Friday, June 6, 2008

Things I want to tell my children

First of all to Alexander and James. They are my boys. I may have only been in their life for 18 months but I care for them like I do my own kids. I carry the responsibility of making sure their needs are met. Yes they are adults but even adults need moms. I sure have in my life. I have heard so many times to count. James needs to be out on his own. You need to do this. You need to do that. But you know what? I know James. James and I have gotten pretty close partly because I am all he's got to lean on at times. James is far from being a social being so when it comes to his need for social interaction he does come chit chat with me. We can go for a ride in the car and out for dinner. He tries to treat me with respect and I treat him with the same respect and I am trying to give him the building blocks into adulthoood he is missing. If something happened to Rick I would be still left to clean up the pieces with James and Alex. I try to make sure Alex gets his care packages even though they are not as often as I like. I try and stay on top of them. I email Alex probably too much he probably finds me annoying and James probably thinks I am a royal bitch but they both realize I have good intentions. So as far as what I would tell the boys. James and I have already talked about it for the most part. The things I would tell them well I am not going to post in the blog because they do have the abilility to read it and its private but I guess ultimately. Alex and Jamesy. I am not your birth mother, adopted mother or anything like that. Nor am I trying to be. I care about you because you've both grown on me. I respect you for being the good men you are. I respect you even in your anger and frustration you still love your parents. I know how difficult it can be at times to understand why Dad is always nagging at you. I know how it is to be a teenager and just want to do things on your own without a parent lingering. HA! Alex what more do you want now your on the other side of the world? LOL Rick has no choice but to let you be and grow up. Alex and James are different where Alex wants to grow on his own, fall down on his own and pick himself up and learn on his own. James on the other hand needs coaxing and hand held to show him how to do things. BOTH are totally fine actually I like it that way for the most part. Alex and James.. I love and respect your dad and I will treat you with the same love and respect as he does Skylar. However I will say FAMILY. We are a family, not a broken home but a FAMILY and we will only choose to be as Blended as we want to be. Thats up to you boys for sure.

Your Gonna Be - Reba McIntire

To Mackenzie

Mackenzie... Hello Beautiful, Some of you may not know the whole story behind Mackenzie and where he is. I am not even sure he does. Mackenzie's father passed away in 2003 and since then I have always wanted to jot down my memories of him before they fade so one day his mom can share some good memories of his father. Also one day I will see him again and I will tell him about the mistakes i made and that I never stopped loving him. I never hurt him. I thought what I did was the best i could for him. Some of my decisions weren't the best but I think as parents we all have those bad moments where we don't make the wisest decision. So when Mackenzie is older I will tell him the truth and show him love. Thats all I can really offer him and thats all that prevails.

This song by Travis Tritt has always been my song to Mackenzie. After Adam and my marriage fell apart and then he died I promised Mackenzie so much and I couldn't hold on to my grip and I slipped. I fell down several times as matter of fact. I was steered down the wrong roads but never did I sink to the level of abandoning my son and not putting him first with Skylar.

Tritt Travis, Best Of Intentions Lyrics

Best Of Intentions - Travis Tritt

and Finally to the baby, My Princess now Five years old and getting ready to start Kindergarten. 

Skylar my Princess.

I wanted her to know we have also had our challenges that I was sick for the first few years of her life and I didn't get to truly enjoy her first mile stones. I had to work really hard from the time I found out I was pregnant and for a few years of her life. All I have ever wanted for her is the same thing I have worked very hard for stability, hope, faith, trust and love. I promised Adam I wouldn't give her up for adoption and I had times when I felt like I wasn't the best thing for her. At times I was very selfish living for her and waking up in my depression for her. I felt such guilt when she was born for ever being suicidial. I promised a friend that I would work through out Skylar's life to be like a best friend to her. I can say right now we are extremely close. I choose not to do things on my own because we are never without each other and I think that if its not a kid friendly enviroment more times than not I probably don't need to be there either. I think my place now is being the best and wife and mother I can be. I hope through the rest of Skylar's life she can be honest with Rick and I. I hope she knows I have tried to have strength and give her the best she deserves. I hope we remain close for a very long time

In My Daughters Eyes - Martina McBride

I am sure there will be... more to be continued.

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