Saturday, September 1, 2018

The truth of depression

This is the face of depression. 
I have had depression since I was 21. This year has been one of the hardest years by far. The only other really bad bout I had was when Adam died and Mackenzie was taken from me but Skylar saved me from that. I realize depression lies but the truth about depression when someone see's your depressed they often times make it about them. They want to hear what's wrong but when you tell them they say... "That's not true.", "I didn't mean to. (See they make it about them)". "How can I help?"  It goes on and on.  At what point where they listening to you? There's the truth about depression. Sometimes you need to shut your pie hole and listen and accept what they have to say and if you feel so inclined to make their life better than actually SHOW them the world is different than they believe. If you say I will devote more time... I will try to talk more... I will ____ then actually do it and stick with it! Or don't do anything at all or you will make an ugly downward spiral. If its not true and you didn't mean to then show them its NOT true if you didn't mean to then DON'T do it again. Be there for them and actually listen (there is not always a need for you to say anything) just LISTEN be a good listener. 

Monday, July 31, 2017

Wow that is my life..

I have been a Grey's Anatomy fan since the very first episode. My best friend at the time and I used to be deeply devoted to Desperate Housewives and when Grey's first aired it aired right after Desperate Housewives. Greys quickly became my favorite show and I have rarely missed an episode. I have probably binge watched it from the beginning at least 3 times. The last time watching George die again and I said no now I am I am good. It was probably for my best interest that Netflix took it off their server so I wouldn't binge watch it again. During deployment I got one of my army wife friends to binge watch it with me and I got her hooked. I have gotten several people hooked. Sometimes I do have to remind myself it is a scripted show because I have been so connected to some of the characters. Recently I have been replaying a scene that has now become my favorite scene. It has Amelia and Owen in it. To set up the premise... Amelia's a recovering drug addict and her brother just died. She doesn't know how to deal with pain without drugs. Owen is a veteran with PTSD, who now works as a trauma surgeon. 
I use the scene as a reminder of how I must deal with pain and I also encourage other people the same way. To watch the scenes I have found a lucky person on Youtube that hasn't been flagged by the copyright God lol... Part 1    Part 2   Part 3
I was sitting in bed this morning... again reminding myself of what Owen says, 
Owen : All the stuff you're "managing". You're not supposed to be managing. You're supposed to be feeling it. Grief,  loss, pain... it is normal.
Amelia: It is NOT normal.
Owen: Yes it is. Yes it is normal. Its not normal to you because you've never done it. That feeling of grief, pain... you've shoved it all down and doing drugs instead of moving through the pain.You run from it. (Then he realizes he runs from it too by re-enlisting to serve another tour in Iraq), You instead of dealing with being hurt and alone and afraid that his horrible, empty feeling is all there is, I run from it. I run off, and I sign up for another tour of active duty. We do these things. We run off, and we we medicate. We do whatever it takes to cover it up and dull the sensation, but its not normal.
We're supposed to feel.
We are suppose to love and hate and hurt and grieve and break and be destroyed and rebuild ourselves to be destroyed again.
That is human. That is humanity. That's that's that's being alive. That's the point. Don't don't avoid it. Don't extinguish it.
Amelia: Derek Died. He died. I don't want to feel it. I... I don't think I can. I don't think I even want to, I can't. I can't- I can't do this. I can't
Owen: You have to... If you don't...
Amelia interrupts: No, I can't. Shh, I can't do this!
Owen: You ha you have to If you don't that last bag of oxy is gonna be your last. (she hands him the oxy and wails in pain) You're gonna be okay. You're gonna survive this, okay? Everybody does. Its perfectly normal. Its boring even. It is so normal.

I realize how I have been dealing with pain... no not with drugs or alcohol.. I realized how I process pain. Sometimes I might hold it in. I don't see it at the time. But maybe I might. Maybe I deal with it passively. I have never believed drugs or alcohol are the way to deal with things. I come from a background of people that depended on that and checked out. I never wanted to check out on my kids and so far I think I am in the moment with them even when I am at my worst. My husband I truly believe his military service and now his job is his escape from not wanting to deal with things. I realized wow that is my life... now to remember I have to feel all the emotions and be destroyed to rebuild myself better and stronger the next time. 

