Thursday, September 6, 2007

I have Borderline Personality Disorder

Its an as ugly word to me as Cancer. Because its a daily fight for me. No I don't use BPD as a crutch in my opinion. I don't use it as an excuse. For those who don't know BPD is the uncontrollable feeling of being abandoned. Like being sick I have perfectly fine days where it lays low. Then I have ok days where I am just blue and I wouldn't say I feel abandoned. Then I have the purely rotten days where it can be just too much to take. I have always had a unique way of thinking. I have a unique body as well. Yes I am weird I know it LOL. With my uniqueness, I know what's possibly happening in my head and usually I can talk to myself and be ok. If there is something in my daily life that happened. I say to myself Hey is that my BPD kickin in or is it fact. Sometimes I ask for a trusted person's opinion to make sure my thoughts are clouded. Some days BPD is apparent and a little worse where now I have started comparing myself to Meredith Grey on Grey's Anatomy. I can look back on my day and say wow I was having quite the Meredith day wasn't I? How this relates to the deployment? Well obviously you would assume you would feel somewhat abandoned. Rick & I spoke about this before he left. At the same point my best friend and I stopped talking. We are no longer friends and won't be. So I said to him Well shit this is really going to compound the situation. I have let every tear of mine hit her shoulder for at least 4 years. Rick is very good at understanding my situation. I am thankful for that because Donnie would often say the pain and the BPD was in my head. Even with doctor's diagnosis. Since Rick came home for the weekend and now he's back in MiTT training I am a bit more BPD I am feeling more loneliness and missing him so much more. I still think a psychologist might help but I haven't made the appointment. I guess I will grow and learn to talk my way through it. As I did all along...It has to get worse before it gets better...

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