotional injuries fester here, adding more scathing remarks to the walls. It is where ammunition is kept for the next big fight and bitterness spreads like a disease. People fall out of love here.

Spending time in the depreciation room kills marriages. Divorces are plotted in this room. The more time spent in this room, the more your heart devalues your spouse.

Everyone fails and has areas where they need growth. Everyone has unresolved issues, hurts, and personal baggage. This is a sad aspect of being human.

Love knows about the depreciation room and does not live in denial that it exists. BUT love chooses not to live there.

Love chooses to believe the best about people. It gives them the benefit of the doubt. And when our worst hopes are proven true, love makes every effort to deal with them and move forward. As much as possible, love focuses on the positive.

It is time to move to the appreciation room. Settle down and make it your home! As you mediate on the positives, you will learn that many more positive characteristics could be written on the walls. Your spouse is a living, breathing, endless book to be read. Dreams and hopes have yet to be realized. Talents and abilities may be discovered like hidden treasures. But the choice to explore them starts with a decision by YOU.

You must develop the habit of reigning in your negative thoughts and focus on the positive attributes of your mate. This is a crucial step as you lead your heart to truly love your spouse. It is a decision you make, whether they deserve it or not.

Love Dare Day 6 -- Meditation

We actually didn't have a bad day. I didn't always agree with him. He let James slide again and now Rick has to work extra hours tonight. But I just kept my mouth shut but I might have slipped him a dirty look!
When Rick deployed he kept asking if I was okay with the fact that he deployed. At first I felt angry because he CHOSE to be deployed. He could have retired right then. He deployed for the money which I know now as military families sometimes its a saving grace. It helps us get ahead. Is it worth it? No not really. Not for the risk not for the cost. In some ways I am glad he deployed. I learned about people, new things, myself, and the kids. Yes I was okay as the poem goes. I did fine. I had a really rough point, but emotionally I was good. Even when I wasn't supposed to be because of my condition. I didn't fall apart like some of the others do. I saw a 16 year veteran wife fall apart in my yard. I wasn't ever the same either. I don't think I will ever have the man I married back either. He's been home 22 months and I often want to break down and cry just longing for the man I married.

Anyways here is a poem I wrote a few years back

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Yes I am Okay!
Current mood: sad
Category: Writing and Poetry
Yes I am Okay, Yes I am fine.
No I am not okay with you being so far away from me.
No I am not okay with you missing our first Christmas together.
No I am not okay with you missing our first Anniversary us being apart.
Yes I am Okay, Yes I am FINE!
No I am not okay, looking at pictures of you holding me,
Tears flowing. Chills over come me without your presence.
No I am not okay with the fact that soon I know your touch will become a memory.
Yes I am Okay, Yes I am FINE!
No I am not okay with the fact that your smell will no longer exist.
No I am not okay that 400 days of our lives will pass before we can say its over.
No I am not okay that I have all these worries and questions.
Yes I am Okay, Yes I am FINE!
But maybe I will never be the same...

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Love Dare Day 6 -- 2010

Love Dare #6

Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list of of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life.

Sign this post when you complete this dare and move onto the next day

Feel free to post your thoughts/experiences on this dare.

Love is hard to offend and quick to forgive. How easily do you get irritated and offended? People who are irritable are locked, loaded, and ready to overreact. When under pressure love does not turn sour. Minor problems do not yield major reactions. The truth is love does not get angry or hurt unless there is a legitimate and just reason in the sight of God. A loving wife is not overly sensitive or cranky but exercises emotional self-control. She chooses to be a flower among the thorns and respond pleasantly during prickly situations.

Two key reasons people become irritable are stress and selfishness. To overcome stress you must balance, prioritize, and pace yourself. Too often we throw caution to the wind and run full steam ahead, doing what feels right at the moment. Soon we are gasping for air, wound up in knots, ready to snap. The increasing pressure can wear away at our patience and our relationship.

When you are irritable the heart of the problem is primarily a problem of the heart. Some people are like lemons: when life squeezes them they pour out a sour response. Some are more like peaches, when the pressure is on the result is still sweet.

Selfishness also wears other masks. Lust is the result of being ungrateful for what you have and choosing to covet or burn with passion for something that is forgiven. When your heart is lustful it will become easily frustrated or irritable. Bitterness takes root when you respond in a judgmental way and refuse to work through your anger. Greed for more money and possessions will frustrate you with unfulfilled desires. Pride leads you to act harshly in order to protect your ego and reputation.