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Picture Days and Poor Choices

   Everybody can look back at their school pictures and see the crazy hair or the crazy outfits we either picked out ourselves or our mothers sewed us into.. Today serves as a reminder as school pictures never really go away they just remind us of bad choices in our lives LOL
   Today is school picture day at the middle school. So I put William on the bus dressed for his crazy sock day... I come inside to get a picture of Skylar in whatever cute outfit she picked out for picture day. See we made an agreement years ago that for the fall pictures (ie Yearbook pictures) she dresses into whatever interests her that year.. Ie William will have a Roblox or Minecraft shirt she would wear the band tee of her choice or whatever that way 20 years down the road you look through your year book and see oh I was into One Direction when I was in 6th grade what was I thinking. So yes she picks out her own clothes for picture day. I think the thought is a good idea. Well I walk in the house she has on a red plaid flannel shirt, a skeleton tank top (first year I let her wear tanks to school) the skeleton tank top looks like a human skeleton pasted onto the tank its black, rayon and shiny. Like the shoulders down to the hipbones and then blue denim Avril Lavigne jeans so they are blue with black rock embellishments on them. I don't take a step in the house and say oh child your wearing that for picture day? Ie the just rolled out of bed look. She's like what's wrong with it? I said its PICTURE DAY. You want your year book photo to look like that? She's like what my tank top is exactly three finger widths like they ask plus I have the flannel on. I said well you can start off by MATCHING... Rick's like your going to give her a complex.. This is the guy that has blue shorts with black palm trees he wears with EVERYTHING... I said I told you not to rub off on my child! She's still defending her choices. I said Skylar my dear this is the best outfit in your closet? This is your FAVORITE outfit? She said yes... of what I could find.. *SMH* I can't even post the picture of her because its that bad. She says Chelle Chelle picked this out for me! I said no I buy your clothes. I usually pick out your clothes from Rocket City Consignment (my work) with no help from you and you wear what I buy so obviously I get your taste and I am not going to put you in a lacy girlie whatever. I said I am NOT buying your school pictures (maybe I will as an example of her poor choices in life LOL) and when we have family picture day **I** will chose your clothes. She began to object LOL
She claims these were my bad fashion choices for her and never lets me live it down. Honestly the Gymboree outfit I bought one identical to fit a doll so it will live on forever :P 
a family member took their make-a-wish trip to Mexico and brought her back this dress. She insists it looks like a clown

She's always whined about this twirl skirt yet she dressers her BROTHER in it.. Where's the justice in that? She liked PINK and ZEBRA's I think that's pretty well a perfect match LOL

This is her least favorite outfit she brings up about once a month how cringe worthy it is. YES I LOVED gymboree.  Yes I bought it in two different sizes and yes she wore it for two picture days..

Is it as bad as she claims?

and yes I bought a handmade version for her doll so I can be reminded of how much I loved that line from Gymboree LOL
Yes I have been known to matching you and your brother in silly Christmas Jammies and I made of made a request or two that you wear them for your Santa pictures.

I might buy them again this year just to prove I am the mean mother who dresses you funny
Now good fashion choices 
an adorable outfit she wore just on a random day. It was black skinny jeans with holes. a black and gray top with a tank under it. She was stunning and looked like a model. Mama doesn't do so bad clothes shopping child.. Next picture day I will go buy you something from the thrift store..

