Monday, August 13, 2007

Letting it Out

Sorry for me being MIA. I need to get more dilegent in my letter writing and blogging. After all thats the best record keeping I can do for myself and Rick right?

Well first let me update on the home front and abroad.

Rick ~ He's ok its really hurting being seperated. He can't focus on anything... he's really got plenty to do just no heart to do it. Over the 4 days weekend I think he was getting stir crazy. Very not used to being without a vehicle. Sounds like he is a bit depressed and very lonely. He doesn't talk to much about his feelings anymore. I have gotten three letters and a post card from him so far. I enjoy each one and read them several times. I made a private Yahoo Group to keep people updated and just to lend each other support and advice. Alot of civilians don't know what you can ship to our troops so I am turning it into a good resource as I am learning from it too.

Myself ~ Well I get the intense feeling to just lay in the floor and have my own type of temper tantrum. Sometimes its full of sadness sometimes its frustration. I can either get to a point of holding back tears so hard it hurts or get frustrated with dealing with the daily stresses of life that I scream. Not healthy! I've always been a believer in letting it out but in healthy ways. Crying is ok. Screaming is even ok if its pointed in the right direction at the right time. there is a time and a place for both. I try not to cry for Skylar's sake. Sometimes talking to Rick makes the day go by easier and calms me. At times I am in tears on the phone or when he is on Instant Messenger. I know it gets worse before it gets better. The only better is bringing him home. Once the contact goes for days at a time how am I supposed to cope then? Worries me.. Knowing he wants to hold me through the tears is more than what I need though. It gives me strength that he understands and he is hurting with me. Donnie never held me and never wanted to. That pain is still very real. As Forest Gump Says "That's All I Have to Say About That!!"

Alex ~ Silly boy going on 21 tomorrow and couldn't remember the # to call home or for that matter anyone. After numerous attempts by Rick, My sister in law, and I to reach him. Rick finally got a hold of him then as I did. I didn't speak to him long and let his brother talk to him since thats what's important. He will be graduating from AIT 11/8 but he doesn't know his orders as of right now.

James ~ How many people would have laughed when I told them James is a rock. Granted between him and I we have achieved very little and we still have a long distance to haul but he is standing so much stronger than WE thought he could. I have more faith in him now than I ever did.

Skylar ~ She is the root of my sanity and insanity LOL. She is the oxymoron. She keeps me sane by keeping me on my toes but yet her outbursts drive me crazy!! I am still teetering on putting her in Respite Care (Child Care for Waiting Wives *ME!*), haven't found a good time to call about dance schools and I really don't think I can afford it until I get fianances settled. I would like to not worry about money. I will achieve that on my current budget I know.

Fur Babies and our Feather Baby ~ They are like all the normal pets they keep things alive.

I often find myself escaping through music. Especially sad songs. As Rick says they wouldn't be so sad if they didn't have meaning or as he said in simpler terms. If you didn't care. I turn on Delilah my new obession, or listen to the music on myspace, or my blog or something else depending my mood and its just an outlet. It gets my emotions out without it hurting so much. I can just cry and let them say the words I need people to hear.

There is the song by Kelly Clarkson "Hear Me"... Its relievant to some feelings of this deployment. The first time it effected me I was cooking in the kitchen with my head phones on and I just lost it. That was before the deployment. By then the fear had already set in.

The Song goes "I used to be scared of Letting someone in But it gets so lonely Being on my own No one to talk to And no one to hold me I'm not always strong" Those Lyrics are so true and now I am afraid to let him go. I won't bore you with my emotions and disecting the song out here in the open maybe in a more private blog or another public one. But I just want to talk a minute it won't cost you anything. As long as my interuptions keep doing their job I probably won't say everything on my mind. Sucks!

Oh well lets get to the nitty gritty! Army Wives another pretty good stinger of a show. to be continued....

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