Friday, August 31, 2007


Divorce hurts yall. Don't do it! Unless you can honestly outweight the safety and security of you or your kids then its just a crock of $$$$! I would like to survey all of my divorced friends and ask them was it the honest to God best thing in their lives. I know looking back at my first husband and I...I wished things would have been differently. It wouldn't change anything that I feel for Rick. It wouldn't have changed Adam's fate either. I just wished I would have handled things differently. Yes my marriage would have probably ended the same way since Mackenzie & I were abused and neglected. But all Adam needed was help. All I needed was to handle things more maturely. That way I know in my conscience that I did my part. That I did what was right. You make marriage vows for a reason for better or worse till death do you part. I am serious guys! In the short term you think. I can't just work this out. I can't get through this. But I think in the long term you look back and say did I handle it the way I vowed too?
Anyways my prayers are with those who've gotten a divorce whether there is regret or not. My prayers are with those who are going through a divorce that there is healing in your future. I know I have an interesting outlook on things due to the things I have seen..

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Passed along from Craigslist :)

F#%k you CHORES
Date: 2007-07-05, 7:10PM EDTFuck you, cleaning the fridge. How the hell do you get so dirty? I don't eat in there, I simply store food. What the fuck is that stain on the bottom shelf? Do gnomes have parties in here when I'm at work or something? Nasty little gnomes. And, for some reason, I feel really, really vulnerable when I'm bent over, scrubbing your gross shelves. Don't know why. So thank you for keeping my beer cold, but fuck you for making a mess of it. Fuck you, paying bills. Every fucking month? Are you kidding me? I barely even watched TV this month, I still gotta shell out all that cash? And, while I'm at it, fuck your pathetic little late fees. They're small enough for me to easily ignore them but they add up over time. So thank you for the electricity, water and internet, but fuck you for your constant demands. Fuck you, deleting old files from my computer. What man can make this decision? It's like choosing which of my kids to leave behind on the sinking ship. Fuck, this is killing me. I hate my old ass computer. Fuck you, changing light bulbs. It's 2006, right? I was pissed when I wasn't issued a jetpack in 2000 (where's my fucking raygun?!?), but I figured by now technology would've at least advanced to the point where I don't have to stand on my wobbly chair and deal with this crap. Two bonus fuck yous: for scaring the crap out of me when I walk into a darkened room, innocently flick the switch and get momentarily blinded by that huge flash and terrifying pop! Also, for somehow convincing your lightbulb brethren to join you, causing a chain reaction that means I'm filled with fear whenever I turn on a light. Pop! Pop! Pop! What, did you all join in a suicide pact while I was asleep? Bastards. Fuck you, washing dishes. Yes, I know, you smell funny, and I know the longer I wait, the more weird slime stuff is just gonna accumulate on you. That's why I've pretty much switched to just using paper plates (fuck you, environment) and eating with my hands. I'm a caveman in an apartment. Finally, fuck you, writing this rant

Our Horoscopes

Horoscopes for Thursday,
August 30, 2007
AriesA friend's feelings are fragile right now, so if they are very enthusiastic about a new plan that you just don't understand, try to give them the encouragement they're seeking. You shouldn't be false about your feelings, but you should be mindful of the fact that one small, supportive comment from you could mean the world to them. They might fail at this new endeavor, but at least they felt confident enough to try -- and you helped them feel that confidence.

March 21 - April 19
You need to stop worrying about what other people are thinking (if that's an issue), and just get started on the next big thing. You might have to enlist the aid of a few extra friends and allies.

Is there such a thing as having too much security in your life? Well, a little bit more risk certainly couldn't hurt -- in fact, it will perk you up and help you see how rich the world around you is. Evaluate a few more ways you can add an unpredictable element to living today, and remember that starting a new relationship is often the riskiest thing a person can do. Being open with your emotions is definitely a risk. Are you ready to take the leap?

December 22 - January 19
No matter how dire the situation may seem, you just need to keep pushing. Fortunately, that's something you're quite good at -- perseverance might as well be your middle name! Someone close may need encouragement, too.
Oh boy am I fired up!!
My water heater has been out for over a day and they won't give me a date and time they can come fix it! Watch out they are going to have a very pissed off soldier if he comes home for R&R and can't take his bubble bath!
James I TOLD Him and TOLD him. That he needs to start helping me clean more. He's a lazy SOB. We have no hot water yet he puts dishes in the dish washer and puts the regular dishwater soap in the freaking machine so what does he do. Grab all the towels out of MY bathroom CLEAN towels and puts them on the kitchen floor (this was last night) The floor is still soaked and my towels are still on it! He's been up all night which means he will be asleep all day. Which means I wont' be able to run errands and go shopping (((((I gotta wait on Maintence (why does spell checker not like this word!!) ))) His area of the living room is messy and sloppy. I have no problem cleaning my room, Skylar's room, and the kitchen and dining room. I cleaned my bathroom yesterday. So WHY can't he do something simple like dishes and the living room ...although he needs to take responsibility for a lot more. He's gonna do one load of dishes and say f it I did my house work! I think not. I think evil step mommy just raised his freaking rent! He will start paying for maid service! AND loose his ride to work. His father comes home any day and he better watch out!