Sunday, April 17, 2016



In a world that casts me out
You're my gravity
In a world that wants to cast a spell
You're my gravity
The world that lies and has false realities 
You're my gravity

When I feel worthless
You're my gravity
ground zero for my emotions
You can get me to focus
anchoring me down
you ground me
You're my gravity

The moments in which I want to get away
You're my gravity
When my spirit is on the run,
you know how to pull me in
You're my gravity
My heart is shattered and my soul is broken
you show me that its not
You're my gravity

The times when I am floating away,
you anchor me into reality
You're my gravity
When my heart is wanting to fly away to cloud 9
You're my gravity
Our story isn't a fairy tale it might be a nightmare
but you're my gravity
You love me, you hate me, you hold me up, you break me down
You're my gravity

Even when I push you away you only pull me close
Its only over when its over
you're everything I don't know I need
you break me down just to build me up,
because this isn't who I am
I want to try again
because your everything I need, 
yet nothing I can handle
We will rise again
yet you're my gravity.

Saturday, September 12, 2015

we vowed to never forget

Yesterday we vowed to ‪#‎neverforget‬ but today after the aftermath... after the anniversary of the aftermath lets never forget the aftermath of what our greatest heroes are left with. Our heroes that were first responders... normal civilians, dogs, FDNY, Port Authority, Military, NYPD... they are left with battle scares and wounds. For the military PTSD is a stigma but with the Firefighters its a BIGGER stigma many are not only left physically disabled from the asbestos but mentally disabled from the PTSD of losing their brotherhood. I hope we never forget the people that we lost. I hope we never forget the mistakes that we as a country made (so we don't do them again), I hope we never forget the bond we had that it didn't matter what color our skin was, our religion, our sexual preference, or where we live or social class. We were American and the American Flag which has always stood for United it really meant it the days after the attack on our soil. Lets never forget to be kind to someone fighting some kind of battle you know nothing about. This picture of Melissa Joan Hart took of the One World Trade center is stunning

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

The loss of more than a legend.

Just a week or two before his death when I found out he was in rehab I cried on Rick's shoulder..."A life without Robin would be dark", I said. I don't know how many people know Robin's background but he was the last one to see his best friend John Belushi alive. He also didn't have a great childhood he looked up to his father and always strived to be perfect but he was also molested (not by his father) he had a long period where he was being sexually abused. Many people don't know he attended Juilliard School on a full scholarship where he met his life long friend Christopher Reeve. He wasn't just an actor with great comedic timing and improv skill he was a very loving, giving person. After all despite his demons he always wanted to make the world laugh and even cry. Through out my childhood he helped me find courage and strength through my difficult times and encouragement to fight my demons. I have always referred to him as my light. I don't know what he was thinking the day he took his own life... We can only speculate his demons got the best of him, He didn't think he could live through Parkinson's, But I felt that day was a very dark one until his daughter released a statement that his time here isn't over his light lives on as long as we shine it for him. I have been reading Patrick Swayze's biography written by him and read by him and it makes me hunger to wish that Robin would have written a book before he passed but that is selfish of me that maybe he wasn't ready to write of his demons as Patrick felt cathartic doing so... No I didn't personally know Robin but I haven't mourned so much for someone that isn't my first husband, or parent, or grand parent as I have for Robin. I still cry for the loss like right now. All we can do is enjoy the work we do have, Cherish the imprint he has left on our hearts and let his light shine through us to others. Lets not forget Suicide Prevention is real 1 (800) 273-8255... Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Its letting the demons win. Prayers for Zelda, Cody and Zak on this day. Oh captain, my captain! Robin I got this I will be the lighthouse now... you rest in peace.

Monday, August 3, 2015

Little Do You Know

Do you ever feel like you didn't love someone like they needed or deserved when you had the chance? Or is it perhaps you weren't ready or they weren't ready?

Has there ever been someone in your past that you had a really intense relationship with but for some reason it just didn't work out? Sometimes maturity at the time plays a factor or maybe it was communication at the time? Perhaps its your current relationship because of some of your own baggage your not putting into the relationship you think your partner deserves? Perhaps your afraid of loving your current partner the way they deserve because of a broken heart in the past or fears. Perhaps you feel like your partner is to blame because they are struggling with demons or baggage and they won't let you in?

