Saturday, July 14, 2007

Big Girls Don't Cry

So its been a month since Olenka and I decided to stop talking. I have been debating whether or not to blog so publicly. Matter of fact I have kept alot to myself in the past month. Not responding to any drama, any emails, IM's, or else that she has sent. I have not tried to contact her. After the past two days of drama in a mommy loop I am in. I am coming to the realization that the drama won't stop no matter what I do. She thinks its funny and cute and thats her business. I am just going to ignore it. Not like it hurts my feelings or anything. After the path she has taken in my life and just not letting things heal or die. There is nothing more I could want from that type of relationship. There is nothing IMO that I deserve that kind of drama. So that sums that up.

But the past two days I have been recieving replies to my emails from Olenka in Mommy Loop mail that are hateful and mean, She's twisting my words (what else is new?) and/or just being out right childish. Funny how it seems Donnie is now being polite and working on himself and Olenka is the immature one. I have to sit back and wonder who might be encouraging her behavior? Who else thinks this is hilarious! Oh its so funny! Please! I understand some of my "friends" stance on being a neutral friend in this drama but at what point should they stand up for me or introvegne. I mean OMG what am I going through right now? My husband is leaving for 18 months in just a few days. Like I need ANY added stress. How much do these people care? How much do I deserve this bullshit? So now the BPD says who can you trust online? Who are your true friends? And to what extreme is this going to continue?

I've been very proud of myself. For the first few days I cried over it. But I have been VERY strong and glad that the drama and what I had to deal with was put to an end. What I thought was a quiet end. I will always cherish the memories of our friendship don't get me wrong. I don't even hate her. I've even debated on whether to send her a card since she is pregnant now :). I am the better person here! I'm not playing into her drama. I am not being a pussy. Yes I tend to grab a shoulder of Rick or another friend and bitch about the bitchy emails but hey what's to be expected? I give up. I won't burden anyone else but Rick with this shit its tiring.
I am a big girl now. I am over this. I can protect myself. I am strong enough now.
Its time to relax, blog, meditate and think about things. Time to gather some clarity. Only way to survive this life is by having faith and finding peace and serenity and focusing on Clarity.
Funny thing is what alot of people probably don't know or don't realize is that I don't blame the end of our friendship on Olenka I just think it was time. It was nothing she really did it was just it was time. It had nothing to do with her. It was a personal decision after speaking with Rick and him worrying. Last thing I need him is in the field worrying more than neccessary about me. Time for me to grow and find sanctuary within myself. Maybe I relyed too much on Olenka at times?
I will miss the good parts of our friendship don't we all ponder back on an old relationship of one form or another and have fond memories and miss the good times? I don't dwell on the hurt. What kind of pain is that? But now and a month ago it was time for me to be a big girl. I was ready to move on with my life. Maybe New Years Eve was the cusp of a new life for me. When I finally felt I couldn't be with Donnie anymore maybe Olenka was some how also in that? Maybe it was time for me to grow away from both of them? But why did it last another 6 months? Perhaps for self assurance?

So my thinking and meditating its time to take a deep breath in and out. Shoulders and back straight. Chin UP! Stand strong and walk the walk alone. Thats good for the soul. Its good for me. I am married now yes and its not about Rick either. I feel even though our souls are one now. My soul still needs to learn strength on her own.
In earlier blogs i talked about a baby bird learning how to fly. Yes indeed still learning to stretch my wings and fly and I have a long way to go.

If you would have asked me a year ago where I would be I would have been like Yup Calhoun Freaking Georgia with Donnie and Skylar living near Jennifer and Chris LOL. Because I had it set in my head thats where I needed to be thats what I needed to do. At one time I thought Calhoun/Donnie/That Life was a fairy tale. I thought Olenka was the best friend anyone could EVER have. At one time she was.
Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they
And I foresee the dark ahead if I would have stayed

So its time to be a big girl now, and big girls don't cry.
I will always miss and think about what could have been but grow from what could be in the future.

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