These wives can be great but when it boils down to it. They aren't me, and their husband isn't mine. I am going through something a bit different


My Water heater has been out for over a day. No hot water. I am waiting for housing to come fix it. It would be nice to be able to keep myself busy with a bath, and cleaning LOL

Quote From Susan's Daily Dose

The 4 hardest tasks on earth are neither
physical or intellectual feats.
They are spiritual ones and
they are:
To return love for hate.
To include the excluded.
To forgive without apology.
To be able to say, I'm sorry
and I was wrong.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Yes I am Okay!

Yes I am Okay, Yes I am fine.
No I am not okay with you being so far away from me.
No I am not okay with you missing our first Christmas together.
No I am not okay with you missing our first Anniversary us being apart.
Yes I am Okay, Yes I am FINE!
No I am not okay, looking at pictures of you holding me,
Tears flowing. Chills over come me without your presence.
No I am not okay with the fact that soon I know your touch will become a memory.
Yes I am Okay, Yes I am FINE!
No I am not okay with the fact that your smell will no longer exist.
No I am not okay that 400 days of our lives will pass before we can say its over.
No I am not okay that I have all these worries and questions.
Yes I am Okay, Yes I am FINE!
But maybe I will never be the same...

A Day (or Two) Late a Dollar Short

What a busy weekend I had! Saturday I went to The Bean's 6 year old Birthday Party. Twin Girls that are so sweet! The party was held in their backyard. They had a canopy set up, two pools, a sprinkler and lots of toys for all 20 or so kids and the parents! Ohmigosh it got so hot I was physically sick the rest of the day! It was so wet and muddy from the kids too! But it was a great party and Linda is an awesome hostess :) I just needed the rest of the day to recover.
Sunday evening was my friend's kids party. I didn't know this but she got some bad news before the party. We were eating cake on the floor with the kids and she had tears in her eyes. So we spoke but I just figured she was frustrated. Her and I are alot alike when it comes to how our emotions come out and dealt with. I stepped outside to speak with another friend and she told me the story. I was devastated for her! I spent the next two hours trying to comfort her and be there for her when it was just she shouldn't have to put up a happy face for her kids party. This shouldn't have happened at all (perhaps meant to be though?) Never less I wanted to show a certain SOB who EOD stands for LOL. I come home and text Rick "I'm home" Normally expecting him to call me but he just responded with Hooah! I responded to that with Depressing. I had already spoken to him at the party over the phone about recent events that I had discovered... I got on the computer, watched Rock of love, I was chatting on Yahoo Messenger and I was getting pissed the more I sat on my frustration with Rick being the Typical Male, the more I got pissed. I decided well he's going to call once Army Wives starts and I am not going to speak to him. By this point I was way more emotional than when I left the party. Army Wives starts and who knows their husband (ME!) he calls. I said Army Wives is on... He said ok I will call back at 10. 30 minutes into the show Roxy (my character), Pamela, and Denise's husbands are deployed. I start to feel like my heart stops beating, I can't catch a breath, I am hyperventilating, paralyzed. A very scary feeling. This is all happening as Skylar sleeps soundly beside me. I am shocked I didn't wake her and afraid I would. 10 came so I called him. Amazing he didn't answer his phone.. He always calls me back when he can when he is free of people around him or whatever he is worried about. I'm still pretty upset and still trying to catch my breath. Needless to say he didn't help a whole lot LMAO. I had what I call a stress headache that feels alot like a hangover.
Last night we had this conversation about why I was pissy for two hours on Sunday Night
Me: So I still would like to know where you were the two hours you were MIA? I got home at 7 told you I was home and you didn't call till 9.
Him: I was probably on the computer waiting for you.
Me: I was on the computer what else would I do when I walk in the door (ok a little bit of a bad confession there just ignore it and move on LOL) You were talking to that girl from yahoo weren't you? (Indeed I do not know if it was over messenger or on the phone)
Him: No I was waiting for you (translation he was either engrossed in a game or talking to the girl)
Me: That's my story and I am sticking to it. Then I said something like I know you were thinking like a male and alot of times males don't think with the half a brain god gave them
Him: Its Scientific fact we need blood to go to two of our heads and usually its just goes south (some crazy bs like that) LOL
Me: Well if that becomes and issue I can be sure to eliminate that head down south.
Him: Hm well on that note I am going to bed
Me: Fine I will tease you by text message every 15 minutes until I go to bed.

What Do You Let Go?