Little do you know
How I'm breaking while you fall asleep
Little do you know
I'm still haunted by the memories
Little do you know
I'm trying to pick myself up piece by piece

Little do you know
I need a little more time

Underneath it all I'm held captive by the hole inside
I've been holding back for the fear that you might change your mind
I'm ready to forgive you but forgetting is a harder fight

Little do you know
I need a little more time1

You know when you reflect on the one who got away? Do you feel like you wish you could have changed some things in the relationship and that it would have a different outcome? Or do you really have made peace with maybe one of you wasn't ready to be loved the way you/them needed to be loved? How does that effect your current relationship? As you move forward without that person do you try to pick up the pieces and change the way you love in the next relationship? Is it a lesson learned type of thing. Do you ever hope that once you think you've learned the way to love someone that you can have a successful relationship, whether it be with the one from the past or someone from the future? Does the heart and soul ever change from that guilt and pain you have from leaving things as you did? Do you ever get over that feeling that you didn't love them as they deserved or perhaps they didn't love you as you deserved? You knew they had the potential to be the one... the love of a lifetime... a soul mate? Did you have that high school sweetheart that you went your own ways because your paths were headed in different directions or perhaps your parents moved you apart geographically by distance? A job separated you and that love at some point? 

I'll wait, I'll wait
I love you like you've never felt the pain,
I'll wait
I promise you don't have to be afraid,
I'll wait
The love is here and here to stay
So lay your head on me

Little do you know
I know you hurt while I'm sound asleep
Little do you know
All my mistakes are slowly drowning me
Little do you know
I'm trying to make it better piece by piece

Little do you know
I, I love you 'til the sun dies 1

Do you ever get a chance to tell the one that got away or maybe even your current significant other that you feel that way? What has happened? Do you ever go back and try to fix the broken pieces? Have you forgiven them and they you? I have had a journey through my past if you've been a reader awhile you probably know or if you've scrolled back prior to 2007 you will find why I call the blog my second life. I still manage to still carry around some broken pieces... they don't define me but at the same time they helped build me. Every day I work on putting more and more pieces together and making amends with my past so I can better my future. Sometimes its overwhelming and it feels like I am drowning or I can't breathe but I just hold on and take a deep breath. I wrote this blog after hearing the song (the lyrics that are in between paragraphs) and it made me think of some pieces I am still working on like a very hard puzzle that is my life. I've lost a young friend of mine this year and its really making me touch parts of my heart I haven't worked on. I hope you find a way to fix those broken pieces and love fully...

Oh wait, just wait
I love you like I've never felt the pain,
Just wait
I love you like I've never been afraid,
Just wait
Our love is here and here to stay
So lay your head on me

I'll wait (I'll wait), I'll wait (I'll wait)
I love you like you've never felt the pain,
I'll wait (I'll wait)
I promise you don't have to be afraid,
I'll wait
The love is here and here to stay
So lay your head on me
Lay your head on me
So lay your head on me

'Cause little do you know
I, I love you 'til the sun dies

1 FOOTNOTE Little Did You Know by Alex and Sierra 


Thursday, June 18, 2015

Fashion Camp

Head on over to my American Girl doll blog to read about my daughters day becoming a Fashionista, Learning how to model and design a great wardrobe... Click here

Project Pay It Forward

I grew up with family friends that we've remained so close that the word friendship is so lame we are family. true and true.. I've lived with them at times of my life and I have known them since I was old enough to walk probably. Before I was born my "adopted" brother was friends with their parents so we are truly like family.

My "cousin" Trevia posted on Facebook today:

     What does "pay it forward" mean to you? Not just going out of your way to do something nice, but doing it without expectations..... Do something nice for a stranger unless you know of someone in need... God, family, friends , and everyone else.... I'm paying it forward in my own way.... what have you done lately? I wanna know....