These motivations can not be satisfied. However when love enters your heart, it calms you down, and inspires you to quit focusing on yourself. Love will lead you to forgive instead of hold a grudge, to be grateful instead of greedy. Love reminds you to prioritize your family rather than sacrifice them for a promotion at work. Ultimately love lowers your stress and helps you release the venom that can build inside. It then sets you up to respond to your spouse with patience and encouragment rather than anger and exasperation.

Love Dare Day 5 -- Meditation

His 3 points are 1) lack of paitence with him and his lack of hearing, being bossy, lack of cleaning.


Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Skylar's Birthday Surprise!

Skylar is really into Zebra right now. Since I put her back in a twin bed at her request and sold her full bed. I decided as part of her Christmas or Birthday present we can remake her room into more of a tween room (Why do little girls grow up.) I just hung all the dang fairy princess stuff up last year!
ahh well its all in fun I suppose. The part I love about shopping is the chase and finding all the goodies and gathering ideas. So I am putting my ideas into motion by blogging them (so I don't forget hehe) and get some feed back.

We got awesome Zebra sheets at Old Time Pottery for $11. I got a Pink Minky blanket at Target. My thinking was a little zebra accented in pink but I am getting over ruled so she will have two bed sets for just incases and if Zebra becomes more powerful than Skylar's mommy haha. I got rainbow zebra sheets just for S&G at Big Lots for $8. I got her a body pillow cover too!

I got this bedding at Target.
and this pillow
Now on to the planning I need to find the pictures I took of her room when it was clean haha so you can get a better sense of what I am working with I guess.
Well she has a Doll house looking book shelf similar to the one pictured below. She has a white metal crate shelf as seen below with a bunch of canvas and wood storage containers in it. Most of them are pink, purple, or Hannah Montana. She also has a couple of crunch cans, a toy box, cheap dressers and a TV on a TV stand. Most of her toys in her room are dolls (baby dolls, polly pocket dolls, barbie dolls, build a bears, stuffed animals, doll house dolls, etc) anything that is small enough that it may be a choking hazard to a small child such as her brother.

My friend sent me this webpage

This is a cute little teen bedroom. Thats Skylars bedding on that bed too! But there are no nicnaks or toys much. I have tried to show Skylar and of course she WANTS this but she wants her toys too LOL. I can't expect an eight year old to give up her toys. But I would like to achieve my own creation similar to this one. The only thing I am restricted on is furniture. Which may be able to happen by the Summer but not right now. I am currently thinking about a loft bed I saw on CL but I don't know where I am going to get the $150 lol
That would give me more room to work with. Eh there is also a $75 dollar one on CL but its metal which I would prefer to stay away from.

I was thinking of getting black/pink shelves from different places I saw some cheap combos right now at Target since everyone is doing the back to school. I just need to grab them before they are gone. Maybe a pink bean bag but those can be pricey. Some sparkly black/pink frames from places like Ross, TJ Max, Target, Marshalls, and Kohls. She needs a window treatment, I would love to find some good wall art just not sure what picture would be good (other than the zebra in the example which I can't find!) Some pretty cool pink lamps which are also inexpensive right now. If we don't go with the loft bed then a ceiling fan. Paint maybe an accent wall Pink? Maybe Pink with a chair rail and black hmm?

A chalkboard decal like this is $10 at Tuesday morning and a little more at Target its cheaper and easier than chalk board paint! FOR SURE!


Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Love Dare Day 4 -- Meditation

Today has been a challenging day and Rick is at NG working a long busy day at work. I told him how my day was going (before it got stressful), and I asked him how his day was and what I could do for him. He said something sweet in response. Now lunch time is here James and William are being a challenge and now I am stressed and I wished I had a car just to drive around (even with little man in the back) listening to the radio. It seems to be a good destresser.


Love Dare Day 5 -- 2010

Love Dare #5

The Dare:
Ask you spouse to tell you three things that cause him to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is their perspective only.


Love is not rude. To be rude is to act unbecoming, embarrassing, or irritating. In marriage this could be a foul mouth, poor table manners, or a habit of making sarcastic quips. When a man is driven by love, he intentionally behaves in a way that is more pleasant to be around. If a woman desires to love him, she purposefully avoids things that frustrate him or cause him disrespect.