My Neighbor Leah posts on Xanga. She posted this on her blog. I've been asked myself how do you manage your time between the Mommy Support groups, Emails, Children, Friends and your blogging.. So I want to know from you
Oh and heres Leah's Xanga

Ok, ladies. Let it spill. I want the truth. What things in your house do you let slide in the name of sanity? I really need to know! You all know that I have self-diagnosed OCD. I can make a mess and let the kids make a mess, but when the activity is over, IT MUST BE PICKED UP IMMEDIATELY! I just have to have my house in order. It's my zen garden. My haven. If my magazines aren't stacked right, or my coffee table isn't cleared of clutter I can't leave the house! Seriously! Rooms have to be picked up, beds made, floor clear, dishes done and put away....things "just so!" But I know something needs to give because I'm not making it anywhere on time these days and I feel like I can't stay on top of it all like I used to! I just don't know what I can let go! My beds HAVE to be made. When I see smears on the mirror, I can't walk by it, I clean it. If there is hair on the bathroom floor, I swiffer it. Dishes HAVE to be done, right!? What do normal people let slide? Is it normal to leave wet clothes in the wash? Does an unvacuummed floor not bother you? Do you leave stuff on your kitchen counter to do later? Do tell.

Monday, August 27, 2007

"Those Who Touch Our Lives"

"Those Who Touch Our Lives"Every special person who touches our life leaves their own unique mark On our heart; a mark which can never be chiseled away even if the years Eventually pull us apart.We can take on their expressions and such the more we share of ourselves Together. It's those little things about another person that can remain A part in us forever.People who we have met throughout our life become a part of the person Who we are today. We learn and we grow from the relationships each one Touching us, in it's own special way. We laugh about spending too much Time together when we think we have become like each other. But it just Shows how much we've been touched by the relationship we have found with Another.Those special people who can touch our lives are like precious jewels Amongst life's treasure. They shine on us and leave a lasting Impression, a unique mark on our heart, a gift without measures.Author Unknown

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Bella's Tid Bits

I sure did get out of the habit of doing these weekly/daily updates. I will get it going again.

update on mommy ~ I think overall I have been good for the past month and several days of not seeing my husband. What can you do though? Its so much easier to just shut down and cry and scream and not breathe... No its easier just to breathe and push and make it through your day. As far as how I am dealing with the home front. Well I keep, I try, to keep track of Skylar's activities she should start creative dance the first of the month. James taking him and picking him up from work. He really doesn't care to get out too often. I am still around my battle buddies a lot sometimes I just stop by to sit and chat and smoke a bit. A different face yanno. Did you see our picture on my private myspace profile? I've gotten lazy when writing Rick I am a bit ashamed. But hopefully I will find the patience to pick it up again. Butch came to visit with his son Bill. Bill and James got along AWESOME they are like two pea's in a pod. Except Bill has had several girlfriends and is a phone addict like most teens. One of my really great friend's is being faced with something devastating and I am trying to gather the strength to comfort her through this. I have been emotional since I got the news. I am even pissy with Rick. I had my second anxiety attack today. Second in my life that is... So I am guessing I will have 13 months full of anxiety attacks to look forward to.
Update on the kids~ Alex I assume had a great birthday wrote us all an email. using his fluent German LOL, and telling us he got so shitfaced he doesn't know if he got married and doesn't know who she is or got elected for office. He was joking of course. James. James has been working quite a bit. Last week when I had my disasters at home he had bought a computer game but didn't have the right hardware on his computer to play it so then he ordered a video card and paid extra to have it overnight ed. It was supposed to arrive the day the table broke, I drowned my phone, etc... But it didn't. He called in sick. Then he felt guilty for calling in sick but in all honesty our day was a mess between everything that happened that day. I took him to the doctor the next day and he had elevated blood pressure, pulse rate and temp. Idk why? I was like boy your NINETEEN! I have had more medical history than most people I know and I haven't had high blood pressure except when I was on birth control... Are you on Birth control? LOL He blamed it on Skylar. Mackenzie I guess my earth angel is starting school again he's in what the second grade now? Geez! Skylar She's alright she's been a little out of control lately with the bugging mommy thing. She woke me up this morning poking at my eyes @@. She of course really enjoyed having Butch around for the evening and a few hours the next day he was here. update on my hubsand ~ He's miserable bored on the weekends and working till late late hours during the week well over 12 hours poor baby. Our loneliness is getting worse and we are getting a bit more annoyed. I will see him in less than a week though HOOAH!
How was your Week? Not much in the way of interesting I guess. I went to Playgroup, Butch came for a visit, I had a birthday party yesterday for my friend Linda's two girls. I have a birthday party today for my friend Ashley's two kids so a busy exhausting weekend. I am broke!

Hear Me

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Romance Begins

Its my pleasure to introduce you too...

These are my Ladies. Ashley and Jess. This picture was taken in Horse Cave, Kentucky where we picked up Jess' cousin. These two are there for me when I need to laugh, I need to cry, I need to get pissed, or I just need a break. Sometimes we are just together long enough for a cigarette sometimes we hang out all the time. Jess is the level headed colorful smart lady in my life who gives me logical advice. Ashley beats to her own drum when I get pissed we usually agree and laugh about it. What a great friendship the Army has given us!! Battle Buddies ladies!!

