Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Its that time of the Deployment

Well I have watched others go through it. Now I am at that stage of deployment where its wrapping up and little things seem to send me into a tail spin. I am sleeping less and less. I am bitchy... not that I haven't used the bitch card over the past 11 and half months. I still doubt the last months or weeks of deployment are harder than the first. At least for me. But I have yet to finish so we will see. Lately I am so moody and emotional. I cry over things that I haven't cried over in awhile. I have been feeling jealousy, abandonment, and fear. I have done so well with the abandonment feelings till now. I have expected them all along. I mean I am smart enough and my husband and I know neither of us are cheating and I just know him. So these feelings are superficial and not worth the blog their written on. I mean they mean crap and its just myself trying to trip me up.

James gave me an excuse today and it just set me off. I have overcome so much this past year. I have accomplished so many goals and I see him change slowly for the better but at the same time he is holding himself back and his fear is not getting any better. He's just holding on to his fears for dear life. I would have never gotten anywhere this year if I lived for my fear. I just want to have another yet another confrontation with him and say you see how I braved up and how much better my life is? What about you give it a try? I think my willpower is strong I have always thought so. When I put my mind to something I WILL do it. I am stubborn that way. I am built that way! I guess bottom line is like this. There is no I can't there is just you'd f**king BETTER!

As far as excuses go they are all bull crap. When I don't want to drive down town I don't give people my sob story about hitting a pole. I just say I don't like to drive down town and I won't. So if I am supposed to go down town for something I just say sorry I'm not doing it. End of story. As far as I am concered if your going to feed me your excuse you might as well just tell me your dog ate your homework and I will snap right back. You know its that time of the deployment where I am not taking anymore shit. I have to live through these last few months of this crap and If I have made it this far I expect it out of you too!

Expecting too much? Maybe but I don't care you better give me your all or just go sit in your corner and not bother me with your issues. I am not buying the crap your dishing out.

The bitch card just says this... Its that time of the deployment where I won't tolerate excuses, bull shit, or drama.Its that time of the deployment where I won't take your shit either. Its that time of the deployment where I will pull out the bitch card at random but i won't be a bitch to you if you haven't crossed me.

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