Good manners express to your significant other "I value you enough to exercise some self-control around you. I want to be a person who's a pleasure to be with." When love changes your behavior you restore an atmosphere of honor to your relationship.

If you don't let love motivate you to make needed changes in your behavior, the quality of your relationship will suffer. Love is not rude but lifts you to a higher standard. Do you wish your significant other would quit doing things that bother you? Then it is time to quit doing things that bother them.


Bye Bye School Bus

When we moved into the neighborhood my neighbor has a 3/4 year old and a 10ish year old. The little boy runs to "Greet" the day and say "goodbye" to his sister. Its more like Bye Sister.... Bye. Come back don't leave!! Its so adorable and I often thought to myself YUP this is what's going to happen to me. Well its a short walk to the bus stop at the end of the road and you can see it from my house. On the right hand side there is a house where in the past year. We have never seen anyone there, anyone leave, anyone come except to mow the law and take care of the newspapers that pile up. I think there were a few Christmas lights. So we joke its going to be one of those houses that will be mysterious as our children grow and they will make stories up of this house at the bus stop.

This year Rick carries William out to the bus stop and we always stay out there with Skylar for her protection. Last year Skylar would play with the 10 or so kids out there. Now she just stays with William. The boy next door still screams for his sister and William waits for the bus to arrive. For the 5 or so minute wait they run around on the sidewalk or up and down the mysterious house's drive way. Its steep so it can be quite a challenge for my diapered fat thighed boy lol. Then as she departs on the bus he does a sad wave and gets real quiet. Then its just him and I for the day.

At 2:45pm its time for the bus to arrive again and we walk to the bus stop (Will & I) to greet Skylar from her day at school. He runs down the side walk to the bus stop and gives an excited wave and sister a big hug when she gets off of the bus. Sometimes he points to the bus and calls out to it. Sometimes he gets distracted by the Military Planes or Chinooks. Everyday she asks to go to a friends house and hte days that I permit he gets so confused that the big bus came and still he doesn't have his sister.I figure soon he will be the little boy at the end of the side walk screaming for his sister.... Maybe the boy next door can help chime in.


Monday, August 23, 2010

Love Dare Day 3 -- Meditation

Well there wasn't an opportunity to buy something for my husband. He did pick out a Count doll (from Seasme Street) cause he thought it was cute LOL. So maybe I will do day 3 and 4 today. I need to go to the store for some index cards and stickers for the upcoming consignment sale.


Love Dare Day 4 --2010

The Dare:

Contact you spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them.


When you first fell in love being thoughtful came natural to you. You honestly confessed "I can't stop thinking of you." Once marriage occurs, that begins to change. The hunt is over, and the pursuing is done. Motivation for thoughtfulness cools. You drift into focusing on other things. After a while you begin to unintentionally ignore the needs of your mate.

Thoughtlessness is a silent enemy in relationships. Love requires thoughtfulness on both sides. Love teaches you how to meet in the middle, to respect and appreciate how your spouse uniquely thinks. A husband should listen to his wife and learn to be considerate of her unspoken message. A wife should learn to communicate truthfully and not say one thing while meaning another.

Love thinks before speaking. Great marriages come from Great Thinking!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

My encounter with a working woman

So the area of town I live in is only known for the school shooting that happened last year. A 15 year old shot and killed a 14 year old boy and now he is going to be tried for as an adult. I live off of County Line Road and it literally means that its the end of the county. So once upon a time I am sure this was 99% farm land in the last 10 years anyways. Now of course where there is farms failing there are developers ready to eat the profit. Insert my house. Well on the major road off of County Line is the road that leads to the airport ... Rick, the family, and I were driving along and we saw a woman very thin. I could see almost every bone in her chest and arms, very tanned, long hair and she was wearing little to nothing. We just kinda snickered at her and I figured she was looking for some Meth. Well Rick just called and said he saw the same lady flagging down cars on the side of the road. There are NO houses in this area its industrial, hotels, the airport, and other businesses. So I said well maybe I better just ask the police what's up. I called the city dispatch and she had saw the same lady and described her to me but told me I didn't have the right dispatch I had to call Huntsville dispatch because the lines are drawn real weird around here. I called them and they said nope that's the cities dispatch. So I called her back and she told me to call someone else. Then he told me to call another person and finally they said they would keep an eye out. I mean there is nothing they can do but its close enough to my house and around too many empty buildings to NOT be concerned. So I had to giggle at my working woman and trying to be nice to the police to tell them about our little encounters with her and the fact vehicles are always going behind the old liqueur store near here. When's the last time you were a good citizen and what did you do?