Overboard by Ingrid Michaelson

I could write my name by the age of threeand I don't need anyone to cut my meat for me.I'm a big girl now, see my big girl shoes.It'll take more than just a breeze to make meFall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.Fall overboard just so you can catch me.But as strong as I seem to think I am my distressing damsel,She comes out at night when the moon's filled up and your eyes arebright, then I think I simply aught toFall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.Fall overboard just so you can catch me.You can catch me.I watch the ships go sailing byI play the girl will you play the guy.And I never thought I'd be the typeto fall, to fall, to fall, to fall to fall.To fall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.Fall overboard just so you can catch me.You can catch me, you can catch me, you can catch-I watch the ships go sailing by I be your girl will you be my guy.And I never thought I'd be the type to fall, to fall.To fall, to fall, to fall...To fall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.Fall overboard just so you can catch me.You can catch me, you can catch me.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Something to Enjoy

This ebay auction right here got passed on to me by one of my mommy groups. You must read the description! Can you believe the price? Thats awesome for her! Continue down the page and read her comments and comments from others. I only got through the first page I can't wait to read the rest. Her Blog is on my Blog Roll if you want to check it out

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

The Beauty of God's Blessings - August 21

Rejections are like speed bumps on the road. They come with the journey. . . . You can't keep people from rejecting you. But you can keep rejections from enraging you. How? By letting God's acceptance compensate for their rejection.
When others reject you, let God accept you. He is not frowning. He is not mad. He sings over you. Take a long drink from His limitless love.

~~Max Lucado
A Love Worth Giving

God is my salvation and
My glory; the rock of my strength.
Psalm 62:7

Thought of the Day

Good people are good because they've come to wisdom through failure. We get very little wisdom from success, you know.~~William Saroyan
This is so true. I said the same thing myself in different words not 3 months ago!


I try to get a bath this morning but my phone is ringing off the hook.
I go to playgroup its a pretty nice time. As much as playgroup can be with those women I don't like. There are three there that are ok though.
I come home and stop by my friend Jess' house I know she's gotta go to the gym but we sit around and smoke and talk a bit. I pull in the drive way and James goes I hope your not home yet but the table in the back yard shattered. What do I put the glass in. I said well in the garage there is an empty box. I go in the house and find the brooms and dust pans. I tell Skylar who is soaking wet from swimming at Jess' to go and get a bath and my phone drops in the toilet. I dig it out frantically since that's my life line to Rick. Its pretty much my life line period. Well it still is on good sign. Oh wait it says battery is dead and I know it isn't. So I put it on the charger and go outside and help James clean up most of the glass from the table. I go inside and my phone is off its not charging. It will let you turn it on and then it dies again. I am in tears. I pay Sprint $65 to send me a new one. Correct that a used phone!! When I got my phone for free @@. Insurance doesn't cover water damage. Why didn't I just run over the sob! The Sprint people were hard enough to deal with. I text Rick through AIM and tell him. He doesn't get them but he calls the house wondering why I'm not answering my cell so I go through the whole god blessed story again. I run some bath water and sit down and the power goes out. So I throw on a night gown and tell James the power is out. My friend across post calls me and asks me if my power is out. I ask her if she can call housing and find out. Well then I get back in the tub and shave and I am like everyone can go to hell I will shave in the dark! I get out of the tub and get dried off the power comes back on, My AOL then proceeds to need to restore a file so I fix it and its STILL not working right and my net took forever to reset too! PS if you are the owner of one of the groups I am in... I have lost tons of mail so any DND's need to be resent to me please... So Tell me about your bad day?

Saturday, August 18, 2007


Crushing skies of youth unknown
whispering similes to seeds unsown
hungry flesh-ed aching bones
pillows melt to thoughts her own

Un-imagined life unlived
aching hearts for thoughts misgived
drinking drops of dreams not lived
leaving givers gift un-gived

Exit signing moving scout
foolish man-ed round about
strings on heart tied tight and tout
nothing left so move him out


~The one thing that you should never live with are regrets~Take your mistakes as lessons learned, but dont dwell upon things that you obviously cant change~Instead just make do withs whats in front of you now, and whats ahead of you ~Remember that your past is your past and its always going to be there, but its always going to be behind you too~The point behind this blog is to let everyone know...yea ive fucked up and done some dumb shit, but who hasnt~And the great thing is that I wouldnt take anything in my past back bc everything that I did was exactly what I wanted at that moment in time and made me happy if even for just a minute~Knowing all this has made me into the person that I am today and I love myself :-)~So keep that in mind the next time you think its cool to talk shit about me or something I did, bc guess what...I dont give a fuck what you or anyone else for that matter thinks of me!~I am my own person, I make mistakes, but unlike you I learn from them and move on!!~This message is for everyone out there who has ever talked shit about me or something that I did (which was none of their fucking business anyways) and decided that I was a horrible person,slut,bitch, or whatever other conclusions they came up with about me ~And one last thing....FUCK YOU bc as far as I can see you a bitch to the weakest link...GOODBYE

New Orleans homeless profess little hope

New Orleans homeless profess little hope<~~ Read the Article.

This article is about the Katrina victims. This article makes me sick that we live in the type of country we do. That the FEMA people threw away tons of GOOD food. They have tons of empty FEMA trailers yet these people are dying out there.

