Tuesday, April 8, 2008

A Letter To Rick

I sent this letter to Rick in a Snoopy Card. It has yet to get there. I am getting anxious. Snoopy may have let the Red Baron sneak out and is exploring the world carrying my letter with him.

To my dearest Rick,

We spoke for a few hours just now. You went to bed a little late tonight due to trying to find that document; Even though you had to work I hardly noticed you were distracted. We had a really great conversation. You said "you know its hard to realize some times that I have you so fully in my life and that you fit me so well" What truer words spoken. Maybe we didn't have this when we got married but the more we are together even if separated by miles. The more I fall deeper under your spell, the walls of security are down. Love is... Giving someone the ability to break your heart but trusting them not to. Another wise quote. Its so me.

9 months ago I was so scared. I never thought I could do this. I was going to try and succeed. But you would tell me to be strong. For many years I have been told how strong I was but never saw the strength within myself in many ways. In many ways yes I think I am strong, I think I have a strong will power, I have a strong sense of self, and I know what I want without doubt. When you looked me in the eye and told me to be strong for you, I wanted to disappear. I didn't want to disappoint you. Over the past nine months I have learned what you meant. I have learned what I need to do. I never knew I could be the rock 100% of the time. I have never been in the shape to do so. Uniquely I have found that yes here at home I have to be the rock for Gentle James, and Skylar. One no more than the other. However I feel like with us its different. I don't Always have to be the rock now, as I thought. We give each other support as needed. I am your sunshine in your cloudy day as you are mine always.

I've been caught under your spell. You take me in deeper. Every breath of mine you steal, Every heart beat you occupy, with every haunting vision where I can almost feel you touch me, You hold me in your hands and I feel like I am safe. You calm my fears, my anxiety, my world slows down for the few minutes or hours. Just by your smile, just by your words. I am transported to a better world. Cloud 9 S.? As you consume me how can I not be yours? How can we not be soul mates with this depth of power you have over me. How can I not be moved and fall deeper in love with you? How could it get any better than this? Yet each day it does I fall deeper in love and you consume another piece of me.

I find strength in our love, our faith, and in us. That's what keeps me waiting. That's what keeps me going. Daily. All of this brings hope into my life, hope that had been lost and some what found. Now its not just found but deep inside me. With hope I can keep trusting. We know of each other's darknesses. Darkness in our souls. Darkness in which we were lost and both of us took many actions that are similar. One's we have learned from and know are faults. "Bring me to life" is a song

You love as well as I do. But there is so much sunshine on us now. So much light! We can see a future. Not a future of nothingness. A real future of hope.

You may be the attention whore but I need affection as well. I need to know I am wanted not just a wall decoration or a house keeper (lack there of in my case), A babysitter, a "warm body".... Ick! How am I supposed to cope when you give me everything and then take it away? *sigh* I don't like how that came out. The point I am trying to get across is that my body is so hungry just to hold your hand, kiss you, smell you, rub your head as you fall asleep in my arms, to hear you say I love you. You can't take away my everything when you ARE my everything. I love you baby.

439 days since you became mine

No Air for 251 days or 9 Months

Days left with no Air 194 days

12 paychecks!

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