Saturday, January 26, 2008

A Poem I wrote Mackenzie in 2001

My child looks at my hands
Amazement on his face
Admiring their strength.
What he doesn't know
What I don't show
Is Mother has weaknesses too.
I tremble inside Of what future holds
Mother thinks, "I am no so strong"

Friday, January 25, 2008

Maybe Baby Part Two

maybe baby part two
How long does can of formula last you? How much does a can cost you? How old is your formula feeding baby?
Skylar didn't eat baby food. How much baby food does your baby eat?
What about diapers? How many diapers does your baby go through and how much does it cost you for one package of diapers? How old is your baby?
What are some other costs?

Maybe baby?

Maybe Baby?
Rick and I are unsure about having a 5th child to our full house. So while in a discount book store I picked up Maybe Baby? I was thinking this book might help settle some questions in our heads about whether or not we wanted another child. Just reading through the introduction I have found that this book is and isn't what I thought it was. This book is mainly reflecting on the first born child on whether or not to procreate all together. Clearly we have both procreated twice just not together. Just in the forward and first chapter of the book it talks about people who would like to remain Childless by Choice, Childless due to the inability to have children by themselves, and those who have children by whatever decision they make. However I will keep reading the book in hopes I will find some peace that I am looking for and be able to maybe make a decision by the fall when he is home. I also plan on fully preparing him on the financial strain of having a baby. If by chance I cannot breast feed or if I can... I would buy the hospital grade pump and they are about $300, I've tried others' they don't work. If I cannot breast feed he needs to realize how much formula costs we wouldn't more than likely qualify for WIC. Then all the necessities babies need. Since I know we have the emotional part down of parenting one of our concerns is Financial, My physical limitations, His age, His retirement in the near future, the two older children, and also Mackenzie. Its been 19 years since he has had a baby under his wings. When the boys were babies he worked a lot, was in training, deployed... whatever the Army wanted him to. This time he could be here full-time and not miss anything. Props to the boys mother and grandmother for doing it mostly on their own as they were growing up.So one of the things to keep us busy during R&R are going window shopping and seeing how much everything is. Holding Molly my friends newborn, feeding Molly... a trial run of playing house. LOL We can't predict everything like where would the baby sleep (all though I have some idea's)
So this blog can be an open forum for ya'll.
I don't know many childless married couples by choice. But if your married and childless or unmarried and childless by choice. Leave a Comment and tell me why your childless by Choice

If your married or unmarried and unable to get pregnant. Tell me if you aren't going to seek further help in having a baby or would you be one of those childless by choice due to necessity of extraordinary measures. Leave a comment and tell me your story.

If you have children and remarried. Did you or did you not have children with your current spouse why and why not? If you are divorced. If you were to remarry would you consider having children with your future spouse? Leave a comment and tell me why.

For the parents. How did you know you wanted to be parents with your first born? How did you know you wanted the subsequent children after that? Leave me a comment and tell me why.

The book states "They said that people who choose not to have children (as opposted to those who desperately want to have children but can't) opposed to those who desperately want to have children but can't) tend to have better marriages, better fiances, less s tress, and are no more likely to be unhappy in old age than parents." The chapter touches on the way you loose intimacy with your mate because of the stress and exhaustion. I like my marriage where it is for the most part. Would adding another mouth to feed put a strain on my marriage I don't want to deal with? Or would it bring a new level of joy to my marriage? Another fear and reason for my indecisiveness. What do you think?

See where I am getting at? After reading this book and each chapter talks about the different decisions people make and why. As the front cover of the book says 28 writers tell the truth about skepticism, infertility, baby lust, childlessness, ambivalence, and how they made the biggest decision of their lives.

So write me and tell me how you made the biggest decisions of your life.