That article makes me sick! I know someone that lives right outside of New Orleans and she says oh everything is back to normal here. Yet I know the condition the 9th ward was left in like a giant landfill. Even the citizens of New Orleans have forgotten their own. That mayor I have no idea how that moron got reelected. Its sad after 9-11 we all came together as a nation and helped one another. Then the Tsunami hit a half a world a way and what did we do rush to help! But if one hits our own country we abandon the people? I cried and cried during the American Idol special on this. I really think these people not only in New Orleans but Mississippi is virtually a forgotten place too. There is still so much destruction. We have third world countries in a country as rich and powerful as this is. Its just damn sad

Honorary Battle Buddy

Battle Buddy

(person) by mightybearseven (3.1 y) (print) ? Fri Jul 02 2004 at 13:17:09

One aspect of my training in the US Army basic combat training was the Battle Buddy system: you were paired with another person, usually in your squad, and at no times as a pair would you lack accountability of one another. In subsequent training in AIT (Advanced Individual Training), this system became far more important, due to the additional freedom and privileges that were provided in AIT (and more importantly, the policy to aid a whistle-blower to report illegal activities). Who your battle buddy was became a huge issue, due to the fact that you essentially lived with this person, and had no choice but to spend a large portion of your day with them. If you didn't get along with your assigned companion, you were for the most part S.O.L., and in the worst case scenario, you could grudgingly ask the Drill Sergeant to assign you a new one. In my case, I became extremely good friends with my Battle Buddy, and I found the entire experience to be quite rewarding.

'Battle', during basic combat training, was often used as an affectionate name for drill sergeants to refer to one another as, especially one particular situation: Our training company had completed training on firing tracer rounds down range, and we turned the dry, windy and painfully cold range into a half mile wide brush fire with the help of approximately eighteen hundred 60 gram brightly burning chunks of magnesium that we eagerly blasted across the landscape. The firing range sergeants were extremely displeased by this whole event, and made that clear to the drill sergeants. One thing led to another, and one of the unfortunate range sergeants insulted a drill sergeant. Immediately, retaliatory remarks were returned in the form of hissed insults over the field radio. "That bastard just shoved my battle!", the drill sergeants launched their own assault on the firing control tower, all of them eagerly homing in and doing what drill sergeants do best: be loud and intimidating. This didn't help our situation as 'dumb privates' at all, and we still ended up standing out in the cold for three hours after we had ceased firing. I will probably never forget how beautiful those flames looked, making perfect rings of dancing fire and leaving a circle of ash out in the flat field, nor will I forget the display of camaraderie among those drill sergeants even out of the battle field.

I call Jess my Honorary Battle Buddy. She's my friend here on post and we are there for each other to lean on and if we need anything to not be afraid to ask. The other day Jess had to take her father in law to the Emergency room so I watched her 4 year old for her. Her husband isn't deployed but she has been through a seperation to Korea and then from Korea he went straight to Iraq. She PCS'd Alone and she is a brave brave woman! I probably wouldn't do it on my own I know that LOL. So sometimes she has to kick me in my ass to get me to act right and we promise to try and keep each other out of "trouble" She's been really good at feeding me and I try to help her in anyway possible. I am thankful for my battle buddy...
This morning my battle buddy found a black widow and called upon me... Of course I didn't go to her rescue! But I did make a call for her... LOL I hope she gets the evil thing taken care of :)

If I say I didn't understand now I understand better

Whoa this is good!



Mystery Marine Poet Revealed,2933,293615,00.html

The mystery Marine who touched the hearts of hundreds of thousands with his YouTube patriotic poem has come forward.

He is 30-year-old Marine Staff Sgt. Lawrence E. Dean II, stationed at the Cherry Point base in North Carolina. The Conway, S.C., native writes and performs rap-style poetry using the stage name "Life." And he is known all over North Carolina, where he is an inspiration to countless friends and strangers alike.

When the YouTube video of Dean reciting the poem he wrote about defending America's freedom garnered close to 400,000 views in just two days earlier this week, he decided to reveal his identity and speak to

"It almost leaves you speechless," he said on Wednesday of the reaction to his poetry. "Just to see it affected that many people — if it made that many people think, it was worth every bit of that three minutes. It wasn't about me solely. It pretty much said what we live. It's touching people the way I intended it to."

Dean, who works on aviation electronics for the Marines, has never served in Afghanistan or Iraq, though he said he'd go "this second" if asked. But the poem he wrote — which begins, "And she called …" — isn’t about the experience of fighting a war. It's about what the armed forces do.

"It's about the military service and the reason we do things," he explained. "We just defend the country, no questions asked. As a family, we do it. The poem was just utmost admiration and respect for the individuals that are there. ... They've answered the country's call."

He was compelled to write the poem about two-and-a-half years ago, he said, when his grandmother asked him one day what would make him go to war.

"The answer I can give is just, 'Because she called,'" said Dean, referring to America. "That was the best answer I could give that day."

