Sunday, September 30, 2007


I am not sure what a testimony is... I am not a reglious Holy Roller I guess. I don't pressure people about believing how I believe because I have met very few that do. I don't often talk about my relationship with God maybe because its personal and its private. I think maybe everyone has a different relationship with God. Its a very emotional thing. Thats like someone asking why you love your children or your husband. Could you really explain? I think your faith is the same way.
Anyways in a Mommy Support group the topic of religion got started. I tend to not get started in these but I felt I was called to speak up and this is what I wrote about WHY I believe what I believe. Why I have faith...
My first husband would damn God and Jesus. Everything was God's Fault, Jesus's fault, or MY fault. His Epilepsy, his pain, whatever. He told Mackenzie at 6 months old he was born and he would be raised to Kill Jesus Christ. That literally scared me so bad! I was called a traitor for wanting to read the bible and go to church.
Donnie who was raised catholic and still claims to be but also has atheist views. He would question me as other's have. How can you believe in something that has caused you so much pain? How can you believe in someone that has taken your children from you? How can you believe in someone who has done this? Kills precious babies. My answer?
Because I don't believe the higher being does this. I doubt I can explain to you why I believe in God or have faith blindly but isn't that what faith is? I doubt your going to have an ah ha moment from my explanation. But I have faith and I believe in God even though I too have lost the faith at points, I believe in it because its all I got! Its all that keeps me going, when I hit the rocks. I had faith it was for a reason... When your down to nothing God is up to something... I read on a church sign as I returned from one of my visitations with Mackenzie. That was an ah ha moment for me. I have to have faith that this is for a reason. I have to have faith that God is protecting Mackenzie since I am such a worthless mother I can't protect him myself. I have to have faith that I will see him again. When Skylar had to undergo the surgery in her mouth. I really struggled once again not with trust or faith but just how to give all my concerns to god. I turned to a few people and learned how. Now I am facing the battle again with Rick. I refuse to live my life any other way. Without my faith I have no strength. I love blindly. I believe blindly. I live blindly. If nothing I was taught truly exists and we just all become dust then so be it. At least my faith got me through another beautiful day.

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