My response was its more of how I live my life not just something I do.I don't plan Pay it Forwards I just do them as the opportunity arises and when the spirit hits me. I live my life thinking Maybe She's an Angel.. I've been inspired many times in my life by the earth angels I encounter. Homeless people giving me rent money, Free rides from Cab drivers when I was pregnant and had to walk home from work, People that have friended me, inspired me and loved me through my hardest times. I have spent some time in a battered women's shelter and have been homeless with a baby on my knee so my heart really goes out to homeless even before I ended up in the situation. Between homeless and animals... (I would go adopt every dog and cat at the pound if I could take care of them properly).  For the last couple of years.. I have used book bags I have gotten as promo gifts or the ones my kids didn't want anymore and put an inexpensive blanket in there, maybe some snacks, a little cash, and perhaps the free shampoo from hotels and whatever else I have on hand (extra gloves?) and if I encounter a homeless person I hand them the bag. I don't think to myself I am giving this guy $5-$10 cash what if he blows it on Alcohol or drugs? Who cares its not for me to judge its between him and his maker right? I wanted to start a charity to rescue Cabbage Patch Kids and Build a Bears from Yard Sales, Thrift Stores, and Flea Markets and rehome them with needy children or for the Police and Fire Departments when they respond to a call. My friend Danielle S did something a few years ago that inspired me she did a Pay it Forward project where she did something nice for someone every day leading up to her 30th birthday so 30 days of good.. You can do it once a week till your birthday or something like that :) Well Trevia says her birthday is next week so I am going to give her 39 inexpensive ways to pay it forward

  1. Put a dollar in the Redbox DVD holder so the next person that rents that DVD will get a free rental.
  2. Tape change to a vending machine
  3. put a small stuffed animals or diapers on a public changing table with a note for the mom
  4. write on a piece of paper "You are Beautiful" and tape it to a mirror in a public bathroom
  5. Pay for someone's Starbucks or meal or even their Grocieries
  6. I've always wanted pay on someone's layaway
  7. Rock a baby at a hospital
  8. Serve food at a Homeless shelter or soup kitchen
  9. pray for a stranger
  10. Free Compliments take one 
  11. Grab a $10 gift card then give it away..
  12. Find a single mom, grandparent raising their child, and or a special needs mom and offer some respite care or cook them a meal
  13. Chemo Care Packages 
  14. another idea for the Homeless
  15. Volunteer or  Donate to the Monkey's
  16. Volunteer for a Pet Rescue or donate money
  17. Give a generous tip for good service
  18. Get tested to become a donor.. Donate blood
  19. Help someone that you know is disabled or elderly clean their home or run their errands
  20. Pay for someone's dry cleaning. 
  21. praise a child even if you don't know them
  22. leave extra time in a parking meter
  23. visit a nursing home
  24. give a freezer meal to a new mom
  25. Do something nice for your parents
  26. send a care package to a soldier
  27. hand out water at an event
  28. Tell a random parent you see that they are doing a good job
  29. pick up litter
  30. leave a review for someone at a business if they gave you good service
  31. Leave random sticky notes with fun or kind quotes on the mirror of a public restroom
  32. Leave tickets sitting around randomly at an arcade or fair or give them to a young child
  33. Get a $10 gift card to Barnes and Noble or something of the like and tape it and a note to the inside of a book. "Great Choice this book is on me"
  34. Let a person cut in line with a smile
  35. pay for a veterans dinner
  36. Leave a dollar in the dollar bins at Target or the Dollar store
  37. leave coins at a laundry mat
  38. Get a netflix gift card (really inexpensive) put it in a basket with some popcorn, some candy, and maybe even a gift card for order in place for dinner... alternative pack a basket with a board game (it can be travel sized) and some candy and give it to a neighbors child so they can disconnect from technology
  39. have a hobby? Make something and then donate it to the needy (ie Hats for newborns at a hospital)
Wow this was harder than I thought on my time crunch!! 
Good luck and Happy Birthday Trevia
Check out these groups