Skylar troubles

Skylar was playing with someone that lives near by she was in her class last year and Skylar LOVES her and wants to live with her and be her sister. The problem: They are allowed way to much freedom. The mother of the child doesn't watch them. I was told they were allowed to walk around the neighborhood (maybe allowed isn't the word but they DID walk around the neighborhood) and I have also been over there picking up Skylar and Skylar was in the trampoline by herself and complained the girl was over at her neighbors the whole time. So Rick and I put serious restrictions on letting her go over there. A few weeks ago I spoke to the mother about not letting Skylar play outside without an adult closely watching them. Its my rule at home so I expect Skylar to follow it. Her friend isn't allowed to play over here (her mother says so.)

Now a child seems to have discipline problems and mistreats Skylar. I am not seeing any discipline happening. Rick says Skylar isn't allowed to play there. Skylar doesn't understand when I tell her no she just asks what she did wrong and what can she do to earn the priviledge again. I don't want to punish Skylar for the other child's (or their parents) actions. My therapist said its not always my place to come to Skylar's rescue and to let her work out the problems with her friends on her own. SO what is the answer?

Love Dare Day 3

Today is our day for worship and its funny last time I did love dare our Pastor was doing the Mustang Marriage and now he is doing the 40 days of love sermon series.

Love Dare #3

The Dare:

Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you. It's hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says "I was thinking of you today."


We live in a world enamored by "self." The culture around us teaches us to focus on our appearance, feelings, and personal desires as the top priority. The goal it seems, is to chase the highest level of happiness possible. The danger from this kind of thinking becomes apparent once inside a relationship.

If there is a word that basically means the opposite of love, it is selfishness. Unfortunately it is something that is ingrained into every person from birth. You can often see it in the way adults mistreat one another. Almost every sinful act every committed can be traced back to a selfish motive. You cannot point out how many ways your spouse is selfish without admitting that you can be selfish too.

Loving couples are bent on taking care of the rother flawed human they get to share life with. One ironic aspect of selfishness is that even generous actions can be selfish if the motive is to gain bragging rights or receive a reward. The bottom line is that you either make decisions out of love for others or love for yourself. Choosing to love your mate will cause you to say "no" to what you want so you can say "yes" to what they need. That is putting the happiness of your partner above your own.

Nobody knows you as well as your mate. And that means that no one will be quicker to recognize a change when you deliberately start sacrificing your wants for his needs to make sure his needs are met.

You partner also has the challenge of loving a selfish person. Determine to be the first to demonstrate real love to them, and when it is all done you'll both be more fulfilled.

Love Dare Day 2 -- meditiation

Yesterday on top of not being negative to my honey I was also supposed to do a good deed. I won't post my good deed but the day did get away from me so it will push on till tomorrow and I REALLY need work on my mouth :)

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Five Question Friday

1. Do you have any nicknames and if so how did it come about? Bella came from a show in the 90's I believe it was called Young Ameicans the character  in the show was strong willed. I wanted to name my daughter that (Realize my only daughters name is Skylar) Then I started using the screen name Bella Poet and people just started calling me Bella. My old friends from way back when always called me KK which was my initals.

2. What is your birth order amongst your siblings? Natural sisters I am the baby, between natural and half I am the middle. Adopted siblings I am the youngest

3. In a movie of your life, who would play your significant other? Brian McNamara or Drew Fuller

4. What is currently your favorite song? Lead Me

5. Are you saving your money for anything right now? Big or small purchase? Car, Fence, House Decor, Clothes

Milspouse Friday Fill In

Mil Spouse Friday Fill-in

Thanks again to Wife of a Sailor for coming up with this!

1. If you could be a fugitive from the law for whatever reason, what would your crime be? Kidnapping

2. How long do you think you will be a military family? Once a Military Family always a Military Family. My husband was in the Military for 24 years. He had his first marriage and two children before myself and children came along 3 years ago.