But he was also deeply affected by a visit to Ground Zero, where the Twin Towers once stood in lower Manhattan and where all that's left is a vast, gaping pit. In his poem, he refers to "911 distress signal" the United States sent from the World Trade Center site on Sept. 11, 2001.

"TV doesn't do it any justice," he said. "It came about from being there and seeing the magnitude. It wasn't your front yard or your school or where your parents came from. When you see Ground Zero, you realize these are actual people. This could have been your neighborhood."

The Marine Corps, where Dean has built his career for the past 12 years, has been amazed at the response to the poetry reading of one of their own.

"All the Marines I know who have seen the video have been very impressed by it," said Mike Barton, the deputy director of Cherry Point's joint public affairs office. "We're waiting to see what happens next."

The video that ultimately wound up on YouTube was shot spontaneously about a year ago, when a young Marine whose room Dean was inspecting asked him to recite his poem on camera so that he could send it to his family to explain why he was going off to war.

Dean never intended for it to be posted on the Internet — and isn't sure who first put the clip up last year (the user's screen name is studman20673), though he guesses it was the young Marine who filmed him. He didn't even know the video had been on YouTube until he read about it on

The clip was picked up by Birmingham, Ala., resident Matthew Denton, who put it on his own YouTube page. Denton was so inspired by Dean's poem that he did what he could to track him down — with no luck, until Tuesday, when the two finally had the chance to speak on the phone.

Poetry and music have been Dean's passions for years.

"That's what I do when I'm not at work," he said.

And many have been moved to tears by the words Dean wrote that day his grandmother challenged him to explain why he serves his country.

"She called," Dean says in the videotaped poem as he stands before a U.S. Marine Corps crest hanging on the barracks wall. "From the bowels of Ground Zero/she sent this 911 distress signal/because she was in desperate need of a hero/and didn’t have time to decipher what to call 'em/so she called 'em all her children/and said, 'I am America, and I’m calling on the land of the free.'/So they answered ... /You see, someone attempted to choke the voice/of the one who gave us the right for choice/and now she was callin'./And somebody had to answer./Who was going to answer?/So they did."

But it's not only through his writing that Dean — who has an 8-year-old daughter — manages to make an impact on people. It's in his everyday life, according to those who know him.

"Everybody loves him," said one of his close friends in the Marines, who asked not to be identified. "He has got to be the most motivated and inspirational person I have ever met in my life. He speaks from the heart."

As for the response to his poem, well, Dean is uncharacteristically at a loss for words to describe it.

"How do you explain the unexplainable?" he said. "It's a blessing. A lot of people that have to answer that call appreciate it. That's bigger than me."

BAD ASS MARINE words and lyrics

She called...

Blacks, Whites...wait
African Americans and Caucasians, Asians, excuse me.
Vietnamese, Philipenes, Koreans and Jamaicans or
Haitans, waitin' Hispanics y'all.

Please be paitent
Mexican, Puerto Ricans, Venezualean, Cuban, Dominican, Panamanian Democrats
I beg your pardon, you partied with the late, great Reagan?
Republican, Independent, Christian, Catholic,
Methodist, Baptist, 7th Day Adventist, 5 Percenters,
Hindu, Sunii Muslim, Brothers and Sisters who never seen the New York city
skyline when the twin towers still existed.
But still She called.

From the bowels of Ground Zero she sent this 911 distress signal.
Because She was in desperate need of a hero,
and didn't have time to decipher what to call 'em,
so she called 'em all Her children.
The children of the stars and bars who needed to know nothing more than the fact that she called.
The fact that someone attempted to harm us
this daughter who covered us all with her loving arms.
And now these arms are sprawled across New York City streets.
A smoke filled lung, a silt covered faced,
and a solitary tear poured out of her cheek.
Her singed garments carpets Pennsylvania Avenue and the Pentagon was under her feet.
As she began to talk, she began to cough up small particles of debris
and said, "I am America, and I'm calling on the land of the free."
So they answered.

All personal differences set to the side
because right now there was no time to decide which state building the Confederate flag should fly over,
and which trimester the embryo is considered alive,
or on our monetary units, and which God we should confide.
You see, someone attempted to choke the voice
of the one who gave us the right for choice,
and now she was callin.
And somebody had to answer.
Who was going to answer?

So they did.
Stern faces and chisled chins.
Devoted women and disciplined men,
who rose from the ashes like a pheonix
and said "don't worry, we'll stand in your defense."
They tightened up their bootlaces
and said goodbye to loved ones, family and friends.
They tried to bombard them with the "hold on", "wait-a-minute's", and "what-if's".
And "Daddy, where you goin?".
And, "Mommy, why you leavin?".
And they merely kissed them on their foreheads and said "Don't worry, I have my reasons.
You see, to this country I pledged my allegience
to defend it against all enemies foreign and domestic.
So as long as I'm breathin, I'll run though hell-fire,
meet the enemy on the front lines,
look him directly in his face,
stare directly in his eyes and scream,

And if by chance death is my fate,
pin my medals upon my chest,
and throw Old Glory on my grave.
But, don't y'all cry for me.
You see, my Father's prepared a place.
I'll be a part of his Holy army standing a watch at the Pearly Gates.
Because freedom was never free.
POW's, and fallen soldiers
all paid the ultimate sacrifice
along side veterans who put themselves in harms way.
Risking their lives and limbs just to hold up democracy's weight,
but still standing on them broken appendages anytime the National Anthem was played.
You see, these were the brave warriors that gave me the right
to say that I'm Black. Or white.