Sunday, May 31, 2015

Happy 15th Birthday to my little man

15 years seem to have slipped through my fingers like water passes through. A lot of years I am going to have to answer to for my decisions. I am going to have to ask you to forgive a lot of choices that I made and know that my love is sincere and true. First lets go back to 15 years ago (I still remember it like it was yesterday) at 3:30 AM a familiar face was with your old mom then your Aunt Jennifer and your dad the day and time you were born. A few nights before that day we were living about an hour in the town where you were supposed to be born. The town your dad grew up in. We were living in the town I grew up in and we were going to make the hours drive if I went into labor to have you at Kennestone. Your cousin Matthew who was born a week before you was in that very hospital as well in the NICU still fighting. I started to have pretty bad pain one night so I went to the local hospital in Riverdale to get checked and I fought off the doctors trying to give me medications. I didn't want my tiny angel to be stuffed full of drugs. By morning the labor pains had fallen off and the doctors had given me something to help me sleep promising me if I went into labor I would need all the sleep to be able to labor through it. Well the next few days I had an appointment scheduled with my regular doctor and he did an ultrasound to check on you and I could barely stand the pain so we decided to go ahead in the hospital. I labored and they tried Pitocin and the contractions were right on top of each other so they had to turn that off. I slept for about 6 more hours until I woke up and felt like I was being cut in half. Your dad begged me to get the epidural and so I gave in and then slept for another 6 hours not feeling anything. I was woken up by a midwife or a nurse and she went to check me and noticed my water had broke and you were ready to come into this world. They woke your dad and Aunt Jennifer up and your dad had a bad seizure. They kept asking him to go to the ER but he wasn't going to leave us. He pushed Jennifer over to hold my hand and I wanted her to make sure your dad wasn't going to hurt himself. You were ready for this world...6 pushes and about 30 minutes later your daddy's dream to have a little boy came true. You weighed about 7 lbs but looked like you had fat rolls so the nurses all called you Big Mack. You felt heavier than the 7 lbs they said you were. We had already decided your name would be Mackenzie Taylor... it was your dad's idea and not sure where he got Mackenzie from except a dream. A dream where he thought you would be born at the end of May or beginning of June. You were not due till my adopted moms birthday June 11th. I guess he liked Mackenzie because at that time it was a real unisex name so if you were a girl it would have been the same name Mackenzie Taylor Rose... Taylor after your god father your dads best friend Berry Truelove. Taylor was his middle name. Berry was truly the best friend your dad had ever had and I hope he is there for you now. I slept most of the first days of your life and thankful that you were just here, healthy and mine. I was in awe of you. I remember your grandfather Robert coming to visit you vaguely and probably your Aunt Cherish would come check on you when she was watching over Matthew. I think after your grandfather Robert came to visit you we decided to give you a second middle name to name you after him as well. He meant a lot to your dad and I. You were so loved. After we were released from the hospital it was home for the hour drive to feed the animals then a long drive to your great grandparents house (Grand Daddy and Mawmaw I believe they were called) for their anniversary. I believe it was their 50th. That day you always met your great great grandmother and boy did she fall in love with you. I remember her fondly. On this 15th birthday of yours you are very much thought of and very much still loved in my home with your brothers and sister. Your sister looks like you I am told often. I realize how much time has passed and how short time is left. As always on your birthday I want you to call you and just say Happy Birthday. Perhaps one day you can give me a call too!

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Feeling the pain. Running from the pain

I have been through a lot. More than you the reader could know or that I let spill out. I say I am an open book but there is a need to keep some pain private...

I guess no one's book is truly open.

Funny thing is this week I have a lot of confrontation with the pain...

I am sure you've heard that Grey's Anatomy is the hot topic for the last few weeks. I have barely missed an episode in 11 seasons... I think in total less than 5. The show can get me wound up but I don't think anything has ever hit me as hard as the last episode... Don't worry no spoilers here...

but a quote does stand out....

Owen to Amelia..
All the stuff you're managing your not supposed to be managing it.
Your Supposed to be feeling it grief loss pain it is normal.

instead of moving through the pain you're running from it.
instead of dealing with being hurt and alone and afraid that this horrible empty feeling is all there is, I run from it.