3. What’s your favorite recipe? Hungarian Goolash and cinnamon tea cakes

4. What would you want your last five words to be when you leave this life? I love you very much.

5. Where do you hope to retire? We are here in Huntsville.

Love Dare Day 2 -- 2010

Love Dare day 2. We might go to the Star Wars Experience at the Space and Rocket center. Then its Brendan's first birthday party. Lets pray for today to be a better day.

Love Dare # 2

The dare:

In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected act of kindness.


Kindness is love in action. Kindness is how love ACTS to maximize a positive circumstance. Patience avoids a problem, kindness creates a blessing. These two sides of love are cornerstones on which many other attributes build.

When you are operating kindness, you're careful how you treat your spouse, never being unnecessarily harsh. You are sensitive and tender. Even if you have to say hard things, you will bend over backwards to make your rebuke/challenge easier to hear.

Kindness inspires you to be agreeable instead of being obstinate, reluctant, or stubborn, you cooperate, you stay flexible. Rather than complaining, you look for reasons to compromise and accommodate.

Kindness thinks ahead. The kind husband/wife will be the one who greets first, smiles first, and forgives first. They do not require the other to get his/her act together before showing love. When acting from kindness, you see the need, then make your move.

Wasn't kindness one of the first things that drew you to your SO? Weren't you expecting to enjoy his/her kindness for the rest of your life? Didn't your mate feel the same way about you? Even though years can take the edge off of desire, your enjoyment is still linked to the daily level of kindness expressed.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Love Dare Day 1 -- meditiation

6:45 am Perhaps I should have started out my day with a prayer. I think I already screwed up the day. Instead I was rudely awoken by the bright light and the pouncing of my one year old as I dreamed about Trinity United Church (The church I was raised in and how it USED to be).

Rick was negative on Skylar since the dawn broke on the day and it gets on my nerves because I wish he was that assertive with all the children. I know I tend to be over protective of my own children and its an instinct for me but when he deserves back up I will give it to him. When he treats the other kids the same I will back him up. I tell him often that Skylar will resent him for this.

So it started at the breakfast table since I have to wait an hour to eat due to my medication I can't eat breakfast with the family. He made eggs and toast for everyone. Of course James was asleep on the couch, Skylar played around with her eggs I guess for a little while then complained they were too cold. Upon going into the microwave then they were too hot. Quite possibly she just didn't want eggs I am not denying it. But he was just yelling at her over and over again. Instead of saying what needed to be said and leaving it alone. So I  intervened told him enough yelling. He got his point across and she can't say anything if he was just going to stand there over her and yell at her. I know I wouldn't. So did I mess up on my first dare not to say anything negative? Thats walking a fine line

Day 2 7:29 am
Yesterday was a very trying day. Rick lashed out at me and said some very hurtful things and I did watch what I say back to him and was trying not to put him down.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Love Dare Day 1-- 2010

It looks like I need to try Love Dare again. I am just getting to a frustrated point and I don't see a solution so maybe because I didn't finish it the first time. With therapy, depression medication and Love Dare maybe this time I can seek the truth. Who else has done Love Dare? Did you finish it? Was it successful? Are you doing it now?

Rick is off all day tomorrow for me to remember Love Dare Day #1.

Today's Dare

The first part of this dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose to not say anything. It's better to hold your tongue than to say something you'll regret.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Giving it to God my journey

I read Gianna Aborted and Lived to Tell about it. Years and years ago.

She talks about giving it to God etc. I never understood it. When Mackenzie had to go live with the grand bitch I just said God has a reason and its not for me to question it. I mean YOU know how freaked I get about Skylar. She had to have general anesthesia at the age of what 3 or 4 I don't remember to have some teeth removed. I FREAKED big time. I still questioned how to give it to God etc etc. But I did my best. I heard Jesus Take the Wheel ( and it kinda put me at a calm and I just promised God if he helped me with Skylar that I would give back to him. I would lead my life in another direction. My prayer and promise was a lot like the words to the song. Then when I left that situation in Georgia a year or less later. I questioned the road I was about to take. The Journey... When Rick made the decision that he didn't want to leave me in Georgia and I had to leave the ex and my family. I really was scared to leave Mackenzie behind. I wouldn't live in the state as him anymore. I wouldn't have the safety of my family... Although they looked more unsafe at that time. I knew it would be a better life here. Even once we were married I hoped I chose the right road for Skylar. Then we chose William and retirement and I still questioned my decisions. Now I feel whole about my faith. I kept telling Rick over the summer have faith, pray about it... God will provide and I got the usual yeah whatever... God doesn't pay the bills. But he did! You know how many job interviews Rick has been offered since ITT-CAS? I mean who would have been able to convince him a month ago he would quit ITT-CAS?