African American or Caucasian,
I'm Asian, excuse me.
I'm Vietnamese, Philipene, Korean, or Jamaican.
I'm Haitan, Hispanic

Y'all, Please be paitent.
I'm Mexican, Puerto Rican, Venezualean, Cuban,
Dominican, Panamanian, Democrat
I beg your pardon, you see I partied with the late, great Reagan.
I'm Republican, Independent, Christian, Catholic,
Methodist, Baptist, 7th Day Adventist, 5 Percenters,
Hindu, Sunii Muslim,

Brothers and Sisters We're just Americans.
So with that I say
"Thank You" to the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines,
for preserving my rights
to live and die for this life
and paying the ultimate price for me to be...FREE!

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

F'd Up Girl

Why does he have to leave me here? Can't it just be a damn good excuse oh yeah my wife has unintentional fear of abandonment? She's got mental issues. *sigh* I guess he married the girl with all the baggage that ISN'T good for military service. Of course he won't because duty to the Army comes first. I respect him for that but BITE ME! You see where this is heading? He asks as nicely as he can to send Iraqi troops care packages, my response BITE ME! Well honey they are protecting your husband... Yeah they can pretty much still BITE ME! I think God forgot to install the angel and devil on my shoulder. Instead of I have two sides of me... One side is like this is going to be a hard, but good learning experience. I gained everything I set out to gain. I wouldn't have gotten in the direction I was heading in Calhoun. I get a sense of self. I can better take care of my issues that I was dealing with. So many positive things. Then the other one of Mini Me's on my other shoulder. Just is screaming at me with so many emotions it blocks out postives. Or at least the coping mechanisms from the other mini me. I told Rick I have always consider myself ultra patriotic. I am the corny girl that cries during Lee Greenwood's song, the pledge of allegience and anything that has to do with god or my country. I even cried in the 5th grade I remember this clearly. We were in Music class and the teacher showed a slide show of JFK and Martin Luther King Jr's murders playing The Dance by Garth Brooks. What do you think I did? DUH I am a cry baby! I was raised in a house of conservative "christian" republicans. I was taught respect the President no matter what he's doing a job you nor I would do. My adopted father, my biological father, my uncle, my sister, and two brother in laws have all been Military... My brother in law had to spend a year in Iraq when my sister delivered twins. I have no pity on myself for what she had to go through. ANYWAY'S the point I am trying to get across is my sense of duty for my country as well. To give Military, The President, The country you give 100% of yourself after God. So why NOW am I having issues with this? HOWEVER I have no issues giving full support to my husband despite my emotions and even anger I struggle daily with. I push the abandoment issue aside and just keep on truckin. Army Wife has gotta be strong. Yeahhh like whatever! But I can always pretend...

Ah and rehashing what happened between Olenka and I and where Mackenzie was didn't help the MOOD at all.

Note To My New Age Hippie Girl

I don't know how Tonia and Karla did it. I am just so tired of constantly crying and stressing. This deployment crap is hard... Especially when he says "doing it out of a sense of responsibility to my country and army yes" makes me want to just SCREAM! What a permenant dent in our marriage, 20 years of service, your son's childhoods weren't enough? Muahaha. I am just already stretched thin and I have what 61 weeks to go. 15 months something...Karla says she misses this blah!

Monday, August 13, 2007


I got a letter from Rick
I mailed off a package to Rick, Pictures to Alex and two cards each to both I think...
Oh & Alex's gift card

Letting it Out

Sorry for me being MIA. I need to get more dilegent in my letter writing and blogging. After all thats the best record keeping I can do for myself and Rick right?

Well first let me update on the home front and abroad.

Rick ~ He's ok its really hurting being seperated. He can't focus on anything... he's really got plenty to do just no heart to do it. Over the 4 days weekend I think he was getting stir crazy. Very not used to being without a vehicle. Sounds like he is a bit depressed and very lonely. He doesn't talk to much about his feelings anymore. I have gotten three letters and a post card from him so far. I enjoy each one and read them several times. I made a private Yahoo Group to keep people updated and just to lend each other support and advice. Alot of civilians don't know what you can ship to our troops so I am turning it into a good resource as I am learning from it too.