We are supposed to feel... love, hate, hurt, grieve, and break and be destroyed and rebuild ourselves to be destroyed again.
That is human.
That's being alive
That's the point...

and I watched the Lifetime movie about the Cleveland Abduction so I decided to also read one of the survivors books.. I will get to the other books soon. There are a lot of parallels in my life with Michelle Knight. I don't want to pretend I had even endured the same kind of pain she endured before she was kidnapped or that of while she was held by Ariel Castro. But there is a lot of parallel... many more quotes stood out to me...

Here is one...In order to get past something terrible you have to walk through the pain not around it. It might be messy, it might make you sob but if you let yourself cry long enough you reach the bottom of your tears. I haven't reached the bottom yet, but I know someday I will. ~ Michelle Knight.

Years ago I used to run... I ran a lot. If I felt like things were caving in, or I was beginning to slip, or a person was getting ready to leave like the others I ran. When I decided I wasn't going to put Skylar up for adoption. When Adam had told me not to... I made a promise to her that she would always be able to depend on ONLY me... That I would take care of her... that I wouldn't run... I haven't ran since... I still have the fight or flight thing and the instinct is there to run... run fast as hell for the hills... save yourself from the pain but I fight it and stuff it down. I try to fix the problem that is making me run and if I can't fix it I let God deal with it. When you fight.... even when you slip, fall, or get destroyed it just makes you stronger and faithful... If you run your problems just grow and will end up destroying you anyways. At least feeling pain is being alive... covering the pain is the easy way out. 

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Music is what feelings sound like...

There are a few musical artists that write and its like they reached in my soul and pulled out the words that I no longer write. I used to write especially as a teenager and into my early 20's. I used to write poetry and stories and then I found blogging. As I get older I feel more censored protecting others. These songs that are written by others are my outlet. Its amazing how a simple lyric can bring on a memory that was locked far away, an emotion that you forgot you had, a place you were or a memory that is dear to you. Often times for me a memory, a place, a person, or event has a soundtrack of their own in my head. I heard a song today that touched me so deep my bones now ache and I feel darkness and cold creeping up. Its almost like my bones and muscles feel the ache like you do when you have the flu. Music is everything. Music tells a story not just from the artist but of the person listening to it. I bet each and every person can pick out 4 or 5 songs and tell a story about themselves. Maybe even a story no one knew. 

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Dear Jack,

Dear "Jack",
15 years ago I was getting ready to marry you, yet I didn't know my own identity yet. 12 years ago I was a lost girl. 12 years ago today I didn't know it yet but my whole world flipped upside and would send me into a tail spin. 12 years ago you passed away in the middle of the night from what they said was a seizure. You never really had your Epilepsy treated or took your medication as directed. Your friends said my actions were the cause of the stress on you which lead to the seizures even though you had them since you were 16 when you drove your bicycle into an oncoming car. 12 years ago you left a scared 3 year old boy alone. When I received the subpoena that you had died and that your mother would take Mackenzie from me. I felt the world had really beaten me down and I had no one to help me up, dust me off, or push me forward. I had one personal had Skylar. She was so little she couldn't even talk or give me a kiss. She was just a few months old. In the years that followed I knew I couldn't let the children down. I couldn't let the world keep me down. I couldn't let it keep beating on me. I had to stand up and be tall. I eventually rose from the ashes and became the strong person I am today. 

One one of our first dances we danced to My Heart Will Go On. We saw Titanic at least 12 times in the theater and danced in the aisles of the theater because we were virtually alone or at least it just felt like it to a naive 18 year old girl.  When we got married I told my mother I wanted the song played during the beginning of the wedding or at LEAST compromise and be our first dance. She said it was morbid. My friend Megan sang From This Moment On by Shania Twain while I walked down the aisle and our first dance as a married couple was My Heart Will Go On. Ironic isn't it? That was probably one of our last dances as well. 