I guess I got a little preachy but Willowbrook, My Faith, and God really have renewed something in my soul lately...

Jig is up. I share an embarrasing moment.

Well on Tuesday I got up put my nice jeans on (Ok so they were a $1 at a yard sale, but they were Avenue, they were soft, and they fit comfy)... I went to Chuck E Cheese to meet the rest of the Military Play group. After Chuck E Cheese we went to Party City, Babies R Us, Michael's and even Rick ran into Target. After we got home I baked cupcakes (Cinnamon Tea Cake) and then went across the street to my neighbor Brittany's. Every time I get into sunlight I sneeze. So I have to crouch down (so I don't wet myself) and pull the cupcakes, ice cream and my coke away from my body so they are germ infested.... I go to Brittany's and we have a good time. Eating cupcakes, opening presents etc... I come home go the bathroom and it looks like a bomb blew out the back of my jeans. I am not talking I split the seam. I am talking about you clearly see my butt! I put pajama pants on and marched over to Brittany and asked if she noticed my hole. I mean crater... She said sorry honey I don't check out your ass LOL. I was mortified and wondered how long it had been there... Like since Chuck E Cheese?

Now I mourn my comfy jeans and had to get an old navy credit card to be able to afford another pair which aren't so comfy and nice *wah*

Worry Free Wednesday

Worry-Free Wednesday is where I list (you can do this literally or mentally) everything I worry about & I turn it over to God. I don't worry about it any more. Because worrying is the opposite of having faith & we are instructed to have faith. linked from

1. I will try not to worry about money and paying bills because. God will provide and has.
2. I will try not to worry about my family because they are being taken care of by HIM.
3. I will try not to worry about my future because its in his hands and I can't control everything.
4. I will try not to worry about the paths my children take because I provided them with faith and a sound conscience of reason.
5. I will try not to worry about what other people think of me (see earlier blog) because I am loved and I don't need them haha.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Shopping, Fashion, Shoes, Style... err work in progress

I love shopping! It is an addiction! I believe in retail therapy but it isn't always theraputic when the money is gone and the credit card bill comes in the mail. I think it all started with shoes and purses. I used to work for a shoe company and be the female Al Bundy pretty much. I have bad feet so I can't always wear the Steve Madden's... So I fell in love with awesome boots of all types and tennis shoes. Tennis Shoes to me are like my comfort food. I can always go back to my New Balance Shoes or my worn out (need to be replaced) Margaritaville flip flops. The only two pairs of shoes I wear daily. I also love purses. I don't own too many though (In my opinion). I have my Army Combat Uniform Purse (I actually have two ACU bags lol) which people would be shocked if I left home without, I have my favorite book bag purse, and a bright pink hand bag Skylar bought me for my birthday a few years ago. I love Vera Bradley, Dooney and Burke... and all the expensive bags but I am more personal in my taste. If I am spending that kind of money I usually buy something that is custom or handmade. OOAK...
What I would like to dress like or what I would like to be able to afford are two different things. My body just rapidly changed after my third child. I don't think I can really get anymore "juniors" ... it may be illegal now that I am into my 30's. But some misses styles repulse me and my husband says I look old. I want to be relevant. Most days I am stuck in jeans and t-shirts when I would rather be in a suit, a frilly dress, or at least a nice blouse...
I am proud of my husband's career (and his oldest sons career) in the Army. I have lots of Army related and Patriotic T-shirts but there are days even with my wonderful ACU purse in tow I don't want to look like a walking recruitment billboard. I did get the Thank you for your Service and Sacrafice and Thank your husband blah blah blah or general questions about the Army Life. Which I can't speak much of since I haven't experienced what some have.
I think my children are more stylish than I am neverless because I don't get depressed when trying to buy clothes for them. I don't have to worry about hiding the love handles, making sure the top is long enough (ok I do for my 7 year old who is lanky), and that sort of thing. I just see a store full of cuteness at Gymboree and Childrens Place. At Kohls and such I see a store full of evil clothes that don't look right on me, don't fit into my budget... or I just feel lost and overwhelmed. I usually buy what's on the mannequin so I don't have to worry about does this go with that etc... Why don't I have that problem with my kids! I can make cute outfits for my kids. My 7 year old doesn't like sun dresses or tank tops... mom I can't show my pits she says. She has to wear Leggings under everything and or Bike shorts. Shorts can be too short on her (again she is lanky and modest).
So one summer like this one I would like to be able to go into my closet of Army T-shirts and Jeans and Grab out a nice top that isn't a t-shirt and my capri's put on my sandals and GO! I would feel much more femine. While breastfeeding this year your wardrobe is very limited more so than when your pregnant. It was very rough. Now a couple of pounds heavier with new curves and a new body its going to take some time to be comfortable, knowledgable and know how to bring out my inner fashionista!
A good girlfriend would be perfect way to start!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

