We had a rough night last night. I immediately felt regretful for my actions. I did realize two causes of my actions are 1. my wounds that his decisions dealing with the family still are very open and real. 2. I am "damaged". Alot of what I do when it comes to Rick is a product of my abusive relationship of 5 years. Its no more fair to Rick to chew him out for scars from the previous as well as the other 27 years of my life and Borderline Personality Disorder... than it is for him to expect me to accept his decisions without my feelings in regard to staying in the Military and the priorities for this family. However I know alot of this drama is caused from both sides from not healing enough before getting involved with each other. So we have to not only face the challenges of marriage but challenges of working together a life of understanding that we both have a lot of repairs that need to be done. So yes you understand now that we have more challenges ahead than just the average marriage and as long as Rick and I can both accept the challenges of marriage (second ones at that), that we both come in some sort of damaged package, the military brings on its own challenges, as well as dealing with the chemistry of having a blended family and a new child together. I want to apologize to Rick but he isn't home from work yet. I am apologizing in my blog because I know he will read it at some point at least on Myspace.
Last night I started having braxton hicks for the first time in my life. A bit scary but after three pregnancies at least I know I wasn't in harm. They were painless just uncomfortable and more uncomfortable for the baby. I had to get the braxton hicks to calm down then I had to get the baby to go to sleep so I could finally drift off. That was for about 30 minutes before I woke up coughing so hard I didn't have a chance to catch a breath. I got about 4 hours of peaceful sleep till I woke up from another coughing fit. Again I coughed so hard I choked on a halls.. ha.
All morning the look on Rick's face last night has been playing in my head and shaking me to my core. A little piece of me died. I know I hurt him and I hurt myself. Everyone is frustrated at the situation. I am not alone at being angry at the situation. But you can't fight the military and you can't cry over spilled milk. You pick up you move on and you try not to repeat the mistakes that were made. I am just afraid that one day trying isn't going to be enough... thats how it was in the past.