I hope I can remember enough of the memories we made and enough of the memories of you to share with Mackenzie and Skylar as they grow older and ask questions about you. Eventually I hope to be reunited with Mackenzie and I will give him the art work you left me and memories that are only stored in my head, my heart, my soul. I need to do a better job of journaling them for the kids. Not here it feels to private to share here on this blog. I am surprised I am being compelled to blog this now but in a private journal just meant for them.

Two very special people in your family followed you to Heaven. I read about your dad passing away 9 years almost to the day you did. You know he meant the world to me even if he hurt me in the end. I am sure your Maw-maw also found peace. I hope they are watching over and protecting Mackenzie for me. 


Sunday, December 28, 2014

9 years ago

9 years ago there was this guy stationed in Korea. Trying to keep his head on straight, bored, and trying to stay out of trouble... So he started reading this girls blog on Yahoo 360. She blogged about her crazy life.. the highs the lows and her relationship. Occasionally he would message me some advice or a comment (never posting for public)... who knew how things would turn out... 9 years ago we certainly didn't have a clue the world would bring us together

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Uncle Buck and Uncle Butch

So my goal was to blog about Christmas until Christmas but I missed yesterday. I am sick :(
Today's topic isn't so much about Christmas either but I have stories to share

My grandfather his name is Carlton. He is the most special man I have ever known. He passed away July 22, 2000. He struggled most of his life with cancer at least all of my life. I think its safe to say my Papa Bear (thats our nickname for my Grandfather) was close to his siblings. He owned a farm in Jonesboro up until a few years before his death. On each side of his farm his brothers also owned farms. Uncle Buck was on one side. Growing up if Uncle Buck was up visiting he would tease us granddaughters a lot. He would pull my pony tail and say Boy why do you got a pony tail in your hair.. He was alway teasing. He would be pulling it and say are you a pony? etc. I was 18 and I moved on the farm with my biological mother and Papa Bears bulldog took a liking to me and I would sneak him in mom's house (she lived in the farm between Buck and Papa Bears houses) and he would cuddle and go to sleep on my lap so I would paint his nails. One day Uncle Buck caught me and he would say Boy, you're Papa Bear will tan your hide if he caught you with that dog in the house. That is an outside dog who doesn't need to get spoiled by being in the heated house. Then what will your Papa Bear say when you finds out you painted Pluto's nails? I said he hasn't noticed yet *big grin* I loved my Uncle Buck and Aunt Beverly and all his children my Uncle Mike. Sadly I lost track of them as I became adults. I did hear that Uncle Buck passed a few years ago. I sure do love him and miss him dearly. I would give up this fancy suburbia to take my kids back to that farm as I had it. <3 life.="" p="" s="" that="" the="">

Uncle Butch really isn't my uncle by blood or relation. Uncle Butch is actually my ex boyfriends Uncle. He is one of Skylar's favorite people. My 12 year old daughter. Growing up I dated Donnie for the first 4 years of Skylar's life and Butch was a constant in her life as if he was a grand parent but better even. He loved to spoil her and play with her. He kept in contact even after Donnie and I broke up and so far he is the only person to visit me since I moved from Georgia to Alabama nearly eight years ago. He made sure we were taken care of and honestly for years I struggled to do what was right or whether or not to accept it. It has been a very big moral dilemma for me. Shortly after I saw him last in 2007 he moved up to Pennsylvania to help his ex wife and adopted son. His health began to fail and and as his father before him and as I suspected for awhile he had diabetes and alzheimers just like his father who passed away a few years ago. I will send him a New Years card along with everyone else (because I didn't get Christmas cards done) I hope he is okay healthwise last I heard it wasn't looking good. Shamefully I was thankful he moved up to Pennsylvania to shield Skylar at the time from the tragedy that is Alzheimers. She was too young to see his father deteriorate and I have seen it many times. I can't imagine the heart break of your favorite person forgetting who you are. Now she's old enough to understand but she still has much anxiety and depression over losing him.