Myself ~ Well I get the intense feeling to just lay in the floor and have my own type of temper tantrum. Sometimes its full of sadness sometimes its frustration. I can either get to a point of holding back tears so hard it hurts or get frustrated with dealing with the daily stresses of life that I scream. Not healthy! I've always been a believer in letting it out but in healthy ways. Crying is ok. Screaming is even ok if its pointed in the right direction at the right time. there is a time and a place for both. I try not to cry for Skylar's sake. Sometimes talking to Rick makes the day go by easier and calms me. At times I am in tears on the phone or when he is on Instant Messenger. I know it gets worse before it gets better. The only better is bringing him home. Once the contact goes for days at a time how am I supposed to cope then? Worries me.. Knowing he wants to hold me through the tears is more than what I need though. It gives me strength that he understands and he is hurting with me. Donnie never held me and never wanted to. That pain is still very real. As Forest Gump Says "That's All I Have to Say About That!!"

Alex ~ Silly boy going on 21 tomorrow and couldn't remember the # to call home or for that matter anyone. After numerous attempts by Rick, My sister in law, and I to reach him. Rick finally got a hold of him then as I did. I didn't speak to him long and let his brother talk to him since thats what's important. He will be graduating from AIT 11/8 but he doesn't know his orders as of right now.

James ~ How many people would have laughed when I told them James is a rock. Granted between him and I we have achieved very little and we still have a long distance to haul but he is standing so much stronger than WE thought he could. I have more faith in him now than I ever did.

Skylar ~ She is the root of my sanity and insanity LOL. She is the oxymoron. She keeps me sane by keeping me on my toes but yet her outbursts drive me crazy!! I am still teetering on putting her in Respite Care (Child Care for Waiting Wives *ME!*), haven't found a good time to call about dance schools and I really don't think I can afford it until I get fianances settled. I would like to not worry about money. I will achieve that on my current budget I know.

Fur Babies and our Feather Baby ~ They are like all the normal pets they keep things alive.

I often find myself escaping through music. Especially sad songs. As Rick says they wouldn't be so sad if they didn't have meaning or as he said in simpler terms. If you didn't care. I turn on Delilah my new obession, or listen to the music on myspace, or my blog or something else depending my mood and its just an outlet. It gets my emotions out without it hurting so much. I can just cry and let them say the words I need people to hear.

There is the song by Kelly Clarkson "Hear Me"... Its relievant to some feelings of this deployment. The first time it effected me I was cooking in the kitchen with my head phones on and I just lost it. That was before the deployment. By then the fear had already set in.

The Song goes "I used to be scared of Letting someone in But it gets so lonely Being on my own No one to talk to And no one to hold me I'm not always strong" Those Lyrics are so true and now I am afraid to let him go. I won't bore you with my emotions and disecting the song out here in the open maybe in a more private blog or another public one. But I just want to talk a minute it won't cost you anything. As long as my interuptions keep doing their job I probably won't say everything on my mind. Sucks!

Oh well lets get to the nitty gritty! Army Wives another pretty good stinger of a show. to be continued....

Tuesday, August 7, 2007


Sometimes life hands you what you think is too much to handle,
but if it really was, it wouldn't have been given to you.

Monday, August 6, 2007

Saturday, August 4, 2007

I want to know what you really think!

I want to know what you really think!

I want to know what you really think!

Super Fun Exciting Survey YOU Can Fill Out... Please answer this as a blog comment:)

1. Who are you?

2. Are we friends?

3. When and how did we meet?

4. Do you have a crush on me?

5. Would you kiss me?

6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.

7. Describe me in one word.

8. What was your first impression?

9. Do you still think that way about me now?

10. What reminds you of me?

11. If you could give me anything what would it be?

12. How well do you know me?

13. When's the last time you saw me?

14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?

15. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you?

Thursday, August 2, 2007

August 3 2007

First blog of August. Rick is thinking of coming home for a weekend. That would be nice I hope it works out. Sorry I haven't blogged much, I've been sick past few nights. One night I was up all night in pain. So nah not much blogging sleep is more important. By the times I get James home from work I am fighting to stay awake. Not safe driving I know but I am doing alright. No one's on the road lol much! I went to the mall with just Skylar & myself. My first off-post trip lol. I bought Rick some Jogging Shorts and a T-shirt to match. He just asked for the shorts I believe he needed them :) I picked up a few other things. Today well this morning Jess calls in a panic. Her Father in law was being disrespectful we will word it that way for now. So she wants to come over thats cool. No one ever comes but she comes over and we hang out for a bit. Even James got off the computer to converse. They had a bonding moment we do believe hehe. Meanwhile Collin and Skylar were into mischief but they did a great job overall themselves. Then we went to lunch at the Blue plate diner. Then came home and brought James to work. Then to the post office to mail off Rick's goodies. I sent him his new Jogging outfit. A Redstone T-shirt I wore with my scent and just to remember what he comes home to. A couple of cards and a MP3 Player cord. Well I hope it was the right cord. For the second time I tried to mail of Alex's package and forgot his zip. UGH Twice! We went to the PX and Commissary for a few neccessities and then I went to Jess's for a few hours to hang out. Went to Walmart to have pictures developed then back home to relax then to pick up James. Tomorrow is a waiting wives lunch. I hope my friend Jessica goes. Ah so busy weekend. Oh yeah and I am feeling better and James is getting sick and Rick probably has strep. My poor baby out in the middle of nowhere without me to make him better. I say its Withdrawls from what is called the "Bella Effect"