Um celebrity stuff

My old buddy from when I was a kid, Rhonda, Posted this on her blog. Its something Star Jones wrote. I have been screaming the same thing for days where my step son and my husband both think I am obsessed with Health Ledger. So what? I say with a coy smile. I did have a crush on him a time ago. He does resemble my first love as well. Which could have played a part in my crush on him. Please let us be mindful that celebrities are humans too. The children of celebrities don't pick their parents they didn't ask for a camera in their face 24/7

Since we learned of actor Heath Ledger's untimely death on Tuesday afternoon, the basic fact is that until additional tests have been conducted, the autopsy is incomplete and inconclusive as to why this 28-year-old man died. That's what we know.

Let's get to what we don't know: his death was a tragic accident, or something to the contrary. Until we know for sure, I think the media should just shut their mouths and stop all the speculation that's been running rampant.

This man has a two-year-old daughter. His family is going through the worst time in their lives. Their hearts are broken, they're numb, they can't understand what's going on right now. Michelle Williams is trying to figure out how to explain to their little girl that she will never see her daddy again. It's heartbreaking, tragic, and it's being used to fuel our never ceasing desire to eavesdrop on the lives of others.

Please let them grieve in privacy and dignity for a few days at least for goodness sake. As far as I'm aware, Heath Ledger never did anything but conduct himself in the most respectful and charismatic way. He gave us exactly what we asked of him -- good entertainment and our $12 worth when we sat our butts in the seats of a movie theater. He made his living in the entertainment business, but he purposely chose not to make his life that way. He was by all accounts a normal guy in every way, a regular dad who was often photographed walking down the streets of Manhattan or Brooklyn with his daugther, Matilda.

The scene outside his apartment on the night Ledger died made me sick to my stomach. People gawking and waiting around for a body bag to be removed. I have been at similar scenes in my work as an assistant district attorney. And let me tell you, if you don't have to be there, you wouldn't want to be. It's morbid. Someone who was loved is in that bag... and trust me it takes more than a minute to get used to that.

And when actress Michelle Williams and her daughter arrived home in Brooklyn, the scene was just as bad. Instead of being allowed to enter her home in privacy, she had to endure the flashbulbs of the paparazzi waiting to snap the money shot. How she explained that to her child through her grief is something I hope never to experience.

Might I suggest that we in the media, instead of reporting on the dead based on gossip, rumor, innuendo and anonymous sources, choose to honor this man's memory based on his talent and the good taste we all should be exercising. My heart goes out to the family of Heath Ledger.

I have more to write but doubt I can type it all out right now. My husband should be calling my name soon for we have R&R to do. I have watched a wonderful movie called August Rush. Are you open to it? Do you get how deep it is? I also watched Heartbreak Kid and Good Luck chuck sooo funny!

Be passionate through life

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passionate. When one is passionate there is a deep desire. A fire inside. And the will to

approach life's circumstances and challenges, In a real way both to yourself and others. To

explore your creative side, express yourself, In depth and knowledge. There is no need to

be quiet. There is no need to hold back. Run free and explore your life. With perseverance,

consistency, Always listening. The inner ability to strive on, to Proceed in power love and

a sound mind. Be willing, be able Strive on with passion, but let wisdom be your guard, Let

understanding build character in you, appreciate Beauty, sincerity, purity. Keep it close

never exchange it. For it is like hidden treasure waiting to Discovered.
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Any book worms?

I'd like to connect with you on Goodreads so we can see each other's books. Those Military I have a good reading list for ya'll check it out!

 If your not already signed up for Good Reads

Checkout my reading list on Goodreads - where you can see what your friends are reading.

 If your already on Goodreads.... here is my profile

Thursday, January 10, 2008


Sugarland Tour Dates     Sugarland Merchandise     Official Sugarland Website

I am coming to the realization that some people just don't understand the passion I have for my husband and the passion he has for me. Nor do I think this is blind passion that it will eventually end. I am most definately not in love with this deployment. The passion hasn't grown because he is gone although distance makes the heart grow fonder it also takes alot more effort to keep our passion alive. I see this type of passion in a close friend of mine who's husband is also over seas. Sometimes she will say something to me and I will agree or vice versa. It makes plenty of sense to us. We watch our favorite show Greys Anatomy (explanation for my absence from my online life) and we will laugh at how men are royal screw ups at times. They are famous for putting their foot in their mouth. Yet apparently they make better Presidents?