childhood dreams

As a younger child I wanted to be a psychologist and even asked my youth Minster about going into ministry. With all my medical problems people thought for sure I would be a doctor of medicine. But I really wanted to be a child psychologist or therapist. As an older child I felt God called me toward being a veterinarian. I saw Mighty Joe Young (the newer version) and that's what I wanted to do. Then I lived on my grandfathers farm and he gave me three young calves to take care of. I mean three buckets of formula, three bottles and young black and white cows to tend to. They are AS demanding as a newborn. If one got hungry at Midnight he would moo at my window of my room. The bull named Midnight was the culprit. Then there was Oreo and Seven. I watched them grow to big cows too. Midnight was a sickly fellow as a young calf though. Since he missed the first precious days of having his mothers milk (Formula feeding mothers take note), he ended up getting an infection in his jaw. The vet and my mom had to hold him down while at the age of 18 I had to cut and drain the infection. It didn't scare me. Neither did the horse in the stall nearby who had gotten tangled up in electric fence of barbed wire. Poor guy was in a lot of pain. A mare nearby was also in heat which was driving him crazy. I have been fascinated by big animals and still am. My favorite animal is a dolphin but I couldn't bare for my hands to do a necropsy on one they are just too magical and majestic for human touch. So Marine biology was out. So I wanted to be a veterinarian for a zoo or for large animals, zoologist or a zoo keeper. Jack Hanna and Steve Irwin are my hero's!

Monday, August 2, 2010

I am

I Am lyrics

Relationships whether it be with a neighbor, lover, husband, friend, family member are always complicated. Either you feel defensive and put down because they use words that hurt. They may not mean it that way but ultimately its how it effects you isn't it? When you say something you have to remember its not always the content or way you say something but how it will effect the other person. It can be life or death too. You can save someone's life with a simple hello or you can send them over the edge of desperation.
I think we have all been in a relationship before where we had our walls up and we were always on the defensive trying to not get hurt and we usually end up hurt anyways. Then there are the polar opposites where we make ourselves vulnerable to a person. Sometimes we regret doing it, sometimes we get angry for being so open. Have you ever done that? Which way do you tend to lean? Is there a healthy and unhealthy way? Is there a happy medium or am I just that warped that I have to do everything extreme.
I pride myself on being bluntly honest. I will tell someone what I think of them but I have such bad insecurities when it comes to my female friendships I often hide my scars and my thoughts. But when it comes to my husband I can be quite brutal. I don't know why. I say I have a pretty tough exterior with a no bullshit tolerance. I am insecure at the same time about my blunt honesty because it does get me in trouble and hurt people. I never set out to hurt people with my thoughts and emotions. I also question the validity of my thoughts and emotions. Thats something I have to come to terms with because there are some parts of me that will never change.
I have ran a support group since my oldest was 6 months old that is almost 10 years in October. I used to tell people to be aware that there are thoughts and emotions on the otherside of their monitors because sometimes its so easy to let everything out at your own computer monitor because its an object not a person with emotion. Eventually someone is always going to read what you type.
Emotions make you very naked. It shows the bruises, scars, and raw core of yourself. Whether your comfortable or not exposing them you have to do it with someone eventually. Well I know myself personally even if I hide my scars I wish someone would touch my heart with a healing touch and take me all of me with the rawness and scars and all....
At least I know my heavenly father accepts 100% of me and my scars. He may not always like the rawness of me but he will accept me and love me for every bit of beauty I have.