So I chose this video to blog with because its a song that has alot of meaning to me. Granted the song talks about an affair from the mistresses point of view. But to me its my words from my heart as I am the Mistress and the Army is his home, his life...

I am just a few days away from celebrating my first year of being a survivor... from the Army Life. So I have no idea how people like my sister survive this life for 20 years. I am sure there are some wives that have an intense passion for their husband still after 20 years. As well as I do realize it evolves to different levels. Some wives however loose their fire and passion. Maybe because they can't handle the seperations, long hours, and their husbands dedication to being part of the military. The ole quote if  the Army wanted you to have a wife they would issue you one. Should be included in something formal lol. Because its very true.

I do think this will be my one and only deployment. I do not think I could do so well on a second. Although I know if I lived through our first year of our marriage seperated we would make it through several more. MY love is strong enough, Passionate enough for my husband. I also can look back on any conflicts and say hey this stuff is nothing I made it through the deployment.

Perhaps I am counting my chickens before they hatched I still have 9 months to go.

Back to a Greys Reference... Addison told Derek look  your dating a 16 year old. I am so sure people think that to Rick... There is an age difference. But it makes no difference to us. So what if I am young. My body nor my maturity is. I have been widowed, left alone, abandoned. I am wiser than my age. I've gone through so much more than the average 40 year old has. One difference? I learn from my mistakes. I learn that cheating is never ok but you if it happens you work it out and stop doing it because its insane. I have learned how to keep the fire and passion as long as both of you are willing to work on it. It does take two to make a marriage work but perhaps at times its 70/30. Sometimes you work really hard at keeping it 50/50. Rick can't always be a rock although he never shows his weakness, I sense it. I know I am hardly ever a stone cold Rock but I am always supportive in my emotional distress. That is something else I have to learn. I am alot like Meredith in many ways from Greys Anatomy. However there are parts of me that still need to mature. I have alot to learn. At the point in your life where you no longer think you have something to learn then you loose everything you have ever learned. We all have different stages of life. At this stage, Rick and I are ready to do this. Ready to be a family, ready to be married, ready to take on the Army fully (with commitments and standards etc). Our dedication to all three is unwaivering. Give me hell for it? Go ahead! Who are you to judge us?

"Always be Yourself, Because the people that matter don't mind. Those who mind don't matter."

My husband and I still do old fashioned love letters. Poetry etc. We send emails, messages, and texts.

From Rick. " My Wife, My Life, My World"

From me. " I am conpletely in love with you and only you."

We love to take donuts down to the River and watch the sunrise, We love to just sit on the porch and hold hands, take steamy showers together, take drives and just laugh and kick back and enjoy our time together. Cuddling in bed with a book or a movie is just fine with us. I love the feeling I get when he touches my back as I work on the computer.

How often does strangers, family and friends say to you. You can see the love between you by the way you look at each other. Dammit we are Ooozing in love... People think we are going to fall on our asses. Somethings you just shouldn't question or doubt.

Recently I wrote him a letter about Why me? Yes my insecurity doesn't know how I fit in his world. But the soul tells me everything fits like ying and Yang. My soul and heart tell me Love isn't to be explained, questioned.

Two paragraphs from this letter

"Love isn't meant to be seen, understood, or found. You can search the 7 seas of the earth from one side to another even look in the stars and you cannot find love,  it finds you. For this I am certain. You ever think what made you find my blog two years ago? Random search maybe? Or do you believe what Kristin says in Kismet and fate? Sure it took some playing on our parts to find each other. An ingenious plan on my part that went terribly wrong. Or did it?


However all that said... I have often asked you to explain why. Why me? Why now? What do you love? We are from two separate worlds. I haven't seen yours except in my own way and you haven't lived mine. Just through our souls, each others souls. Can love be explained?"


All this randomness with this blog. I guess I shouldn't have neglected my blog so much.

This blog was supposed to be about this song "Stay" By Sugarland and the passion of my relationship and marriage with my husband. Well since I explained how I feel about the song it pretty much is self explanatory with my foot notes.